"It's Not You, It's Me!" with Dr. Danarius Hemphill

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memory. [00:00:00] Speaker B: Passion. [00:00:01] Speaker A: Alone. Mourn. Guilt. Loneliness. [00:00:04] Speaker B: Regret. Peace. [00:00:06] Speaker A: Relationships. [00:00:07] Speaker B: Unfamiliar. [00:00:08] Speaker A: If you put God first, you'll never be last. [00:00:11] Speaker B: This is Grief at the Cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. Hello, family. Welcome to grief at the cookout. Today I have the pleasure to speak with Dr. Daenerys Monroe Hemp Hill. Dr. D is a native of Detroit, an author, leader, public servant, speaker, activist, spiritual leader, founder, and generation changer who truly understands the importance of leaving a positive impact and legacy for future progressive leaders. Please. Please tune in for this fire episode where Dr. D and myself discuss the abuse he endured as a child that led to heavy grief in his adulthood that brought him to the realization of moving from perfection to authenticity. Dr. D. Dr. D. Dr. D. Dr. D. I need to start introducing people like this all the time. Welcome to the cookout, sir. Welcome to the cookout. [00:01:24] Speaker A: Oh, this is the cookout. This is the cookout. [00:01:30] Speaker B: Yes, it is. Welcome to grief at the cookout, sir. How are you doing? [00:01:35] Speaker A: I'm fantastic. How about yourself? [00:01:37] Speaker B: I'm blessed and highly flavored. Flavored. [00:01:41] Speaker A: See, this is what happened at the cookout. At least we know this cookout is about to have some flavor up in it. [00:01:46] Speaker B: A little spices, salt and pepper seasoning, chicken season, seasoning. [00:01:53] Speaker A: All right. A little laurie's. [00:01:55] Speaker B: Okay. Laurie's, wait a minute. Let me ask you something. Can you burn? Can you burn in the kitchen? [00:02:01] Speaker A: Listen, no. [00:02:04] Speaker B: Okay. [00:02:05] Speaker A: Many are called, but few are chosen. [00:02:09] Speaker B: I'm not going to do this with you today. Oh, my goodness. So, look, in true and honest Grief at the Cookout podcast fashion. Every guest that I get, I always ask them one simple question, and that is, what is your favorite cookout food? [00:02:26] Speaker A: So, listen, green beans with smoked turkey. [00:02:37] Speaker B: Turkey nets. [00:02:39] Speaker A: Turkey. Listen, turkey butts. Turkey nets. Listen, I don't care. I am a man that love green beans and smoked turkey. Listen, let's not get it twisted. My mother is from Ga, so, listen, she's from the south, so she know how to throw down now. She know how to burn. [00:03:00] Speaker B: Come on, burn. There you have it, folks. Dr. D loves him some green beans with some turkey. Anything as long as it's turkey smoked, right? [00:03:12] Speaker A: You got it? Yes, sir. [00:03:15] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. I love it. So you all know we got to start on a high note because this podcast, this episode, I believe, is going to truly, truly help someone when you listen to this. So make sure you share it. I'm giving a shameless plug in here, so make sure you share it. I have the honor of having Dr. D on this podcast. We connected through a friend of mine, so thank you, Robert. [00:03:42] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:03:43] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:03:44] Speaker A: Thank you, man. [00:03:44] Speaker B: Thank you so much. This is greatly needed. So, Dr. D, you are an author, correct? [00:03:50] Speaker A: That is correct. [00:03:52] Speaker B: You are an author. An author of not one, but an author of two books and I'm pretty sure a number three in the making this past Friday. Which date was that? [00:04:06] Speaker A: The 18th. [00:04:07] Speaker B: The 18th? The 18 February you released your second book entitled It's Not You, It's Me how I Left Perfection for authenticity of the journey to wholeness. [00:04:25] Speaker A: Listen, that right. Now preach. [00:04:27] Speaker B: That's the whole word right there. Hold on. It's not you, it's me. [00:04:31] Speaker A: How? [00:04:32] Speaker B: I left perfection for authenticity. I feel my Holy Ghost right there. I feel my help coming of the journey to wholeness. Now, folks, this book, not this book, but this book just came out. And of course, in true Amazon fashion, my book has not gotten here yet. But it's on its way. It'll be here probably after this conversation. [00:04:56] Speaker A: But don't feel bad, I just got my own personal book today. [00:05:03] Speaker B: Listen, but I want to read to you the description. So hearken your ears, folks. The description says this is not a self help book. This devotion is intended to share my process of digging deeper, making mistakes, trying again, and continuing to trust God. It is not meant to be a quick twelve step program or process. It is not a 365 daily devotion or a set and forget it in a moment. I encourage you to take your time with these keys, nuggets, and suggestions. Listen, let's digest them, embrace them, allow them to assist, support, and guide us through this journey as we discover how to leave perfection for authenticity. Welcome to the journey of wholeness. This sound like something I wrote. [00:06:02] Speaker A: Listen, I got chills just hearing you reading. [00:06:05] Speaker B: That's good right there, sir. So when this book goes on audible, yeah, I will read your book. Look, I will read listen, let's talk. But listen, folks, this man has a story. And in a moment, I'm going to let him share this story. I encourage you to get you a glass of water, get you a glass of wine if you need it, because Jesus did turn water into wine. [00:06:33] Speaker A: This is true. [00:06:34] Speaker B: Get you some ice cream, get you a snack, get you something and just digest all of this. We're going to take a journey and I'm excited about it. So, Dr. [00:06:45] Speaker A: Deep? Yes, sir. [00:06:46] Speaker B: From talking to you, and I want you to share it because I don't want to share it, but from talking to you in our conversation that we had, you have experienced some grief. There were some things that were spoken over your life that does not represent who you are. There are some things that you went through that caused an absence of joy in your life. You hold how many degrees? [00:07:17] Speaker A: Remind me again. [00:07:20] Speaker B: Five degrees. And you also have the title of doctor. [00:07:26] Speaker A: Yes, sir. [00:07:26] Speaker B: Okay, so talk to us. Tell me about the grief that you went through and let's just start from there. Go ahead. [00:07:39] Speaker A: All right, so how do I start? Where do I start? It was all a dream. No. So grief seems to have followed me from day one. The old folks used to say, sometimes you have to play the cards that have been dealt to you and you have to play them wisely and strategically. I was born in September 20, 1985. I am 36 years old to the union of my parents at birth. I was born with a defect. My heart was not developed, fully developed and my lungs weren't fully developed. I was a full time baby. It was time for me to come home. However, my lungs wasn't developed. And so then I had a heart mummer. One would suggest that the enemy had a snapshot of who I was predestined to be and to say that at a young age I didn't have a snapshot of who I was destined to be. Growing up in a two parent home, my parents were married for 35 35 plus years. I am the youngest of four by way of eight and still the youngest. Growing up in the city of Detroit, I had my challenges. I have watched my parents go through their ups and downs, their downs and ups. And to say the least, it wasn't a pretty picture. My father worked for four for 30 plus years. He had a substantive abuse problem which carried over into the home. I have watched my mother, who worked for Camara Bank for 30 plus years, struggle to keep the roof over our head and clothes on our backs and keep the utilities on. Nevertheless, I still had my challenges. And my challenges stem from being molested, abused physically and emotionally. And it was a journey. And so this is how this story starts. My story started off at the age of five. As I stated earlier, my parents worked hard. My mother worked her butt off, her fingers off to the bone. And the reason why I started at the age of five is because kindergarten used to be a half a day and not a whole day for us back in those times. [00:10:08] Speaker B: Back in those times, right? [00:10:10] Speaker A: Come on. So, being the youngest of four, I have two older brothers and a sister. My second oldest brother and my sister were in middle school at that time. So they are in school all day until 315 or what have you. However, I have an older brother who was responsible for picking me up and making sure that I make it to school. And from school one day during the spring, we was walking home, coming home, day was going pretty smooth. And we get home and out of nowhere my mother would call like clockwork because my school was on the corner. I would get home by 12:00, my phone would ring, my mother would say, hey, how was class? How was school? Everything's going pretty well. My mother would call me and say, hey, sweetheart, as she always and I would tell her, Mommy, I'm doing well, I'm in the house, or whatever. She said, well, you make sure the doors are locked, don't answer the door for, open the door for anyone, stay in the room and don't pick up the phone for anyone unless you see my number. At that time, I can tell you right now, 36 years later and my mother has retired. I can remember her work number, verbatim 248-371-6188. This is how I know my mother job number and how she will call every day at 12:00. However, one day I got home a little bit earlier than normal and I was sitting in the room and me and my brother was playing the video games. It went from playing the video games to us wrestling, as you know, as brothers do. Something that went from being innocent turned into touching and filling on me. And I want to say validating me. However, at that time, at the age of five, I don't know what violation is, I just know that what I was experiencing, I should have not been experiencing at the age of five at that time, my brother began to touch me and fill on me in ways that made me very uncomfortable. To the point that in a nutshell, I was being molested, I was being abused. At the age of five, my mother happened to call like she does, like she always done around 12:00, and to ask me how I was doing and what I was doing. I was telling her I'm just watching TV and things of that nature. My brother was standing next to me to ensure, to coach me through this conversation that he had never done before. And with this coaching of this conversation, I just told I was okay, and I was just doing what I was supposed to been doing and things of that nature. And she would ask my mother, she said, I will be home by 06:00, I will see you soon. And throughout the day, my mother continued to call and check on me. In that moment of me being abused and molested, my brother apologized. In that moment, he apologized quickly, I'm sorry, that should have not happened, are you okay? And things of that nature. And I said, yeah, I'm okay. And he stated in that moment, I would never do that again. And this then the other. However, the event occurred over and over, not within the same week, but it tend to happen more frequently than normal. And it took me a while to actually realize what was happening. I thought at that age this was something that brothers did, this was something that was normal. But the more I began to grow up and to come into my teenage years and to mature or to reach puberty, to say the less I began to realize things of that nature should not, should have not taken place and wasn't a normal thing to have happened at that age. And what I realized by the age of twelve, I realized I now knew what molestation was. However, it didn't just stop there. It went from being molested to being abused. As I stated earlier, I grew up in a household where my father had a substance abuse problem. There have been days I have watched my father come into the home, very abusive, very irate, and will abuse my mother because she would ask simple questions that any wife will ask their husband. Where have you been? We have bills due. What happened to the check? The normal things that husband wives, their. [00:14:42] Speaker B: Wives ask their husband? [00:14:45] Speaker A: Yes. What's going on? And what I began to notice is that when my mother began to ask those questions, my father would begin to become very angry and very upset. I can remember like it was yesterday. I have watched my father strike my mother numerous times. My mother is freaking gorgeous. It's beautiful. Long, beautiful hair and things of that nature. And I have watched my father time and time again abuse my mother because she asked those questions or because he would go missing for weeks on top of weeks. And she would always ask him and remind him of his obligation to his family, like any wife would ask their husband. And what I began to recognize is that I began to experience the same exact abuse that my mother was experiencing, simply because my father had an understanding that he knew what will hurt my mother and what will hurt any mother is when you do something to her child. And what I began to experience was I would begin to experience the abuse at the hands of my father, being thrown down a flight of stairs or being punched in my chest. And keep in mind, at this time, I'm only five or six years old, I'm taking punches and hits like a grown man from my father. These type of events have went on and on and on and on. There's a one day we was in the home. I can recall my father came in very upset, very upset. And my mother and my father was arguing things of nature. My father became very abusive and things of that nature. I can remember running into the room on the first floor, which then was my sister room. It had been like eleven inches of snow outside to the point that my mother would call my aunt her sister, and basically just telling her, hey, can you come get us? And things of that nature instead of us. We couldn't get out the back door, the front door, because my father was in the living room and things of that nature. And my mother was so nervous and afraid at that time. What we did, we climbed out the bedroom window and we ran to the corner. No shoes, no coat, no nothing. Standing on a corner in twelve inches of snow waiting to be picked up. These were some challenges that I experienced at such a young age. And that's just the things I experienced at the hand of my father and my brother, to say the least. [00:17:31] Speaker B: Whoa, my God, to thee. So let me ask you something. How old was your brother at the time? [00:17:41] Speaker A: At that time? So there's a ten year difference. So I was five. That made him 15. [00:17:47] Speaker B: So he was 15 years old. And you said that the abuse lasted, and at the age of twelve, you started to realize what was happening was wrong. [00:18:03] Speaker A: Yes. [00:18:04] Speaker B: How long did it continue? Did it continue past the age of twelve? [00:18:09] Speaker A: No, it didn't go past the age of twelve because my brother then was incarcerated for another situation. But it happened off and on from I want to say from the age of five until the age of eight at the hands of my brother. [00:18:28] Speaker B: Too long. That's too long. [00:18:29] Speaker A: Too long. [00:18:30] Speaker B: And then when you realize at the age of twelve, you realize what you had went through was inappropriate. Correct. This is a twofold question. The abuse that you witnessed from your dad to your mother, how long did that last? [00:18:54] Speaker A: Who. Just thinking about it, I want to say the abuse didn't stop. It was an ongoing thing. It was ongoing. I want to say the abuse didn't stop until probably my sophomore, junior year of high school. There have been days I have watched my mother go to work or prepared for work with a black eye where she would the stuff that we would see in her watch. I live that. I live those experiences. I live watching my mother take her hair and put her hair over her eye and to cover up the black eye. I live growing up experiencing when we didn't have hot water or have gas or have the necessary utilities that we needed to survive. I live the walking to the gas station with the gasoline container to get gas, to put in a heater and things of that nature. These are the things that I live through. And I watch my mother I watch my mother endure all that and live all that and survive all of that. And don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful. Because I see the roots that I come from, to see my mother to survive all of those different things. Not only just the abuse, the cheating, the stealing of cars, all of that stuff. And to continue to watch my mother, to continue to watch her trust God, to continue to honor her husband, to continue to provide for her family. I don't know. Breathtaking. [00:20:51] Speaker B: So let's say probably about 13 years. 13 years. And is it safe to say that possibly before your birth there was abuse? [00:21:07] Speaker A: No. Funny thing. Yeah, my mother said that it didn't happen. It didn't happen until the substantive abuse. It didn't happen until now that my mother feel comfortable with sharing these stories with me. It didn't happen until he started using drugs and things of that nature. I can recall the story how my mother informed me. She said, back in those days, my father once worked for Chrysler, and then he relocated to Atlanta because Ford had a plant in Atlanta. And so he went to Atlanta and came back a totally different person than whom she. [00:21:55] Speaker B: Looks. From the sound of that, that sounds like there was an experience that had taken place that changed him. Not that it excuses the behavior of what he did, but it's a realization that black men deal with a whole lot of stuff, and when it becomes too much, they don't know how to compartmentalize. They don't know how to deal. They don't know how to realize what they're dealing with. And so all of that comes down on the family. [00:22:44] Speaker A: Totally. [00:22:45] Speaker B: All of that. It kind of bleeds into it. [00:22:49] Speaker A: Carryovers. [00:22:49] Speaker B: Yeah, carryovers. And you had mentioned that and the abuse that you experienced from your father, how long did that last? [00:23:03] Speaker A: I want to say about the same, about 13 years, because I'm the youngest. [00:23:10] Speaker B: So you was experienced the same type. [00:23:12] Speaker A: Of same exact abuse, the same abuse that my mother was experiencing. We was experiencing it together. Me and my mother is extremely close. I would say that my mother I don't want to say this because she have always said that she's not my best friend, but I'm not your best friend. I'm not your best friend. Let's not get it twisted. I am not your friend. I am your mother. Let's not get it twisted. You should not approach me in that way. But to experience those moments with my mother, it created a connection. It created an understanding. I understood my mother's heart and vice versa. And I think that experiencing those type of abuse and that type of rejection connected me and my mother even the more. [00:24:16] Speaker B: So 17 years, you got it. 17 years of emotional, physical, sexual, mental listen, abuse, growing up with that. [00:24:34] Speaker A: Yes, sir. [00:24:34] Speaker B: Now let me circle back around, because I love to circle back around on something. Your heart and your lungs didn't develop, and you had a heart murmur. At what age were you when the doctors realized that you were going to live? [00:24:52] Speaker A: Shortly after. So, funny thing. So my real best friend is my sister, okay? She's four years older than me. Both of us have a birthday in September. I have a birthday deal. [00:25:04] Speaker B: September, too. [00:25:05] Speaker A: You see. You see by the by September listen, september 20. So my sister is on September 17. So my mother wanted me to be born on the 17th, the same day with me, same day as my sister. However, God saw fit to let me go a few days over, and even yet then I went a few days over, and I was still not fully ready. So I stayed in the hospital a little bit longer because my lungs and my heart wasn't fully developed. As they say in those days, I had to stay under the light a little bit longer for those things to get taken care of. And in that moment, I think my mother said I came home probably a week later. However, they said the older I got or the bigger I got, the smaller the hole in my heart should have shrunk. [00:25:57] Speaker B: And so as you were growing, did you receive any type of diagnosis that something was wrong with you or outside of being born premature with a heart murmur, all of those different things? [00:26:18] Speaker A: No, I actually was your everyday child at that point. I did all the things that boys did. I climbed trees, jumped off out of trees, had a Power Wheel, Jeep and everything else. I did it all. I had it all. A red and black one? Yes, sir, I remember those. As a matter of fact, not only did I have a Powerwell Jeep, I also had Alf. It was me and Alf. And we listen, it was a twofold thing. But no, I didn't receive a diagnosis as related to my heart. However, once I got into school, I did have a speech impediment. [00:27:02] Speaker B: Okay. [00:27:04] Speaker A: And there were certain words I could not pronounce. And so, because I knew there was words that I did not know how to pronounce, I was afraid to speak. Come on. I was afraid to speak. So I didn't use my voice. I didn't say anything. So at that moment, they started to test me to see what was wrong, why I didn't like speaking, why I wasn't using the words, why I wasn't where I should have been at the grade level, where I should have been. It wasn't because I had a learning disability, but it was more so I wasn't comfortable with speaking in public. And so the older I get, I got into a speech therapist position, get a speech therapist. And the school wanted me to get tested, got tested around six or seven as required. And even at the age of six and seven, I was still labeled. Now, listen. I was labeled mentally retarded. [00:28:09] Speaker B: Wait a minute. Pause for a moment. [00:28:11] Speaker A: Listen. [00:28:13] Speaker B: Pause for a moment. Pause for a moment. [00:28:15] Speaker A: Listen. [00:28:17] Speaker B: Okay, let me just sum up everything that we just heard. This gentleman has been abused for 17 years. He experienced molestation, forms of rape, emotional abuse, physical abuse. He was born with a heart murmur. Heart and lungs didn't fully develop. There was a hole in his heart. As he got older, it started to shrink. But when he got into school, he was labeled with a speech impediment. But then to take it a little bit further, he was labeled as retarded. And this man holds five degrees and one of the highest degrees in America, which is a doctorate. Okay? So y'all take all that in and y'all hold that in, because although and I'm moving straying away just for a moment, but although we deal with so many different issues and so much adversity, let me put it that way. Everyone is dealing with everything. But the point of this conversation, the point of this podcast, is to let everyone know that we all got so much and so many things that we're dealing with. But at the end of the day, there's a plan for you. And the plan is not to harm you, but it's to prosper you. The thoughts that he has towards you are not to put you in and keep you in bondage, but to set you free. And so I know that there's tons of people out here that have amazing stories, but this is a highlight, a snippet of an amazing story of what growing up in adversity looks like and then what you can become. So at five, I was dealing with this, but at 36, I have two books, five degrees, okay. And I got a bank account filled with money, okay? Because I had to step outside myself because I just got excited. Because although we have not reached the point of our dreams or although we think that we're in a place where we have been forgotten and where the Lord has forgotten about us, people has forgotten about us, family members have forgotten about you, there is a plan and there is a roadmap for your life. And listen, stay the course and you trust just enough to get you over the finish line. There's so much there waiting for you. All you need is just a little bit of trust. I feel my holy ghost. Listen, I got to rate it back. Let me come back and stick to the program, okay? Let me listen to the program. So post the abuse, post being labeled. Retarded, post all of this, everything that you went through, because this part is going to help someone, because this part is how it got you to where you are now. This is the important part. Now that I'm grown, now that I'm an adult, and now that I'm dealing with adult things, I got my big boy draws on, ladies, you got your big girl panties on, and you are adulting because adulting is hard. Let's all say it. Adulting is hard. All of these things that you went. [00:32:19] Speaker A: Through. [00:32:21] Speaker B: It caused you grief. But tell us, how did it affect your adulthood? [00:32:32] Speaker A: Wow. So funny thing. Okay, so my father passed in November of 2004, and I can recall fall of 2004 now where I'm saying fall and spring and things of that nature because I was an undergrad. It was my freshman year at the Alabama State University. [00:32:54] Speaker B: Okay? [00:32:56] Speaker A: I know from there shameless plug what I began to realize at that moment. I can recall myself at the funeral and things of that nature and watching my family go through the whole process of burying my father, preparing for the funeral and things of that nature. As you know, there's seven steps to grief and things of that nature. [00:33:21] Speaker B: Okay, walk us through that. Do you know him? [00:33:23] Speaker A: Listen. [00:33:25] Speaker B: Come on, sir. [00:33:25] Speaker A: Listen. So you go from shocking from being shocked to disbelief to denial to guilt, anger, depression, acceptance, hope. The crazy thing about this is that I didn't experience any of those. And I think the reason why I didn't experience those steps is because I experienced those steps while my father was alive. [00:33:56] Speaker B: Wow. Come on, sir, help us out here. [00:34:03] Speaker A: I experienced the disbelief of being rejected and abused. I experienced the denial of it that you can't love me and abuse me at the same time. I felt the guilt of it, the anger of it and things of that nature and the depression of it. But the day that when it came to bury my father, when the mighty have fallen, when it came to that moment what I began to recognize that it was nothing but acceptance and hope. The reason why I had so much acceptance and hope is because at that age, I recognized at the age of 18, I recognized that my natural father was no longer with me and that my natural father was now with the father. So the reason why I had so much acceptance and hope is because I recognized that my father no longer had to struggle with substance abuse. My father no longer had to struggle with feeling like he was a failure. My father no longer had to struggle with not knowing how to read, being grown and not knowing how not being able to read. He didn't no longer have to deal with the cares of this world. And it brought me hope. Because I now knew one thing only was that to be absent from this body was to be present with the Lord. What I began to see, I will be remiss to say. I think my mother experienced the same exact thing that she no longer had to worry about. Is she going to get a phone call and say that we found your husband in a crack house or in this house or your husband was found dead here and there or things of that nature? And I think there was a level of acceptance there because she understood the God that she served. I think seeing that strength in my mother carried over to me, as I stated in the beginning, me and my mother have this relationship. So if my mother is looking strong and I can be strong or vice versa if I'm looking strong, my mother know that we can make it another day. And so what I began to realize, those steps, what we consider to be grief don't always have to occur doing the death or the burial of it, but it could happen throughout the process. And the reason why I was able to go through those steps differently was because of the relationship between me and my father. I was able. To go through the relationship of not really having a relationship. So I didn't experience any of that. My process was a little bit different from anyone else that go through grief or have experienced grief simply because I understood, one, what was taking place in a natural, but I also understood what was taking place in a spiritual. [00:37:13] Speaker B: It's interesting. I lost my dad as well, and I went through some of those steps. I can't even sit up here and lie because it led me to a grief counselor. But it's interesting that looking back on this, you realize that you were in grief the whole time, and you went through these steps the whole time. So now that the person is not living, it's almost as if they never lived. It's almost as if I lived with a person that was never present. And so I was dealing with this grief process throughout my life, my childhood, to the point now that this body is here, this person is gone. Thank you for your condolences, but I'm okay. Thank you for your well wishes. Thank you for your prayers, but I'm okay because you all don't know what I dealt with. [00:38:32] Speaker A: Yes. [00:38:35] Speaker B: Wow. And when you say it's not you, it's me first, before we say that, what was the title of your first book? [00:38:50] Speaker A: The title of my first book was Wrongfully Convicted Walking in Truth and Freedom. The reason why I titled that book Wrongfully Convicted was because I had an opportunity to and everyone don't have these I have this opportunity I had this opportunity to speak to my abuser. [00:39:17] Speaker B: Your brother. [00:39:19] Speaker A: To my brother. [00:39:21] Speaker B: Okay, I need a glass of water because this is some heavy stuff, and it takes a lot for those, and I'm going to just go ahead and say it, and then I know it was going to come out at some point, but I have been molested and I have been raped. So for all of us who have experienced sexual abuse in some shape or form, it takes a lot to one share that you've been abused, but then it also takes a lot to face your abuser. Listen, okay, but go ahead. [00:39:57] Speaker A: I'm sorry, because that yeah, so crazy thing. So we had this dialogue, and as I stated earlier, my brother did time in prison, things that nature 20 plus years. And when we've had this dialogue, he said, you don't know what it feels like to be in prison for 20 plus years. And keep in mind, this is a dialogue between my oldest brother and myself instantly, when he said, you don't understand what it feels like to be incarcerated for 20 years, I had to take a breath and take a moment, and I said, no, you don't understand what it felt like to be incarcerated for 20 years. The beauty about him being incarcerated is that his physical presence and his mental mindset was all in one place. It was all in one sale. I was free and didn't know I was free, but I was incarcerated. I was sentenced to a prison without bars. I was sentenced to a life sentence and I haven't even committed a crime yet. The thing that my brother was saying he could not realize, didn't even endear to realize that I too was incarcerated with you. I might not was not behind physical bars physically, but mentally I was incarcerated. So that's why I entitled a book wrongfully convicted. Because I feel like I was sentenced to a sentence. And I did not have a jury of my peers. I didn't stand before a judge. I didn't have a lawyer to argue my case. I was sent to a prison that I had to endure for 20 plus years, which brought forth and which birthed out of me. Wrongfully convicted. [00:42:13] Speaker B: Do you think that that imprisonment of the mind not only just came from your sexual abuse, but also came from your physical abuse from your dad? [00:42:29] Speaker A: What's dangerous, the most dangerous thing is for a person to walk around free but not recognize that they're free. [00:42:43] Speaker B: And a lot of us do it. We hold ourselves in prison with our thoughts, with our thoughts, with our fears. [00:42:54] Speaker A: Because the battle is in the mind. [00:42:57] Speaker B: Come on, sir. [00:42:59] Speaker A: The battle take place in the mind. [00:43:02] Speaker B: That's right. [00:43:06] Speaker A: I didn't have to be behind bars if the enemy can trap me in my mind. And so it starts there. Yes, we look at all my accomplishments. We look at all the successes and things of that nature, but I might not grieved the death of my father, but the imprisonment of being incarcerated was mind blowing. But not only to go through that, but after writing this book, it began to bring forth a sense of freedom. Having the ability to speak to my brother and say, hey, this happened. What happened was wrong. No judgment. I love you still right? I don't want you dead. I don't want you cut off. I don't want any of that. I come to remind him the same thing that Joseph remind his brothers. What you meant for my bad actually worked out for my good. [00:44:06] Speaker B: You gotta come on and say a so. [00:44:09] Speaker A: I had to remind him that even to this day, I think I'm no longer blown away by what I have experienced. I think my brother is more so blown away that how could he experience the abuse, the molestation, the rejection, the disappointment and all of this and still make it to this point in his life? Still produce and still produce at this level? Listen, I will be remiss to say it was all me. It had nothing to do with me. [00:44:46] Speaker B: Come on, sir. Come on. [00:44:48] Speaker A: At all. [00:44:49] Speaker B: Say so. I mean, you know, let's from the cultural lens. We have imprisoned ourselves. We have been able to fight through adversities. Our ancestors have fought through adversity. And for my spiritual folks out there, you look at the people of Israel and you take it, let's go to the Bible and you look at those stories. People of color have fought so hard and so long and have fought through adversity. So I believe it's safe to say that we are built for this. Even today, we still deal with adversity, but we find ways to be successful. You're able to find a way to regain and access your joy. Because absolutely, happiness is circumstantial, but joy isn't. [00:46:07] Speaker A: If you can recall that song growing up, smiling faces smiling faces tell lies and they don't tell the truth. I think about that song, or I can hear that song because there's so many days I not only just watch my mother do it, I watch myself do it. I watch myself smile. And everyone thinking that I have it all together. He's excelling or he come from this picture perfect family. But like any other person, and I know we have all heard this before, what happened in my home stay in my home. So I was trained listen, my mother was good at making sure that we understood what happened. Our home stay in our home. She taught me at an early age that you don't repeat things, you don't say things, you don't do things. You make sure if there are anything that if anyone asks you anything, you tell them to ask your mother. Right? [00:47:08] Speaker B: I grew up like that. [00:47:10] Speaker A: So when I think about it first, I have a beautiful smile. I'm sorry that you guys can't see it, but I have a beautiful smile. [00:47:18] Speaker B: You better go ahead and plug yourself. [00:47:24] Speaker A: I am good at smiling. I am good at showing this image because I've been trained to do that. But once I truly experienced total freedom, total healing, that smile went from being fake to being real. [00:47:48] Speaker B: Wow. Paul Lawrence Dunbar said it best. We wear the mask that hide our cheeks and shade our eyes. Listen, this new book is not you, it's me. How I Left Perfection for authenticity of the journey to wholeness. Why were you in perfection first? [00:48:14] Speaker A: I'm a virgo. [00:48:17] Speaker B: Come on. Virgos. [00:48:23] Speaker A: But no, on a serious note, it was the expectations of my parents. It was the expectation. My father, once again, didn't have more than an elementary education. And my mother went to Morris Brown. [00:48:41] Speaker B: Morris Brown. Okay. [00:48:43] Speaker A: Yes. She went to the and so the expectation has always been for it was for me to excel in the area of education. I can recall funny thing, growing up, as I stated, my dad could not read. I can recall him taking me to different meetings or places at his job to remind you. Six or seven years old, sitting on his lap, reading documents, grown documents. And because my mother trained me at an early age, not only did I have to read these documents, I had to interpret these documents. And then I had to explain these documents to my father, what he was about to sign, if he should sign them, and if he should not sign these documents. And I'm telling you this is happening between the age of by this time remind you I already been labeled mentally retarded between the age of seven and 13. I'm going to ford and just telling my dad what document he should re sign and which document he should not re sign. And also being able having the ability to communicate those documents to my parents. I've always had this glass ceiling or this pedestal that I had to reach a mark that was not clearly defined. And so all my life I wanted to cross every t, dot every I wanted to make sure that I made my parents proud. And out of four kids, I speak explicitly in my book how my Parents began to learn trial and error, what they did with the oldest child. [00:50:21] Speaker B: Sir, now you talking about something here because I didn't even mean to cut you off. But that blessed my soul right there. Trial and error, error. [00:50:34] Speaker A: What didn't work for one, they tried something totally different with the other one. What didn't work with the second one, they tried something totally different with the third one. But when they got to me, as I stated in my book, the fear technique was the appropriate action. And so I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of disappointment. I was afraid of not being smart. I was afraid of not keeping up with my cousins and my friends. And so what I did, I threw myself in my studies. I threw myself into learning and gaining and wanting to be the first of the class. And now keep in mind, I wasn't a 3.04.0 student until I got to undergrad. And even yet then I still strive for perfection, even at. It took me all up until 33 when I realized this perfection thing is not for me. So now I'm happy to report that come on, report. [00:51:39] Speaker B: Remember they used to say that in church? Report. [00:51:46] Speaker A: I'm happy to report I'm happy to report declare and announce that I have found my authentic self. [00:51:55] Speaker B: Wow. [00:51:57] Speaker A: And that's because I learned how to leave that level of perfection behind. [00:52:02] Speaker B: Come on. You found your authentic self because you learned how to leave that level of perfection behind. Oh yeah. This is just good to my soul. So let's help the people out. Why not? Why not listen? [00:52:25] Speaker A: Why not? [00:52:27] Speaker B: How can give us some steps or even if you want to read an excerpt from your book, how can we leave the perfection, the pleasing other people, wanting to please people because of how we were raised to constantly be on the go but never actually operating in who we truly are and what we are meant to do on this Earth. The acceptance of ourselves, of our whole total being. How can we leave that perfection stage and get to a place of authenticity. [00:53:13] Speaker A: So, funny thing, in my book, It's Not You, It's Me, I speak explicitly about isolation, what it means to me. As you know, in 2020, many of us was unexpectedly thrown into isolation. [00:53:32] Speaker B: Come on. [00:53:34] Speaker A: For me, the initial thought of isolation or being excluded, to me, I felt like that was like my demise. I'm a people person. I love people. But I saw it as a tactic that the enemy was going to use to destroy me, to break me. I realized that this isolation was actually my protection. I realized that I didn't go into isolation, but I was placed into isolation, that God put me in isolation to make sure that I don't get contaminated. And so what I began to realize since 2020 until 2022, is that God began to establish me within those past two years. But what he had to first do, he had to show me. Me. I had to see me. I had to see the men in the mirror. I had to recognize who I was. I had to recognize my likes, my dislikes, what I enjoy doing, what I don't enjoy doing. I had to learn how to set up boundaries and expectations of myself, realistic expectations. I had to take off the expectation of others and just look at the expectation of what I wanted to achieve or what I wanted to accomplish. And it took me a while. So I like to think that God established me in these past two years. So what I began to see, I began to go to therapy every Wednesday. Every Wednesday. Listen, I began to not only just go to therapy, I began to have sticky notes, big sticky notes, like this big sticky note. Sticky notes all around my home with words of affirmation. I had to validate myself. [00:55:32] Speaker B: Come on, say that again. Say that again. [00:55:35] Speaker A: Listen, I had to validate myself. You see, what we fail to realize is that many people, we look at people on social media and we assume that they have it all together. We assume that they have figured their lives out because they have created an image of who they think they are. See, that's not who they are. See, the issue is they are giving you their representative. The person that you see on social media is their representative. It's not who they are. That's the person that they want you to meet. What I realize is that if you sit down with a person long enough, the representatives check out, and the real person, who they are, check in. [00:56:15] Speaker B: So when you start dating sir, you is giving it to the people. Goodness. [00:56:24] Speaker A: Shameless. Plug. When you start dating people and you get to that third month period, you start seeing that representative check out and who they really are check in. I'm coming to let you know that they can't keep up this version. God can't bless who you pretend to be, only bless who he created you to be. And so what you begin to see, what we begin to see, we begin to see this version of a person that's not arthritis, that's not real. We begin to think that, okay, we get into these different type of relationship, from work relationship to intimate relationship to personal relationship. And what we begin to see is this fabrication of a person. But you got to begin to see what's at the roots of a person. You got to begin to see that. You got to begin to pull back the layer of that onion. And that's when you begin to see that person for who they are. And that what God did with me for these past two years. God say, I know who I created. I know what I put in you. I know what I have established in you, but I need you to see what I see. So what God began to do in this isolation, he began to pull it back. He began to pull back the perfection. He began to pull back the hurt. He began to pull back the rejection. And when he began to pull those things back, he said, now I want you to see you. Now I want you to see who you are. And in this moment when I say, it's not you, it's me, that's typically the title when it comes down of breaking up with somebody, I was breaking up with a version of myself that I did not want to be in a relationship with. Point blank, period. [00:58:14] Speaker B: That's good, sir. That's a whole word. I mean, goodness me. You look at the pandemic, and then you're saying to me, sir, during this time of isolation, as some people like to put it, we were on punishment. The world was on punishment. We were put in isolation to break up with the falsehood listen of what we pretend to be to therefore, what is this? That's 2021, 2022, and we're still in it. That when we come fully out of this, we've been given just enough time. Enough time. And we were in a leap year at one point, okay, but you're saying to me, we were given just enough time for us to break up with what we thought we were, with the facade that we put on to walk in authenticity. It's amazing to me how we look at grief, because grief is something when people think grief, it's like, oh, I'm just down and out, I'm crying. I'm this and I'm that, and I'm that and I'm all of this. But grief, we have to normalize it in our black community. We deal with it in so many different ways and in so many different avenues. But some of this grief that we are going through with the realization of I can be better than who I am, that I can be me, that I can be authentically me, without reservation, without apology that it could take us through these stages and these levels of grief in so many aspects of our lives. Yes, you got to love and go through the grief of the loved one. Okay, yeah, you got to go through the grief of the loved one. But for yourself, the things that are plaguing you, the things that are causing you sadness and hurt and putting you in a place where there is no joy, there are some things you just got to realize for yourself. You are the head and not the tail. You are above and not beneath. And sometimes we truly, truly got to say that we are the lenders and not the borrowers, that we place ourselves not that we're placing ourselves in a bougie or perfective state, but we're placing ourselves in a state where this is who I am. This is what I was meant to do. This is what I was created to do. Because God can't bless. Like you said, we're not walking in who he has called us to be. And when we're walking in a place of authenticity, in transparency, he can truly, truly bless. He's always going to bless. He's always going to be there for us because he reigns on the just and the unjust. But just think that if I was the unjust and I decided to walk in my authentic self, listen, what he would do for me just being the unjust. [01:01:36] Speaker A: So the ideal of when God created us, it was that when he look at us, he want to see Himself. When you're pretending to be someone else that you're not, god can't see Himself. So when God come into this room and he say, daenerys, where are you? And I come out, I'm like, I'm right here. I don't see me. Where is me? And so what God began to do within this pandemic, he began to not only show me me, but to say, I no longer want just to see you, but I want to see me in you. And what I began to realize through all of this is that I'm so much better. [01:02:19] Speaker B: It's not you, it's me. [01:02:21] Speaker A: Listen. But for so long, I blame other things. For so long, I allow so many other things to be a distraction. So for so long, I didn't think I was smart enough. For so long, I didn't think I was handsome enough. For so long, I didn't like myself because I didn't like my speech impediment. I didn't like my big teeth. I didn't like the gap between my teeth. Listen, for so long, I didn't like me. How do you tell your father, I don't like me? That's like a smack in your father face saying, who you created, I don't like. [01:03:07] Speaker B: Wow. [01:03:08] Speaker A: But what God did in this season, he helped me to fall in love with the authentic version of whom he created me to be. So when I look now, when I go out and when I see things, I can say, I like that outfit or I like this or I like that, or I can say I don't have to go to clubs, I don't have to get high. I don't have to do all that stuff because I don't have to get high on natural things because I'm walking around here with a spiritual high. Listen, watch yourself, sir. I'm walking around here now in confident I'm walking around here with the assurance of that when I walk I don't walk alone when I walk into a room I don't walk into a room with the expectation that I need anything from that room. I walk in that room with the expectation, knowing that I know who sent me here. And so now I see a version of myself that I'm in love with. And it took me years to get to this place. It took me years to get here, 36 years, to be exact, to get here. So I know there's some that have the perfect life that made it, have had their life figured out way earlier than me. But listen, to make it at 36 and to realize who I am, baby, this is only the beginning. And what I've been charged to do is to help other people, other young men, other people of our generation, to find them their authentic self and to be their authentic self unapologetically to step into the full manifestation of who they are destined to be. Listen, I have a chapter in this book when I talk about change agents, I can't do this thing by myself. I need you. I need the individuals that's listening to this podcast. I need us all to get on our job. Because the change that we're about to see is about to be explosive. And it's only going to happen when we tap into our authentic self. [01:05:40] Speaker B: Family. Authenticity, not perfection. Authenticity, not perfection. It's never too late to begin your healing process. It's never too late to just be yourself. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.