And a Child Shall Lead Them with Kadejah One'

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories. [00:00:00] Speaker B: Passion. [00:00:01] Speaker A: Alone. [00:00:02] Speaker B: Mourn. Guilt. Loneliness. [00:00:04] Speaker A: Regret. [00:00:05] Speaker B: Peace. Relationships. Unfamiliar. [00:00:08] Speaker A: If you put God first, you'll never be last. [00:00:11] Speaker C: This is grief at the cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. Hello, family. Welcome to grief at the cookout. Today I am joined by a colleague, friend, prayer partner, confidant, and big sister Khadijah Oni. Khadijah is a New Orleans, Louisiana native Bowie State alum and member of the prestigious Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Incorporated. She is also a performer and vocalist in her own right, from concerts to musicals, and a Helen Hayes award winner. Khadijah is the proud owner of Kosh, LLC, where they help to develop and provide opportunities for young artists to showcase their gifts and talents. Tune in as Khadijah shares the grief of losing her three month old son and how her faith became stronger and authentic. [00:01:18] Speaker B: Welcome to the cookout, SIS. [00:01:19] Speaker A: Glad to be here. [00:01:23] Speaker B: How are you? [00:01:25] Speaker A: I am well. I can't complain about anything. How are you? [00:01:29] Speaker B: I'm good. I'm blessed. I don't have no complaints. [00:01:32] Speaker A: Good. [00:01:33] Speaker B: God is good and forever faithful. [00:01:37] Speaker A: All that. That's the kind of food I like. [00:01:40] Speaker B: Yeah, that's okay. [00:01:42] Speaker A: That food right there. [00:01:44] Speaker B: That's the kind of food you like. So, look, so as you folks always know, here at grief at the cookout, we always ask our guests what their favorite cookout food is. So, Khadijah, what is your favorite cookout food? [00:02:03] Speaker A: All that right there. We just say all that. That's my favorite cookout food. Okay. [00:02:09] Speaker B: All that when you come in, how you doing? I'm blessed and how I'm blessed and. [00:02:12] Speaker A: How favor God will. [00:02:14] Speaker B: Can't nobody turn me around. [00:02:17] Speaker A: Eats all that up. Cookout food. So, listen, I'm from New Orleans, so a cookout became, like, a northern thing, but I guess I would have to say that ribs. Is that a cookout food? [00:02:35] Speaker B: Ribs? Yeah, that's cookout food. When you think of the family reunion. [00:02:44] Speaker A: Yeah, I need the ribs with the barbecue sauce on it, and I need a little potato salad with some wait, is potato salad a part of y'all cooker? Because the potato salad is a part of the New Orleans cookout. We have potato salad at our cookout, but let me do some corn. And then on my second plate, I go back. [00:03:08] Speaker B: Yes, the second plate. [00:03:09] Speaker A: Yeah, my second plate. My second plate. My second plate. I go back for, of course, a hamburger and a hot dog. I guess it all because, you know, you'd be at the cookout a while, so you got time to spend your eating out. Okay, so I start off with the ribs first, then I go to a good hamburger. I love a good hamburger. And then I'm eating out with the hot dog. I might not eat the bun, though. I just like the grilled dog part of it. [00:03:35] Speaker B: Okay. All right. That's what most people like. [00:03:39] Speaker A: Yeah. And a little cone. I don't do everybody coleslaughter, but I do do potato salad. I like coleslaughter. [00:03:45] Speaker B: You can't do everybody potato salad either. [00:03:48] Speaker A: Listen, okay, say two words, all right? And when the size ain't when the size ain't good, I was like, you all got some barbecue potato chips. I just want to give me some potato chips. [00:04:01] Speaker B: Hold up. [00:04:02] Speaker A: Listen. [00:04:03] Speaker B: UTs or Lays. [00:04:06] Speaker A: Baby, so late. So for this honey barbecue, I think it's UTs. I think UTs has a it's like honey ripples Lays. I like the plain lay's potato chips. Like, I love the plain potato chips that don't have no nothing on it. It's just plain lays. Those will rock. At any given time, I am, at heart, a sour cream and onion chick. At heart, like, I would normally go my go to is get me some sour cream and onion potato chips. And I think it is leave, but they got this Carolina something. [00:04:46] Speaker B: Oh, the carolina barbecue. [00:04:47] Speaker C: The blue bag. [00:04:48] Speaker A: Yeah, that blue bag. It's about this color blue. This color right here with a little and then it got the little orange, that one. I say zip joints up. It's terrible. [00:05:03] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. We have talked about food too long. [00:05:08] Speaker A: Because the carlo, you're not realizing that that's how sometimes we really do live through food. Like, we kind of have. [00:05:14] Speaker B: We do. [00:05:15] Speaker A: We'd be like, what we do? I ask mostly all my friends, what you cook for dinner? I'd be asking you what you eating. [00:05:21] Speaker B: I ask the kids that every day. I say, what did you all eat at school? Because, really, when you think about where you have your great conversations, it's always over what? Over food. You can have great conversations. You can have arguments. You can have disagreements. But I think those disagreements, those arguments become easy. Disagreements where you have yours and I have mine, because I'm eating right now. [00:05:51] Speaker A: We can agree to disagree. We agree to disagree. So easy over food. We'd be like, oh, that's how you feel, baby. That's cool. But this macaroni cheese, though, who made that look? Who made these red beans and rice, baby? Oh, that's how you feel. But yeah, it makes everything better. [00:06:15] Speaker B: It does. It makes everything better. That's what we do here at Grief at the Cookout. But our topic today is called and a Child shall lead them. [00:06:29] Speaker A: Wow. [00:06:30] Speaker B: And a child shall lead Them. So, folks, I've known Khadija since I don't know how long. Khadija 2000. It was when we did a production of Dream Girls. Was it 17, 1617? It might have been 16. No, 17. [00:06:53] Speaker A: I think it was 17, yeah. [00:06:55] Speaker B: 2017. And from that time that I met her up until now, I can say. I know a good amount of people with a spiritual walk, but the spiritual walk this sister carries and that she has is second to none. And what I mean by that is growing up in the church and growing up with leaders in the church and family members who are in leadership, you see all different types of things. But when you truly, truly see a walk not just a godly walk, as some of us may call it, who do go to church, but a spiritual walk where everything that you do is led by an intention, and everything that you do has an assignment. And in our conversations that we've had all the time, it's always been about, okay, now I see what you're talking about, but let's look at it from a spiritual standpoint and a spiritual aspect as to what you are meant to do, right? And that's one thing that I love about our conversations and our discussions because we edify each other, and it's literally like going back and forth and just revelation after revelation after revelation, right? And it's a healthy, healthy relationship that we do have. So I asked you to come on today because you experienced something in your life that changed your life, and I just want you to share with the people what you experience and let's go from there, okay? [00:08:53] Speaker A: And a child should lead them, the grief part of it. So the long and short decal is I had a son. I got married. I was married for two years. And then we got pregnant and we had a great pregnancy. And then the baby was born and maybe like two days because I had a Caesarean section. So when you have a C section, they'll keep you in the hospital a little bit longer than when you have natural childbirth. And so I was still there, and they were still monitoring the baby because they were like, he has a little bit of a murmur, but normally that corrects itself after a certain day or two. And then one day, it was the strangest thing. My husband, I think my mom had just come, but we were all sitting in the room together, and they were like, we're going to go get something to eat, because the baby was with the nursery. And they were like, you get some rest, because I was tired. And they were like, and we'll be back. And I was like, okay. And I got up and I went to the bathroom, and the caller, when I went into the bathroom, just sorrow and grief just engulfed me. And I started crying. Profusely. And I thought they'd be like, what is it called? Post traumatic? Not post. The hormones and stuff after the baby. My mind yes, I can't think the thing I know exactly. You all know what we talk about after you had the baby, they'd be like, your hormones be all over the place. You'd be going through all kinds of stuff, whatever that is. That. And I was like, oh, God, I'm experiencing this. This is crazy, right? But I know that I'm an empath. And so I was a little bit concerned because God had already set me up before I had the baby to have a relationship with him. And I know at that point, I could feel when something was an event that was taking place versus just something that was happenstance. So I came back in the room. I got back in the bed, and literally I got back in the bed, and literally, like, maybe 60 seconds after that, the doctor walks in the room. He walks in the room. I look at him, and I knew that he was getting ready to tell me something crazy because I could see it all over his countenance. So, long story short, he was like, where's your husband? And I was like, well, he just went to go get something to eat. I was like, but whatever it is, you need to tell me now, because I had just had that experience. And so he was like, well, you sure you don't want I was like, sir, please. What is it? And so he begins to say that we've been monitoring the baby, and we found out that he has a very rare heart disease, basically called hypoplastic left heart, which is where the left side of the heart doesn't fully develop. The left side, normally, in our bodies, the left atrium is bigger than the right atrium because the left atrium is the atrium that pumps the oxygen and the blood throughout the body. The extremities. And his was really it just was underdeveloped. It didn't develop at all. So that's what happened at the time. It was something that you can't detect in the womb. And my husband came back, and my mom came back, and they told us, and then everything changed. And so with that, he went on to live for three months. He stayed in the hospital for about a month total. He was born on May 29. He left the hospital on July 7, so it was a little over a month. But he was born on May 29 at, like, 04:00 P.m. In the afternoon. And he transitioned. He went through, like, a small series of things, but ultimately, of course, he transitioned on August 29 at four in the afternoon. That was crazy. [00:13:22] Speaker B: Wow. [00:13:22] Speaker A: So he was born at four on May 29. So it's literally exactly three months from May 29 to August 29. He came into the world on the 29th, and he transitioned on the 29th. So that was the shift for me in terms of a child. I do want to just add in that before that, I wasn't born in church. I wasn't raised in church. We went to church when we were small, but I didn't grow up in church, so I don't have that culture of church on me. That's just not my experience. But as I got older, I had a cousin who kind of introduced me. She was living with me at the time, and she was like, oh, she's like, you don't have to be struggling like this. And so, long story short, she gave me another introduction. My mom took us when we were small, but again, we didn't grow up. But in this moment in my life, I was maybe in my junior year in college. And then the Holy Spirit just came to see about me. He just met me in these streets. I was like, oh, this is all know. So I started building a relationship with him. And you know, the caller, when you first get that introduction, you be on that fire. You'd be like, I'm all for it. Becomes like anybody in your life that was living different from what you're experiencing. Like, you're going to hell. You're going to hell. You're a cusser. You can't see I wasn't that bad, only because, again, I didn't have the church culture on me. But when you get that fire, you still be on fire. And it's like your spirit just opens up immediately to this new world, this new space. And it's like your eyes is like the scales fall off, and you have this revelation. So that was beautiful. And that happened when I was a junior. By the time I got to a senior, I was in. I was in I had broke up with my boyfriend because that was what that was. We weren't equally yoked. I was like, oh, you ain't doing what I'm doing. You can't see I don't want to do that no more, mind you. That ended up being my husband. But at the time, I was like and I got a phone call. I'm saying all that today that I got a phone call, and my brother it was my mother on the other end of the line telling me that my brother had been murdered. Now he's my only brother. It's only two of us. It's me and my brother. And he was like my best friend. But God had already began to warm me up with being in what I call in his presence, right? And so I'm saying all that to say that six years later, I lost my son. So by the time I lost the child, I was already well into his presence. And I say his presence because when you experience something like that, there is a place that God has to take you that's above. And I heard my bishop the crazy thing, my bishop was literally talking about this this morning in our morning prayer. But he was like, there's this place that God takes you that is above the remnants of things. It's like this place that you can be in Him, that you can rest in Him. And he kind of like just like you're in this very nestled shield bubble safety. It's like a safe place, a safe haven. And it's like when you're there shadow of the Almighty. [00:17:24] Speaker B: Yes, the presence. [00:17:26] Speaker A: It's the presence. No, it's the presence that's fullest of joy. It is the presence. You said the exact word that I was looking for. Now, you got to be careful with me as we doing this because I'm going through menopause. [00:17:39] Speaker B: But you said the presence. [00:17:41] Speaker A: No, I did say it. Okay. Yeah, you did. [00:17:44] Speaker B: You said his presence. But what you were giving was the other synonyms to his presence. The place. The seeker place. Fortitude. It's like this shelter. [00:17:55] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:17:55] Speaker B: It's like everything you need is in his presence. [00:17:58] Speaker A: Yeah. It lifts you out of the worry, the concern. It gets you to this place. But now it's a journey to get there, though. Like, it doesn't just happen. It happens through relationship. It happens through seeking him. [00:18:16] Speaker B: Come on, teach relationship? [00:18:18] Speaker A: Yeah, because it's like a friend. And God had been telling me for years, that's really all I want. I just want some time with these people. He was like, Everybody get up every morning, they go to work, they call a friend, they do this, they do this. And they only call me when they need something. Either a trauma or trauma. Either you have a traumatic situation and you are not a believer, but you need me to get you out of it, because I'm the only person that you think of in this moment, or you are a believer and the traumatic situations happen. And I didn't do what you thought I was going to do. And so now you won't believe me in me anymore. It's the craziest thing. It's either on those different sides of trauma, is the thing that I've noticed. [00:19:00] Speaker B: But are we grateful, though, that he reigns on the just and the UN? [00:19:06] Speaker A: Listen, because he know more about you. You steal his child, he know more about you than we do. So that's why I'd be trying not to judge you, but I'd be like, Listen, because God still got room for you, surely I can make it. So when the situation happens, surely I can ask some grace. Because, baby, I can ask the grace. [00:19:27] Speaker B: Right. Listen, but one thing that kind of stood out for me, two things. You experienced grief with your brother. Now, I didn't know that you lost your brother. That's new information for me. [00:19:43] Speaker A: Right. [00:19:46] Speaker B: And do you feel like that loss prepped you for the loss of your son? [00:19:55] Speaker A: Absolutely. Unequivocally. As time went on, I began to see it. When I lost my brother, I still was very new, because, remember, I was a junior in college, and that's when he came to get me, and my discovery took place. And then the very next year as a senior, is when it all happened. But by that point, I had had some experience in his presence. And so I knew that regardless of what I was feeling on the inside in that moment, that he still was God. It was nothing in me that was like, oh, how could you let this happen? It just was like, Keep me in your presence to help me get through this, because I don't know how to get through this without you. When my son passed away, the shift in that was I remember saying, I was like, Lord, I will never, ever disgrace or dishonor even your name, let alone who you really are. I was like, But I don't really want to do this anymore. I was like I said, I love you. I really love you. I love you with everything in me. I was like, But I don't really want to do this anymore. I was like, I just don't want to do it. And when I meant do it, I didn't mean like I wanted to not live. It wasn't like I wanted to commit suicide or anything like that. It just meant that I didn't want to live in a space of being who I normally am to people. Like, let me give you an example. So I was a teacher when I got pregnant, right? I taught third grade for like three years maybe. And I think I was in my fourth year. So all of my students knew me. All of my staff knew me. And by this know, I graduated from college. I had recouped with dealing with what went on with my brother because I graduated from and so now I'm teaching in DC. Public school systems. But God was all I talked about because back in them days, you could still kind of say some things spiritually and not get in trouble. So my kids, I would be like, what the Lord say about that? They knew all of everybody on the staff, all of my coworkers, all the teachers. They knew innately who I was. Because who you know me to be is who I was then, too. It wasn't like throwing his name out every 5 seconds, but I was like, Sabra, check yourself now, you know, the Lord ain't know. I was dealing with people the same way. And so when that happened to me, I didn't go back to work because I was embarrassed. I was like, how am I going to go back to these people and look these people in the face? I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to continue to represent him in feeling like I had been a little bit forsaken. And I was like, you know what I mean? [00:23:06] Speaker B: No, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. Okay, so wait a minute. So because you lived your walk, people knew who you were? People knew who you believed in. People knew your walk. Oh, yeah. Listen, if I need a prayer, I know who could pray for me. I know who could send it up. And the loss of your son made you feel like ashamed. You were embarrassed to return, very ashamed, because inwardly you were convicted. [00:23:50] Speaker A: Inwardly, I was ashamed. I wasn't convicted of being ashamed. I was ashamed. And I didn't want to try to figure out how to be the previous representation of myself when in that moment I knew that I wasn't. And it didn't necessarily have anything to do with God. It was me walking through. Now, how does this work yet again? Meaning like, okay, I realized that when I studied death and I studied that God allows and makes decisions based on things that we don't have a lot of information on. And I understood that, and I understood it even scripturally, because he had to send his own son. And he knew when he sent them what his end was going to be. He knew the time. He knew the date. He knew that he was going to be whipped, flesh coming all off, splattering all over the place, people spitting all on him. He was going to drag that heavy tree and assign a figure. He knew all that. He sent him anyway because he had a purpose. And once his purpose was done. So in studying all of that, I was like, I get it. And it was so many things that let me know, even just hearing his voice, that you may not know everything and be able to understand everything while you're yet still in your flesh, just because you're not really equipped yet to have that kind of understanding. So I was cool with it. But then when the baby came, because remember, my son was in the hospital for a little over a month, which means that I had to walk through seeing walking through with hope. Well, it's like he had the surgery, okay? So the doctor was like, you can do one or two things. He looked me at my husband in the face. He was like, either we can do this surgery, which means we do this branch where we start to take everything that the left side of the heart would have done and have the right side of the heart start being activated to do it, even though it's not capable. They was like, he'll have to have maybe three or four other surgeries, like one when he turns two, another when he turns five, and then one at another age. They was like, but this could happen, or you could do nothing and just let him expire. So that was the choice, right? And so I was like, well, of course, no parent is going to be like, well, let's just let them expire. But when we went through the surgery as a believer, so now you're believing all of the healing scriptures, god is able to do just what he said he would do. God is a healer. God and you really believe in they was like speak thing that is not as though it were all of the things all of the things that people go to the cross for and go to the altar for when they're believing for something, when they need a victory, when they need a miracle, when they need and it was all of that. And so then when the day came and that didn't happen in the way that you wanted to, it's just another level of experience. So I didn't know how to go back to work and actively, mentally, because remember, I may be just a few years in at this time, long enough though, but I just didn't know how to process it all. So I just was like, I knew enough to know that God was still real, that he was who he was, that his purposes is what they are. But I didn't have enough stability to be able to handle it, so I couldn't go back to work and I would have been I don't know, I just felt like I would have been being an imposter because I didn't have it in me, you know what I mean? I didn't have it in me to be like to still just be and then I was embarrassed. That's the other thing. I literally was embarrassed to Carlo because I was like, oh my God. I walk around talking about God all the time and I just felt like people was going to be like, well, she's a Christian, how did this happen to her again? You know what mean? Like it just was like something in my mind now. [00:28:26] Speaker B: Question for you. Did anyone know about what was going on and what your doubts were, what your feelings were throughout the process, or was everything that you were feeling to be embarrassed? Was that internal? [00:28:47] Speaker A: It was internal for me. Nobody knew. Like my job kept saying, come know. When are you coming back to know when are you coming back to work? When can we see? You know? Finally I was just like, I'm not going to be able to come back. And they were so sweet. They drove up to Baltimore because I was living in Baltimore, working in DC. And they did like a circle around me. They came to my house and they prayed over, you know, they were women of God too, you know what I'm saying? And they just understood because they walked with me through the entire pregnancy, you know what I mean? But they didn't know that I didn't come back because I was ashamed or embarrassed. They just thought that I just still was grieving, which I was. [00:29:33] Speaker B: Which you was. And so do you think that from just listening to what you were going through, it sounded like you were going through a grief of the process and then the actual grief of the death? So that grief of the process, was that something that you were able to grieve, meaning have that morning to go through all the stages of grief? Or was everything just the grief moment where it was just stuck? [00:30:23] Speaker A: It was a process. It definitely was a process. I think initially I was stuck because when something like that happens to you, it's like when you go to sleep every moment, you literally wake up and there's a slight moment where you think it's a dream. Like that's a reality. I've heard other people say that it's a slight moment where when you waking up, you're in between that dream and sleep and waking up space where you know that it's happening and it's a part of you that's like, did this really happen? And then when you realize that it does, then bam, it's like a ton of bricks, and then you are just grieving. So the thing that I'll say is about the entire process, even to this day, I still have a lot of moments where days are not that easy. And my son would have been, like, 19 so this happened like 19 years ago, but I feel like it's just going to be a part of the process. However, it's just a part of the process of having that feeling of not being able to do anything. Because it's like I remember my husband saying, I wish my heart could fit inside of him. Basically, he was saying I would lose my life so that he could live. Like, just take it out and give it to him. And it's just certain memories. But I have grown to understand sometimes when the enemy is trying to use something and I'm being very serious because it's very natural to grieve. But then sometimes when you are mature in Christ and you're mature in God and God has shown me several things and he's given me an understanding through the Word that I know, that I know, that I know. Like, I can quickly come out because I know the word of God. And going back, I just was like, I don't want to do this anymore. So for like seven years, I didn't sing again, and I had just literally DeCarlo I had just done I played Blue Speak Woman in sora Neil Hurston, what is the name of the show? I can't think of you know what I'm talking about. [00:32:52] Speaker B: They did it at signature. [00:32:53] Speaker A: They did it at signature. Oh, God, I feel oh, God, I know exactly what okay, anyway, spunk. Spunk was the name of the show, right? So I had done Spunk at a community theater in PG. Somebody had came to see the show. They wanted to take the show to the Kennedy Center. We did the show at the Kennedy Center and I won the Helen Hayes Award. I couldn't even go pick up the award because I was pregnant, and my doctor was like, you cannot drive to DC. Because you're due any minute. And so I was just getting ready to start into this music theater career. Like, I was teaching, but I would teach, and I would go to rehearsal after work, and I was getting ready to do both end, and I won the award, and it was getting ready to be I'm getting ready to start this. And then everything happened. And then I didn't sing again for like, seven years. So that say that to say going back to say when I was like, I don't want. To do it anymore. I was like, God, I just don't want to be your representative. Can I just love you in this shell? Can you just know that I love you? And I know that you love me, but I don't want to be a witness. I don't want to be used as a conduit on any type of assignments. I don't want to be the mouthpiece for anything. I just kind of want to find another job, keep living, and then that's it. But I just don't really want to do anything else. And I didn't I didn't do anything for seven years. And I started going to this church. Well, I started going to Empowerment Temple and I toured with Jamal Bryant for a little while. That was the whole thing. He heard me singing in a rush hour prayer. Like they used to have this thing called Rush Hour Prayer at 06:00 in the morning or 06:00 in the evening. And I just was like, wailing one day at the altar, still grieving. And he just happened to be know. So I did that for a little while and then I started going to Destiny Christian Church. The bishop is James Nelson. He's the brother of Jonathan Nelson and Jason Nelson. They're singers in the gospel industry. So anyway, and he's my bishop to this day. And when I just started going to church, I started getting my spirit back up. And his daughter was young nyla on the Broadway Lion King. So they had like this party, and her manager it was the craziest thing. Her manager was just walking around and I'm going to get back to the grief because I know that that's the topic. But her manager was, just take your time. Her manager was walking around and she was like, who could sing? Who could sing? It was the strangest thing. And she was like, who at this table could sing? And Sandy, she was like pointing at me or whatever. She was like I was like I was like, I sing in church. She was like, be at my house tomorrow at such and such time. And I was like, who is this lady? I was like, first of all, I'm grown. Second of all, you know me. I was like, I'm not 18, ma'am. [00:36:12] Speaker B: I don't know who you are. [00:36:13] Speaker A: I don't know who you are. But anyway, I did it. And she had this thing going on with The Lion King. She had some in with The Lion King, but then I think for her, she was like, I want to work with you, blah, blah, blah. But then as we were walking out the door, she was like, you should go to this audition this weekend for The Color Purple in New York City. The Broadway show is going on tour. And I was like, oh, okay. So we walked out the door and Sandy was like, you going to the audition? I was like, no, I'm definitely not. She was like, yes, you definitely are. She called my girlfriend Erica, who lived in New Jersey, like 20 minutes from New York. She was like, we're going to be at your house Friday. We taking Khadija to this audition on Saturday. I was like, I'm not standing in no long lines. I was like, I'm not doing it. Long story short, they put me in the car, took me, they stood in line with me. These are like my, you know, my ride dies. They stood in line with me because I was pulling back and forth. Yes. You know, and long story short, I auditioned and I got the gig. So that's what got me back to being able to meet you, DiCarlo because that kind of shifted my life back into singing in theater. And I haven't had another regular job since then. I've just been in musical theater since 2009. But the grief part, I do want to say. When I began to experience God on tour, I realized then that he didn't just send me out to have a job that I was being sent. [00:38:07] Speaker B: We talked about that many times, right? [00:38:09] Speaker A: It didn't take long to Carlo for me to realize that because when you go on tour, the thing that happens is that you meet people from all walks of life you meet people from all over the place from all different walks of life and all different belief systems. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'm like, okay. But I realized that I did more work off stage than I did on. [00:38:37] Speaker B: Stage than you did on stage than. [00:38:38] Speaker A: I did on stage, because people were they just would begin to gravitate, like, can I talk to you for minute? I'm like, sure. No, right? Because that's where I was with God. [00:38:51] Speaker B: I was like, no. [00:38:52] Speaker A: The first time, I was like, see, this is what I told you I didn't want to do. I ain't going to be out here with all this. I just won't go get on the stage, do my job, go back to my room and watch TV. All this is not what I signed up for. But I realized that I was being set up to be a conduit for him. And like, you know, the thing that I've learned to Carlo about this walk is know, you have to make up in your mind that your belief system is what it is. Because everything that you experience is based on what you believe. In my trials with my son and him leading me, the experience, it's like he's been at the forefront almost like if you were to be able to see like a fish swimming in front of somebody through the water, guiding you, leading you, it's like the presence of what I learned through him. Like, God used that to just grow me and mature me and for me to create a belief system because the Carlo out here in these streets, either you're going to believe or you're not, period. People are going to try to come to you and talk to you about all different kinds of things. And, you know, when I met you, we had a conversation. I won't go into all of that. But our conversation was, do you remember. [00:40:13] Speaker B: I'm not going to go into it wasn't just us, but we no, it wasn't. [00:40:19] Speaker A: It wasn't just us, but it was a conglomerate of believers. [00:40:24] Speaker B: Yes. [00:40:25] Speaker A: And I'm not going to say but it was a conglomerate of believers. I'm going to say that people who are believers and then it's a difference, though, in how you show up, you know what I mean? How are you being represented when you use the word I'm a Christian? And it's like, that's the thing that going through this walk with having to deal with the worst thing that could happen to a mother. What are you going to do? How are you going to represent? How are you going to show up? Because in your flesh, you got, like, the highest level of authority in your flesh to really do what you want to do, because it's like, do all you want to do, to do all you want. I'm like, say, bro, I deserve this. But that's how you can feel, you know what I mean? Because the loss of somebody that you carry in your body, it's just the connection, and then it's you helpless because it was a baby baby, you know what I mean? I got to know him for three months. Anybody, anything you get to do for three months, you don't build the relationship with it, whether it's work or whatever. So my son helped me to show up authentically for Christ, for God. I almost didn't want to even call myself a Christian, because when I started going to church at an old age to call, I started experiencing some things, and I was like, Sandy, I can't do this with these people, bro. I was like, I don't really know what's going on. I say, but it's just a little bit too much going on in this space. It's not representing right. It ain't showing up right. And I'm not talking against anybody because Romans tells us that we don't have the ability to judge people because we ourselves want to do the same thing that we're judging others for. In chapter one, it'd be like, don't do all this. And they got a list of things and then right in chapter but you. [00:42:36] Speaker B: Know, you want to do it. [00:42:37] Speaker A: Listen, and right in chapter two, it was like, but hold your tongue and hold your peace and just have grace and mercy, because all this stuff that you see, you know, you want to do it, too. And at some point, you may not want to do it now, live long enough, you know what I'm saying? So it's like, you can't walk with that judgment and that kind of haughty spirit on you and be able to represent Christ well. But there are some things that I do that if I'm a believer, I'm going to do it or I'm not. You know what I'm saying? So it's like there are some things in this walk. It matured me, and I'm going back to how the experience with my son and the transition of my son led me to be able to represent and show up the way that I do it's. Like, if I'm a cusser, I know when the Holy Spirit grieving me. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not talking about nobody that because I'm just saying, like, the word is what I believe on tourists. People are like, it's so many things that people can read. Well, what about the big bang theory? Or what about this? And the Roman Catholic Church really took over. They reworded the Bible, everything. In 1948, there were some things that just was added in and all these other things, and I'm like, Listen, I get all of that. I was like, all that might be true. [00:44:07] Speaker B: No, seriously, I hear all of that. [00:44:11] Speaker A: But you're either going to believe or you're not, you know what I'm saying? Because none of us was there when any of it was written. You wasn't there when a big you read something and you chose to believe it. You wasn't there. You're saying a word because it's secondary. Think about it. Everything that you choose to believe that didn't happen to you is a secondary source of experience. When you have a personal experience. Like right now, I'm on this podcast with you. This is a source. This is an experience that I can be like, I was on video with DiCarlo. Why? Because I was there. I experienced it. This is definitely what happened to me. But guess what, DeCarlo, if I put that in a book and sold it, whoever's reading it has to choose to believe it. You know why? Because ain't nobody else here but me and you. You know it. [00:45:02] Speaker B: Speak. [00:45:04] Speaker A: I know it. But you either gonna choose to believe. Do you understand what I'm saying? [00:45:10] Speaker B: Yeah. Either you choose to believe, or that's the thing that even being spiritual beings, being in the church, especially in the black community, we don't get to experience God for ourselves. We don't get to experience grief for ourselves. We don't get to experience nothing for ourselves. And everyone tells us how we're supposed to feel or what we should do or how we should do it or where we should go. But again, like you said, it's all about what you believe. You have to choose to believe it, period. We didn't see it. We were not there. All I know is what has been told to me, period. I know what I have read. I know what I seen in the imagery of what I've read, but I was not there. Firsthand. [00:46:08] Speaker A: You wasn't there. [00:46:09] Speaker B: Firsthand, I was not there. [00:46:10] Speaker A: But you have what is called a living word experience. You know what I mean? And you and I have experienced some of those. I feel like one day we was on the phone and somebody like a word or something had kept coming up. [00:46:24] Speaker B: And it was intent, okay? And to be very intentional, you know. [00:46:34] Speaker A: That was my word, intentional. That word had come to me from another source probably that morning or something, and I wrote it down. I was like, I need to look up the meaning of this word because there's something that goes on with it. Me and you got on the phone like a few hours later and you were like, Khadijah, it has to be intentional. I was like, The Carlo, I'm getting ready to run around this room using that as an example. We have experiences all the time, and other people, too, whether you a believer or not. I feel like people have experiences all the time that they know are supernatural experiences. Like when they just had that concert in Texas, that boy, I don't remember Travis Scott or something. Like know, I was watching videos of young know, this young girl, she was like, I ain't gonna lie, I never believed in God, she said. But in that moment, I heard bones crushing, and I just was like, God, if you were real, people have those experiences all the time. To call it, we wouldn't know nothing about it. But it's still at your will to choose. Like, nobody can make you. Yeah, it's all about your will. I remember when I was kind of like in this transition period with coming out of the grief process and trying to get back to some sense of normalcy with my life and still feeling a little bit abandoned, a little bit of like, oh, Lord, you forsook me there a little bit, bro. Now I don't know how to feel. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm going to still walk with your boo, but I'm going to be like, now you don't crush my ties now, bro. I was like, what's going on about here? And I was in that space. But Nicola, I also realized that on this journey, knowing that, you know, certain experiences are going to happen, and according to those experiences, it grooms a changing of your heart. It's almost like it's tearing and digging up because you can't have no flesh there. You can't. [00:48:47] Speaker B: Not to go through a process like this and expect to come out whole. There has to be. If I'm a serve you the times that right. If I'm a serve you 100%, when you talked about the moment that you went through that crying sit, that grieving moment, that grieving moment before the doctor came to you, it reminded me of the time when I got the call that my grandmother before my grandmother passed, she went through a process. And the same thing before my father passed, he went through the process. It reminded me of getting when I got the call from my grandmother, I showed up at the hospital, I walked in the ICU, she was laying in the bed, and I ran out and I went into this whole entire fit. Mind you, she's been in the hospital before she's come out. All these different things. The doctors ain't saying nothing to me, no one talked to me, nothing. But I went through this whole entire fit of grief, right? And what it did was it had to set me up to lead my family through the process. I had to be strong for my mom. And this was her mother. I remember my mom even said to me, she said, DJ, you notice my nickname? She said, DJ, I need you to. [00:50:30] Speaker A: Hi, that's my baby name, DJ. [00:50:32] Speaker B: Right? Really? Oh, my goodness. [00:50:34] Speaker A: His name is David Jeffrey. See, here we go. [00:50:38] Speaker B: There's another see, this is it. Look. She said to me, she said, DJ, I need you to go talk to Grandma and ask her, what does she want? And I was on the phone with her and I said, what do you mean, what does she want? What does she want for her service? What does she want to be buried in? Who does she want to eulogize her? Who does she want to sing? And the crazy thing was, my grandmother had before she went to the hospital, she had this bout of a laryngitis. She was talking for weeks, and then she just stopped talking and she stopped talking and she was silent. And when my mother told me to go in there, I didn't understand why it had to be me to go in there and have this conversation with my grandmother who's not even talking. And because my grandmother and I had a deep connection and I lived with her and I took care of her, I understood everything that she wanted. And that's why I said, going back to I believe that that fit. I don't know what that is, but I feel like I can kind of correlate in some aspect of that fit that I went through, was because God was preparing me for what was getting ready to come. And I didn't know it was going to be her because she lived so much longer than the doctor said after they gave her a date of death. And it was amazing that our family was able to come and give her flowers. And we had a whole service in ICU. We sang, we preach, we read scriptures, we prayed. We did all of that because that was in the fabric of our family. That's how we grew up. But that moment of that fit, did you lose joy in that particular moment? Or did you lose the joy when the actual death had occurred? [00:53:19] Speaker A: I think hope kept my somewhat level of joy afloat. Because in the in between stages, you have hope. That's what the definition of hope is. It gives you the ability to say, there's this window that we're in where God really can do whatever he wants to do. And the thing that I learned is that in church, I used to feel that there was a high level of disservice because everything would be preached like, don't think of anything else. The only thing that you do is you expect healing. God will do it, God will do it. And when it happens the way that they feel like it should, which is to bring your loved one out of sickness or to recover you from whatever it is and the miracle happens, then everybody is joyous in saying, now that is who my God is. But when it doesn't happen that way, that's when another level of relationship immaturity takes place. If you've been conditioned in a culture to be able to recognize that, you have to tap into that. And I think the disservice comes because most times I didn't think that a lot of Christians were because that's just not what the thing the thing was, they're going to get healed. It's going to be the way you think healing is, and it's all going to be good. [00:55:02] Speaker B: But I had and that's a big part of what we experience, especially in the black church, right? Is he going to come out, we going to do this, we pray for healing, but no one is actually praying for the will to be done. [00:55:16] Speaker A: And there it is. And in that moment, I get it. Nobody's going to want life not to happen or healing not to take place. But at the end of the day, I had been living on the side of healing, looking like healing through transition versus the healing of this fleshly body. You know what I mean? [00:55:43] Speaker B: Right. [00:55:44] Speaker A: Do you understand what I'm saying? [00:55:46] Speaker B: No, because I definitely know. Because when I went through with my dad, well, I was in that headspace. You were there for that process. And that was the headspace that I had gotten to of went through the same fit driving to the hospital. But I had made peace in my soul and was looking for whatever the outcome may be, that it was going to be healing either way. And so for me, like you said, that process with my dad was nothing but hope, right? It was hoping, yes, you can come out of it, but if you don't, there's still glory and there's still healing for you either way through this process. And my thing was, I was like, God, I'm not looking for you to do what I want you to do. Like you said, we don't want to see life go. But I'm looking for you to do what you're supposed to do because whatever it is, is supposed to happen to get me to a certain place. And because of that. That's why I'm here today talking to you. No, really real talk, because that has been the push. [00:57:14] Speaker A: That has been the push. I was there with you through it and even literally in the hospital with you through it. And I was having my own communication with God about what your process could or could not be, and of course, praying for God's will to be done, because ultimately that's the better thing, regardless of whether we have all the information or not. And then that's when I realized that this place is very fleeting. Like, our time here on earth is like but a parentheses in eternity, you know what I mean? It's a very short period of time. And if we are true believers, we really shouldn't be afraid of death because the word says that we should really mourn when a spirit enters into this earth, and we should celebrate when it leaves. That's not me. That's the word, you know what I mean? But it's not really taught like that. Like we were saying in church, the caller. But to just wrap it up and bring it back to what my transition was and what I would say, like, the highest thing that going through dealing with transitions. One with my son, one with my brother, and then my father shortly after that, and even with my husband, because he didn't pass away in the physical, but he left me. It broke my marriage, you know what I mean? We weren't able to sustain going through something like that. And so it's like you have all of the people in your life that are supposed to be their protectors at some point, your husband, your father, your brother, and your know, and I'm standing here left to say, how is this going to shape me? And I would have to say that I really do think one of the highest things DiCarlo is being very mindful about how I show up when I represent him in these streets, because you don't know who's watching you. I remember I was on a tour. It was a UK tour, and most of the people on the tour was from the United Kingdom, and it was a Christmas tour. And they know all drinking. And this is just a small example of what I'm talking about. But the Lord had told me, and I drink. I'm from New Orleans, baby. We drink. Now, I ain't no alcoholic, but we drink wine, and that's okay, because in. [00:59:48] Speaker B: Moderation and that's okay. [00:59:50] Speaker A: Listen, it ain't unbiblical, but that's a whole nother conversation. But at the time, he told me not to drink anything. And I said he said, on this. [01:00:03] Speaker B: Tour, don't dinaria drop. [01:00:07] Speaker A: Don't you touch it. [01:00:08] Speaker B: Don't you lick it. [01:00:09] Speaker A: I was like, okay, no worries. [01:00:13] Speaker B: Dang. [01:00:13] Speaker A: God. Listen, it ain't move or shake my world because I'm not that big on alcohol. I like it from time to time, but sometimes it don't really go well with my body, but if I want to have a good time, that's fine, but Decalo. I was on the bus and this person walked up to me and I was at the front of the bus and it was like, don't you want some of this wine? And I took the bottle and I can sometimes taste wine through smelling it like that. You can taste some stuff and I just want to smell it. So I took it and I was like and I was like, oh, this is nice. And all I heard behind me was and I turned around and everybody on the bus was leaning in to see if I was going to drink. And it was like, Come on, you can love God and still have a little drink. And I didn't even know it was a thing. I'm sitting in front of the bus and I was like and that's not even what God is about. It really isn't. Because his ability to be who he is, it ain't standing on the shoulders of me taking no drink and definitely did not know wine that Jesus turns the waters from in the Scripture. But for whatever reason, there was something going on with whatever group of people and their walk and their experience, because I had already said to them and I said to them, I was like, it's not that I don't drink. I just can't drink on this tour. Like, I'm very transparent. They knew that something was happening with somebody else that needed to learn something about obedience that I had knew nothing about. I didn't know why I was being so transparent. I'm just always transparent. Going back to that is what I'm saying is that I'm very careful through my experiences of trauma, through my experiences of death, and through my experiences my experience of my son, I would have wanted to be the highest representation of God on this earth that I could be for him. And that entails me showing up, being a good representation. What does that mean? Being transparent at all times, trying to do the best thing that I could do, like even if I'm in a dress room and if I see a curse, not now, but just on the journey, the Lord is not pleased with that. And he told me ten times that I can't do this. I had to ask for forgiveness, but that ain't really what he pleased with. But I am the person that will just say what it is in terms of what it do. You understand what I'm saying? I used to get irritated. Now I get irritated with people who plaster. I love God. You play gospel music, DA DA DA DA. You know how they have the little things on Instagram where you can say stuff or post something in 1 minute and then the next video you got like the little dots that they keep going to nothing, right? And it's all. Yeah. And then in the next one, it's like this be I'm like, now look, you're making it hard for me out here, bro. Like be one or the other. This is me, though. And I'm not being judgmental. I'm just saying this is what I'm working not to be. You understand what I'm saying? Like, I'm not judging anybody, but I'm saying that if I'm going to say that this is what I represent in one breath, I don't want to be the person in the next breath to not represent what I say I am. Because I don't wear my relationship requires like a loose garment. I don't put it off and put it back on as I feel led to. [01:03:55] Speaker B: But this is your walk. [01:03:58] Speaker A: That's my life. [01:03:59] Speaker B: You know what I mean? It's your walk. It's your worship. It is what you do every day. And that's what I admire the most about you, is to have lost all the protectors. [01:04:19] Speaker A: Can you believe that? [01:04:20] Speaker B: I was like, bro, as far as in the black community, you have the brother, the father, the son, the husband to lose all four God dog. [01:04:33] Speaker A: What are we talking about? [01:04:35] Speaker B: Right? And to get to your son what you carried for nine months. What are we talking about? To have all of that and to lose that. I can only imagine that there had to been days where you wonder I wonder what my son would have been still days. What he would have carried, what you could have instilled in him. [01:05:04] Speaker A: I broke down the other night. I'm sorry. I know you were talking. [01:05:11] Speaker B: No. [01:05:14] Speaker A: Those kind of things because it was still wrapped up in fletcher doesn't leave. You know, when I come out of know, I understand that there's something bigger going on here in terms of this time and space there's sometimes when this is just a God honest truth know, I would get a little happy. Like when the stuff started happening in our day and time with the Trayvon Martin, when Trayvon Martin got assassinated. And it just was a series after that, it seemed like every other, know, little black boys were being killed in the street by police officers. And it was a moment, I was like, my God. It felt like a burden lifted that I didn't have to carry that burden about, oh God, where's my son? What is he doing? Let me have this talk. Let me do those kind of things, all of that. And I would begin to pray for mothers and aunts and grandmothers because that we still have to cover our kids. But at the end of the day, it's all wrapped up in the flesh and the spirit. It's all wrapped up in the flesh and the spirit because we are a duality and we have to walk in this earth in this thing called flesh. And then you have to be a representation of the thing that you believe that's. Way bigger and greater, which is the thing that we call the Spirit Light to call. And so I'm just excited about this podcast because is it a podcast? Because you know I'd be saying the stuff wrong. [01:06:38] Speaker B: Yes. [01:06:41] Speaker A: Because you all know I'm so old. Like, I really am about 70 years old. But just walking through this journey, I don't know who I would be if he hadn't come to see about me and to prep me for what was coming, because he came right before it all started happening. And the crazy thing is, I was one of those people when I first got saved, and I was going to church, union Temple Baptist Church in DC. And everybody always had this story, like this terrible story. And it was like, you have to go through this terrible thing in order to have a great relationship with God. I was like, I don't know what you all are. I have a great relationship with God. My relationship is great, and I haven't been through any of those things. And I was mad. I was like, I can't stand why people always I mean, life ain't got to be like this for everybody. And I did have a great relationship. I was on fire for Christ. I was like, you can't see about me. I start speaking to tongues. I was like, oh, this is nice. And I started getting that revelation, and then bam. And it all happened. It was a trickle effect. It was a trickle effect. But again, it all sets you up for your assignment. And can you be sent? And going through, can you be sent? No, because everybody can. But he's looking for people who can be sent to Carlo and everybody can't. You know what? [01:08:12] Speaker B: I'm giving us a word. [01:08:14] Speaker A: It's the truth. When I went to China listen, you going into these communist countries and you're having conversations with people, and prayer is not welcome. When I remember when I went to China, they was like, don't take your Bible. Don't pray. Don't do this. It's cameras everywhere. And I say and the crazy thing, like, these people in concentration camps and everything else is like, when you get to a point where you got to be like, in reality, am I going to serve and still say what I believe, regardless of what the situation is and regardless of what that might possibly represent? I don't know. I heard a pastor say once that people are born for the time that they're needed the most. And when you're on this journey and you go through stuff like the loss of your grandmother, the loss of your father, the loss of any loved one, and definitely, absolutely the loss of a child, it's setting me up. And it's been setting me up, and it's still setting me up for the time that I'm going to be needed the most. And when I have to show up for these times that I'm needed the most acalo. I want to show up in the highest level that I possibly can to represent him, which means being authentic, which means being even if you don't believe what I believe, you won't see what I believe, regardless of whether you understand it or not, because everybody has to believe in something you believe in. When you go to work, people don't have no job believing it. I got tired of coming to a cast, and I'm reading the script, and with singing, we embellish a lot. And sometimes you get in these rooms, no embellishment, sing what's on the page. Or if it says if the line is, I had a great day, and you might be like, I had a good day, don't say it's not good. It's a you got the other person standing over there walking through it. And then you leave and you go home and you work hard to memorize your script. I'm working hard to memorize these songs and to be a good representation on this stage, because that's what my job requires. But then walking out in these streets and then being a sloppy representation of what I say I serve, brother wasn't working for me. That wasn't working for me. [01:10:43] Speaker B: Wow. [01:10:45] Speaker A: Where we at? You know what I'm saying? And, you know, and I use the theater because I know, you know, stop me when I mean right? Yeah. Tell me when I'm lying. Tell me. We don't do it if they tell us to do this. You can create your characters and be and you can do some embellishments there, but the carlo is somebody else's body of work that you are showing up to be. I'm a conduit for effie. Effie was written I'm showing up as a conduit for Effie, and I'm going to perfect being a conduit for Effie, but I'm not going to perfect being a conduit for him. Bro, you got me twisted. And that's what my son does for me, my brother, my father, my relationships with people like you when we're just having conversations and the Holy Spirit just shows up because he feels like it, and it's life changing for us because that's the thing that helps me walk into a room. I can't walk into the room without him because you're not going to kill me in these streets, these audition streets. You're not going to take my self esteem away, because either you get the gig or you not. You got somebody telling you you're good enough. Oh, you're too fat, you're too short, you're too skinny, you too loud. You do this, I'm going to represent who I'm representing first, and then I'm going to try to beat this character. [01:12:12] Speaker B: You got to know yourself. But if you don't have a certain type of relationship, the car loan, how you going to know what you got? [01:12:21] Speaker A: But it's about represent. It really is about the representation, because you never know who's watching you. You know what I'm saying? And right now I know I'm talking to people who say that they are part of the body of Christ. That's fine, because you're not going to ask me to pray three times a day to the sun, to the left, and to the back because I'm not a Muslim. My Bible says that I got to pray without ceases. So we pray all day long, bro, but I'm not going to get on my knees and pray to man, so you're not going to expect that of me. So anybody who is not believing in this situation in terms of what God and my son has done for me, I don't expect that from you. I'm going to love you regardless, because if I don't, I'm going to get in trouble according to what I believe, you know what I'm saying? I can't judge you, I can't rebuke you, I can't talk down to you. If you are Christian, we could have some words because the Bible says that you can take somebody who says that they agree with what you agree with, and you all can have some conversation about what's going on according to who you tell me you are. But if you're not, I'm going to kiss you straight, dead in your mouth. We're going to go drink. If you ask me something about who. [01:13:26] Speaker B: I am, you're going to tell them without no hesitation that's what I love about you is the unwavering steadfastness of who you are, of your representation, and of your Walk. And it's just amazing, again, how to have lost things that was supposed to protect you and to help you in your Walk. You lost that, but you gained so much more, baby. And to that point, tell us what you have gained. If you could sum it up in just one in different types of words, whether that's peace or love. These different things from your loss that has pushed you into this spiritual walk. Like you said, where you're mindful of when you show up, when you're transparent, when you have made that vow to be the highest representation of god to be the best that you can be the best to not your ability, but to his ability that he can make you better. What have you gained? [01:14:57] Speaker A: I'm going to do two sides. On the natural side, I gained the ability to be trusted and continue to get called back. Because the authenticity that you are talking about, directors see it, casting agents see it. And when you walk into and I'm just using my job as an example because that's where I'm used the most, or even not that in shows that just got a phone call the other day to go do an opening for something. We'll talk about that later. But the authenticity and the ability to do your job diligently. Now this is on the flesh, workly worldly side. Of course it causes them. I have gained just this level of respect. And it's like you don't have to work as hard when you're authentic, when you are authentically, who you are living by certain standards, you're going to get the callback, you're going to get respect. When you walk in a room and people know who you are, they're going to change some things that they normally would do a little bit different when you're in the room. And that's right. You gain the ability to just walk through some open doors that God has for you because you're now ready on this side and the spiritual side, I have gained a place in his presence because without levels of hardship to call, some places you can't get. And I know that that sounds crazy, but I understand it now, whereas I didn't understand that when I was a brand new Christian. But there is something about going through traumatic experiences that causes you to have to sink or swim. And it's that fine line and it's Him that pulls you above it all to say, I'm getting ready to show you the next level of who I am. And it's in the presence where you just gain all of these things. It is so much. It's stability, it's authenticity, it's stick to itiveness. It's meekness, it's humility, it's long suffering. It's love, real love. It's joy. It's a peace that really does pass all understanding. It's the ability to gird your tongue. It's the ability to have self control. It's the ability to love in the face of hate. It's the ability to pray for somebody to have a changed heart. It's the ability to look past what you see with your natural eyes and ask God to show you what's going on in the spirit. It's the ability to not react, but act in a moment of what the situation requires because somebody could punch you in your face and in that moment you could feel like the situation requires for me to punch you back. But in reality, there may be something that God had been doing with that person. And you have in his presence, you hear from Him, and you are not unto yourself. You're being moved and grounded and guarded by something higher than you. And you don't do things that you do things according to the unctions of God. You do things according to his movement, like just really experiencing some of these non fruit of the spirit and it doesn't look the same, you know what I'm saying? And again, on both sides, they match up in the end because on this side, she was like, oh, this person. People look for people. Can you get along well with others? Can you add something to this cast? If I send you out on the road, could you be a help with getting these young people together so that we can get this show together, so that we can all be on stage on time? Are you going to be an addictive to that. It starts to work together, right. But that present side is for you because it's at your will. You don't have to do it, but when you're in this presence, you choose to do it. And right now, with so many things that are going on, decaller, I'll just end with this. Well, we'll end however you want to end. But I'll just say that now more than ever, I pray that people have the opportunity to get into his presence because the things that are going on, it's a supernatural situation. And it's like you got to be mindful. And I think that people need to be understanding that this is a time where you're going to have to choose ye this day, who you're going to serve, period. Regardless of whether you understand and believe that or not, you might want to go ask somebody or go get somewhere and do a little I don't know, a little whatever you do to get where you need to be. But I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anybody. I'm not. I'm just saying, like, there's so many different things that people can do, keep it real, how they hear, so whatever it is. But right now, baby, it ain't no hot or cold no more. I mean, it's no lukewarm. You either hot or cold. It's no gray. You're going to be black or you're going to be white. And I think as we move on, we'll see what the end is going to be. And I just look forward now in terms of this transition with understanding death and understanding how my experience and my child leading me through the unction of God, of course, and the Holy Spirit and the experience of it all, leading me to look forward to no fear. Like, I can walk through this life and I don't have any fear. I can stand up. I can go to China. I could carry my Bible with me outside because it's going to be you know what I'm saying? I don't already went through it all. I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of none of it. I don't have any fears that's holding me back. Oh, maybe I can't do this because, nah, we out you. It is what it is, brother is going to be what it's going to be. I had to believe God through way too much to walk in fear. And trust me, if God is calling you like a Decalo to stand up in front of a world that says you can't say this or you're going to get canceled, cultured or you can't do this because somebody going to cancel you, if God tell you to do something, what you going to do? You're going to go for that $100,000 that they're going to give you for a gig if you would just do this or you're going to be like, do this. No, I'm serious. Or are you going to be like. [01:22:09] Speaker B: Nah, brother, what you're saying? [01:22:10] Speaker A: That's online up. You know what I'm saying? And then are you going to be able to operate in the womb of uncertainty to know that he going to provide for you? You don't know that just because you say it. You know that because you live it. You got to have that experience. You got to go through that to have the courage to stand up, because it's a spiritual warfare. It's not about me. I'm being a conduit for a representation because there's millions of people. That's a conduit for the other side of the representation. We have war, bro. What are we going to do? You can't shake me. You can't shake me. You feel me? You can't shake me. So it's like, let's go. [01:22:54] Speaker C: Family, mindfulness, representation, transparency, authenticity. What does that mean to you? People are born for the time they are needed the most. So I ask you, what is your function? You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.