Leading While Grieving with Melissa Bethea

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories. Passion alone. [00:00:02] Speaker B: Mourn. [00:00:03] Speaker A: Guilt. [00:00:03] Speaker B: Loneliness. [00:00:04] Speaker A: Regret. [00:00:05] Speaker B: Peace. Relationships unfamiliar. [00:00:08] Speaker A: If you put God first, you'll never be last. [00:00:11] Speaker C: This is grief at the cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. Hello, family, and welcome to grief at the cookout. Today I am joined by the incomparable worship powerhouse herself, Melissa Bathea. Melissa is a Newark, New Jersey native, a daughter, wife, mother, vocalist and worship leader. Melissa is best known for her work with JJ Harrison and youthful praise. Leading hit songs such as you are worthy, hear me, Lord, glory and honor, and he loves us. Also featured on albums with Bishop Hezekiah Walker, Lance Williams in true worship, and the Potter's house Denver choir, Melissa serves in the capacity as the worship leader at New Light Christian Church in Houston, Texas. She is anointed gifted and appointed, pouring herself into music ministry with focused vision on hope, encouragement and salvation. Join us for this impactful episode on consistency, capability, connectivity, and testimony in leading while grieving. [00:01:29] Speaker B: Oh, blessed be the name of the Lord who always causes us to triumph, y'all. I cannot believe who I have on the podcast today. The incomparable Melissa Bethia. [00:01:42] Speaker A: Whoo. [00:01:44] Speaker B: When I say God is in the building, God is in the building. I got my hands lifted up and raised. [00:01:51] Speaker A: Please put some funky hands down. Okay? Right. [00:01:56] Speaker B: I put on deodorant. [00:01:57] Speaker A: Don't worry. [00:02:01] Speaker B: When I say God answers prayers, he's a prayer answer he got. I cannot believe it. But yes, when I say this, psalmist, praise and worship leader, teacher, educator, mother, everything. She's on the podcast today and for this episode called leading while grieving. Now, Melissa, in true grief at the cookout fashion, I always ask my guests, what is your favorite cookout food? Or if you have many. How are you feeling today? I know you just cooked. [00:02:35] Speaker A: Okay, well, I have a cookout meal. [00:02:38] Speaker B: Okay, tell us this meal. [00:02:40] Speaker A: That is a must for me. Okay. It's a hot dog, right? Hot dog must be burnt. You understand? It needs to be black occasion. I need a black hot dog. I need the skin to be propped up like little boils all over. I need to be burnt. Oh, I love a burnt hot dog. Okay. With ketchup. [00:02:58] Speaker B: Ketchup on. [00:02:59] Speaker A: Add to the list macaroni salad and baked beans. If I got those three things, baby, I'm happy, man. [00:03:09] Speaker B: That sound like a good. [00:03:12] Speaker A: And if you really want to get pull a razzle dazzle, you get a hot dog. But you put barbecue sauce on the hot dog. I mean, I'm sorry, a hamburger. Put barbecue sauce on the hamburger. No cheese just then. [00:03:27] Speaker B: That means that that hamburger was seasoned well. [00:03:30] Speaker A: What were you telling? I've been black all my life. [00:03:34] Speaker B: It got little onions in it. [00:03:36] Speaker A: Little green pepper, little onion. [00:03:45] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. See, I don't even know what was about to happen. I don't even know what I did to my own self today because I'm. [00:03:51] Speaker A: Not ready for you. [00:03:53] Speaker B: Look, I'm just glad mother is not on here today because I will really be on the floor. First of all, your mother is funny. [00:04:02] Speaker A: I almost went to her house to do this because my husband's home, my baby's home. Like y'all need to be. I need quiet. I'm going to go across street to my mother, and someone said, no, we go upstairs. You almost got us in that. You almost got the evangelist. [00:04:14] Speaker B: Let me tell you. Because if she would have popped in, don't worry, I'm going to get her. I'm going to get her next time. [00:04:19] Speaker A: Grief has took out a bit over. [00:04:25] Speaker B: So look, this episode, our first season, we had Stephen heard on here. He dropped some gems. And this particular episode is for our leaders. This particular episode is for worship leaders. Worship is near and dear to my heart. The folks in the church house, the folks that love the Lord, the folks that want to know God. Aspiring leaders. This episode is for them. So when you hear the phrase leading while grieving, what are the things that pop into your mind when you hear that? [00:05:02] Speaker A: Wow. What pops into my mind when I hear that phrase is my own personal experience, because I've had to lead while grieving, and I could not show my grief. [00:05:13] Speaker B: Wow. [00:05:15] Speaker A: While I was leading, I still had a job to do. I still had an assignment. So it brings my own personal life to the forefront when I hear a phrase like that. And I also think about all the other people that are serving around this world who are going through some major stuff, and they still find a place within themselves to show up. And I applaud them. I thank God for them, because it's easy to quit. It's much harder to stand fast and say, I'm going to stay in it until I see what God has promised. So I give my hats off to anybody who is grieving and who decides I'm going to show up anyway. [00:05:58] Speaker B: Yeah. And how long have you. I'm going to ask you a twofold question. The first question is, how long have you been in leadership? And then the second question is, how long have you been in ministry? [00:06:13] Speaker A: Interesting. So I have been in leadership, I want to say probably around 20 years. When I started going to my uncle dad's church, I kind of took on a leadership role when I went there in 2000. But I've been in ministry. Wow. Most of my life, and I'll be 42 this year. So I've been in ministry most of my life because I was born and raised in the church. Been singing since I was a kid. Always in somebody's group choir or something like that. So I've been in ministry pretty much my whole life, but I have only been leading for around 20 years or so. [00:06:54] Speaker B: 20 years. And do you count those years of leadership just within ministry, or do you count those years of leadership outside of ministry? [00:07:07] Speaker A: Um, I want to say within. Within ministry, because although I did have, like, I had a secular job, I've only started doing full time ministry, maybe within the last. It hasn't even been ten years. It's been. It hasn't really been that long. So I've worked a secular job, but I wasn't in, like, a manager position. I didn't want to be. I wanted to make the hourly money. I didn't want to salary breaks. God. I wanted overtime and get paid for it. Amen. [00:07:42] Speaker B: Amen. [00:07:43] Speaker A: But, yeah, so I was admin, administrative assistant. That was pretty much my role when I worked outside of. Outside the ministry. So I really held most of my leadership roles within the church, which is a lot. [00:08:00] Speaker B: It is a lot. Okay. So I'm asking you another question, and the reason why I'm asking this is because sometimes I think that when we talk about leadership, we talk about it in a way of when we have been professionally, have been leading, or when it's like, this is my particular title. But did you ever see yourself in a leadership position? [00:08:28] Speaker A: No. I didn't even want to sing Decarla. I didn't want to sing Jesus, do you understand? Because I didn't want to sing. Let me tell you what I wanted to do. I was going to New Jersey Institute of Technology, one of the major technology schools in the. An amazing university. I was going there for biology, and I was going to be a pharmaceutical engineer. My mind was on the bag. I was going to get. I didn't want to sing. I was going to go to church. I was going to love the Lord. But I wasn't doing all that. First of all, take it back. I didn't even want to hear nobody saying, sing my lesson. I hated that because that's what they did to my mom. And my mom, that lady can throw down. So all I would hear when I was little was saying, barbara, go ahead. Oh, my God, dag. I didn't want to? No, thank you. I'm not interested. So I'm like, okay, yeah, God, no. I'm about to go get this bag. I love science. I can do it. I'm capable. I'm good at it. I'm good at math. I can remember stuff. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. God was like, yeah, no, he played me. I wasted my time and my money. He played me. [00:09:39] Speaker B: Look, I feel like. When did you get the call? [00:09:43] Speaker A: Right? Like, you could have told me this before. You could have made this clear before I signed my name on the dotted line for these loans. Amen. Okay. So I was like, okay, God, I hear you. I'm going to do your will. And so once I said yes, that's where all these doors, you know what I'm saying, started opening. Mind you, this time I was in leadership at my church, but I didn't want to do it. I was just doing it because I was capable, not because I loved it. You understand what I'm saying? [00:10:25] Speaker B: Now, that's a gym. I was going to write that down somebody. [00:10:29] Speaker A: And that's where things took a turn for me. That's when purpose and ability and the heart, when those things meet up, you cannot be stopped. So before I said yes to the Lord, I was just doing it because I was capable, because there was a need, because I was asked to do it. So I was filling the need because that's how I was brought up. In church, if there's a need, you do what you got to do. All that your hands find to do, do it to the glory and honor of God. If there's a hole, fill hole. If you got the talent, you got to do it. So that's just what I was doing. I was helping because my sister had fallen ill and she could not leave the choir. She could not do all that she was doing. So I just filled in while she was recovering and I kind of never left. But anyway, that's another story. [00:11:16] Speaker B: Now, wait a minute. Now, that was almost as if that you were leading. Would you say that you were leading involuntarily because you didn't give it an yes? [00:11:33] Speaker A: I wouldn't say that was involuntary, but it wasn't something that I would have chosen for myself. I wouldn't have chosen for myself. [00:11:49] Speaker B: This is good because you got my mind sitting over here racing because I think about, like you said in church, growing up in church, we do, we. [00:12:03] Speaker A: Do, we do, we do. [00:12:04] Speaker B: We go. But then it's like, oh, yeah, I can do it. But I don't really want to do it. [00:12:09] Speaker A: Correct. [00:12:11] Speaker B: I kind of want to go over there across the street. I want to be a lay member, a pew warmer. [00:12:20] Speaker A: Yes. [00:12:22] Speaker B: But I really don't want to be before the people. Now, when it was that time when you decided that you were going to say yes, what got you to that point of the actual yes? [00:12:38] Speaker A: And actually the lorking my tail. [00:12:42] Speaker B: The. [00:12:43] Speaker A: Lord whooped on me. He know to him that other people, I can be like, baby, you can kick rocks. But he know with him, my heart be sensitive. So he whooped up on me around one Easter. Oh, man. He whooped up on me. We had the sunrise. The sunrise prayer had to be in church at 05:00 in the morning. [00:13:06] Speaker B: That's right. [00:13:07] Speaker A: And we had prayer, and I couldn't even pray right, because I wouldn't tell the Lord yes after that, because I don't like when I'm not able to enter into his presence. I don't like any blocks or anything like that. And I knew I had to surrender. I knew I had to give God a total and complete yes. And so I had already been serving, working, doing music ministry. I think I was doing praise and worship at that point, because I didn't share this with you, but I grew up in the church that they didn't have praise and worship like we know it now. It was devotional when I was growing up. [00:13:40] Speaker B: Devotionals, where the deacons stand in front of the yes. [00:13:45] Speaker A: So when I got my uncle's church, I was asked to lead the choir. They already had worship. Well, one Sunday, he's like, you're doing it now? I said, mix you. That ain't what we talked about. That ain't what we discuss. So I'm like, okay, wow. But I just did it because it was obedience. I just did it right. But I knew God wanted more from me. So that Easter Sunday, I just went to my dad's office. I said, dad, I hear the Lord. I know he's calling me into ministry. Like, for real, for real. And I'm just going to say yes. And he just looked at me like, about time, negro. And so once I said, it looked. [00:14:30] Speaker B: Like your mother right there. [00:14:37] Speaker A: Once I said yes to it all, it was. Then I said yes to everything. God, whatever you want me to do. You want me to preach, you want me to prophesy, you want me to. Whatever you want me to do, the answer is yes. And once I said a total yes, the doors just started opening like crazy. [00:14:54] Speaker B: Did you ever find yourself? Now, I don't want to say leading involuntarily, but leading. Being a leader to those when you didn't even see yourself as a leader. [00:15:12] Speaker A: Not the law. Well, because I'm thinking about the words of my mom. She would often say, like, once you end something, you in it. Once you end it, you give it 100%. So once I decided to give myself over to it, I couldn't think about what they saw me as. I had to do what I. [00:15:37] Speaker B: That's right. [00:15:38] Speaker A: You know what I'm saying? It's like sink or swim. You out there, make moves. Now, you can't be looking crazy. You can't be looking unsure, because they have to trust that the person in front of them knows what they're doing. So I had to put all of that behind me. That. And plus, I was a kid. I was young, so I was always looked at as little Melissa. Little Melissa. Okay, I ain't little Melissa now, I'm leading you. And obviously, I've been put in front of you because somebody above me got trust in me. So I had to get that out of my mind, that people looking at you like, little Melissa, get that out your mind and do what you know how to do and all that you don't know how to do. Ask God, and he'll tell you how to do. [00:16:32] Speaker B: For myself, I grew up, of course, in the church, and I had my praise and worship. I call it era. Well, I call it an era because it's near and dear to my heart. But I kind of took a little turn with what I do in the arts. Now, I had my era, and I remember the time that even during my era, I had ended up losing my dad and how I had to navigate that. You know what I mean? So I know that we talk about grief and whether that's a family member or a loved one or a job or friendships or relationships or marriage or whatever, what have you. But can you think of a specific? Because you share whatever you would like to share, but, like, a specific moment that in this time of leading, where you were grieved. On this podcast, this platform, we define grief as the absence of joy. So any moment where you just felt like you didn't have joy, you know what I mean? [00:17:48] Speaker A: Okay. [00:17:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:17:49] Speaker A: All right. One moment in particular is when my husband and I were trying to conceive a child. We didn't start off right away. We did a lot of practice. Hallelujah, God. But I didn't let them shoot the club up. Amen. Hallelujah. [00:18:10] Speaker B: Oh, glory. [00:18:12] Speaker A: I didn't want them to shoot the club up just yet. Praise God. So about five years after we got married, we were like, okay, now you know, we're ready. So we started trying, and I got pregnant pretty much right away. So I was excited about that and went to get the twelve week checkup and found out the pregnancy was not viable now. Had already got the initial checkup, everything was good. Went back for twelve weeks. Pregnancy is not viable. So I lost that pregnancy. Well, I went on a journey from there of miscarriage after miscarriage, and I never stopped worshipping. Yeah, I never stopped leading. I didn't tell my dad I need a break, but I was devastated after that last one, that last miscarriage, I was done. I was angry with God because I couldn't believe how he would allow the faithful worshipper not to carry a child. I wasn't asking for a million dollars. I'm just asking for my body to work. I'm just asking for nature to do its thing. I didn't feel like I was asking for nothing. That was out of line or something. That was outrageous. So I couldn't believe that God would not let me carry a child. And I was just totally upset with God about it. That last miscarriage really took me through. And it was so interesting because while I was miscarrying, actively miscarrying, because sometimes doesn't always happen in one shot. So it took days. So I'm actively miscarrying, and I get a call to sing at a funeral, and I'm like, for real? I'm going through my own thing. I don't want to sing over your people right now. But it was a tragic situation, and I felt she was a young widow. She was, like, in her 20s young widow. And she asked me to sing a particular song. She said, can you sing he holds my world in his hands. You hold my world rather by Israel. I'm like, of all the songs, you want me to sing that? [00:20:23] Speaker B: Okay, I'm sorry, but, like, really? [00:20:28] Speaker A: I'm like, oh, my God. So when I'm feeling like my world is crumbling on the ground, you want me to sing, you hold my world in your hands? Okay, great. Got you. Real funny. So I go to the funeral, I start to sing that song, and the song started ministering to me. And that's what. When you really love God, your heart is open. Even when you're angry, your heart is open, right? So even in that moment, I was angry with God, but he ministered to me through that song. And I said, well, lord, your word is true. You gave me a word. You told me that you're going to give me a child. You gave me a time frame. You said in six months. So you got until February to work this miracle. So up until then, I am just hurt. I don't know, I'm disappointed. I'm like, God, I cannot believe you allowed this to happen to me again. And I'm hurt. But I didn't stop worshipping God, and I didn't bleed on the people that I was serving with and ministering with because my mindset was, although my situation is zapping the joy out of my life, it does not change who God is. [00:22:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:01] Speaker A: Just because I'm dealing with infertility does not make him any less holy, any less worthy. And if I can just worship him on those two tenants alone for the rest of my life, because he is still good, he is still wonderful, he is still great. And so it made me become a more connected worshipper to who God really is. Because I wasn't worshipping based on my circumstance, because I wasn't happy with nothing that was going on. But I had to worship him according to who he was, which was constant, because I knew my situation was going to change. It might not change right away, but I know it's going to change. So I'm not worshipping him according to what I'm going through now. I got to worship him according to something that's stable, and what's stable is who he is. So I begin to worship him according to the person of Jesus, the personality, the character of God. I began to worship him even more intently. I was doing it before, but it became even more real because that's all I could hold on to, is that I trusted who he was. I trusted who he told me he was. I trusted who I heard he was, who I read about, that he was in his word. I trusted that. So I had to worship him according to that. And all the while I was physically bleeding and I was emotionally bleeding, but I could not stop going. And I think that's where a lot of people miss it. You start bleeding and then you stop. Just because you're bleeding don't mean you don't keep going. The woman with the issue of blood bled for twelve years, but it didn't stop her from pushing through the crowd to get what she needed to get from God. I might be bleeding a little bit right now, but I'm not going to stop because my bleeding is going to end. And while I'm in the transition period of waiting for that, I'm just going to keep worshipping. And that's what I had to do. I just could not stop. I just couldn't stop worshipping God. [00:24:15] Speaker B: You mentioned bleeding on the people, and I think this is a topic, that phrase that we hear all the time, especially amongst worship leaders, because of the state of how the leader is for the people and to lead those behind them. Were you ever in a place where you learned the tips and the tools of how not to bleed on the people before this moment? Or was this a moment that was new for you and you were going through what you were going through, but you kind of knew exactly how not to let that impute on the people, if you know what I mean. [00:25:03] Speaker A: I had, of course, heard about it because I would listen to other worship leaders. I will watch YouTube or I would read books, because I was still learning to be a worship leader. So I was reading, I was studying, I was watching people that I admire, people like Dr. Juice McAllister, who I love. [00:25:23] Speaker B: My. [00:25:26] Speaker A: I would, you know, always hear them say, and of course, my dad would be, can't. You can't bleed on the people. Whatever you're dealing with, that's not for you to throw it on them. So I would hear that. And so that was my opportunity to put that into practice, like, all right, girl, now you're going through something for real. Now ain't the time to be dumping it on, because that's not what you. [00:25:51] Speaker B: Up here to do, right? [00:25:53] Speaker A: You are up here to pave the way for the glory of God to come and to rest in this room. We ain't got time for that. We ain't got time for that. [00:26:02] Speaker B: Your own spirit? [00:26:04] Speaker A: Yes, absolutely. And it's not to say that what I was going through wasn't important. And I don't want any worship leader who listened to this and say, oh, well, what I'm dealing with, it don't matter. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is there's a time and a place, and when you are up there, you're up there to do a job. You are up there to usher in the presence of God in a very tangible way. And that is not the time to hone in on your personal issues. That is the time for you to focus in on the presence of God and do what it is he needs you to do in that moment. Because what you've got to know is, as you focus in on him, he's working things out on your behalf. You don't have to beg God 100 times, God, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. He going to fix it. He going to work it out. You mentioned your dad passing away and how you had to deal with that. You know what I'm saying? While you were leading. My father passed away when I was 13 years old, my natural father. And this is a very weird thing to say, but I thank God it happened when it did, because now that I look back over my life, I know that had it happened any later in life, I can't tell you I would have handled it the same way. [00:27:26] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:27] Speaker A: I cannot say that I would have handled it the same way, but I know what it's like to lose people you love and you still got to worship. [00:27:39] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:43] Speaker A: And the world will look at you like, how are you lifting your hands right now? And somebody you expected to be healed on this side was not. [00:27:54] Speaker B: Yeah, it's one of those things, like, when I look at it, this podcast was birthed out of the grief from my dad. This platform is the reason I had to find me an outlet, a healthy outlet, and not pick up bad habits. And I've said this before, but I went through depression. It was something that I didn't know that I didn't know what depression was, I didn't know what it was, but I had erratic behavior, my mood swings were swinging. The mood swings were swinging, okay. And I realized I have to go seek some type of form of help. And leading worship was an outlet for me. But then it became so overwhelming, the grief and the depression, that I had to go, okay, wait a minute, I need something else to help me. I need some tips, some tools, something, because how can I go and be like, come on, lift your hands. God is great, greatly to be praised, and next thing I'm cussing somebody out. Yeah, I'm over it. And so I had to find some type of outlet, and I still deal with it today. Next week, the 14th, February the 14th will be my dad's death anniversary. Thank you. But it's one of those things where I circled this podcast around that and around, we celebrate Valentine's day for those. [00:29:39] Speaker A: Of us who do. [00:29:40] Speaker B: But we talk about love. And it just so happened that he passed away on that day where people, where it's love is very vibrant, people are talking about it and giving gifts and different things. So that was one of the things for me. And I had to find this type of outlet for leaders who are going through some type of grief and they're battling that leading while grieving and trying not to bleed on the people and trying to move forward. What outlets would you say? What are the outlets, I guess that you found for yourself. And I know you talked about something, you talked about where your connected worship and how you got to a place in worship because you knew that God was stable. And I think that's really important because I don't even think that sometimes we even think about the fact that when I end up worshipping him in spirit and in truth, and when I get to a place where I'm just worshiping him just because of who he is, I find myself in one of the most stable grounds. Oh my J. Dr. Judy, whom I love as well, she always talks about when you're in a place of worship, there's nothing else there. There's nothing else there but you and know. [00:31:08] Speaker A: Yes. [00:31:09] Speaker B: So what were some of the things that you did? The healthy outlets. [00:31:16] Speaker A: Healthy outlets. Honestly speaking, I'm not trying to be deep. I'm not. Because I do believe in therapy. I believe in God. If you need to go sit on somebody's couch, you better go because ain't nothing wrong with that. The Bible says there's safety in the multitude of council. So you go and find somebody to talk to. Ain't nothing wrong with that. I did not go that route. What I did, what worked for me, I had to stay in the presence of God. I had to stay in the house of God. I had to stay in prayer. I had to stay in the word of God to keep me built up so that when I would get those waves of grief or sadness about what I'm dealing with, I had something that I was built upon so I wouldn't go all the way down. Yeah, because I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that those ways of grief won't push you over because they might push you over. But when you are built upon the rock, it will not take you down because you are built on something that save us. I had to build my life and build my walk and build my prayers life and build my mind on the rock that is Jesus. So that means I had to stay in the word. I had to confess over myself. You are the joyful mother of children. That's what I was dealing with. So I had to confess, had to make positive affirmations over my life. I am the joyful mother of children. My womb is blessed. My body is healed. All is well. The word of God will be performed over my life. I am well. I am healed. I am whole. I had to continue to confess good things over my life, because the enemy was constantly bombarding me with what wasn't going to happen. And he's a liar. He just kept bombarding me with lies about what wasn't going to happen. But I had to go back to that word, you know what I'm saying, that God gave me. I had to stand on that word, had to stand on that prayer. I had to stand on those confessions and believe that God was going to do it. And that's truly what got me through. It was truly being in the presence of God, worshipping God according to who is doing that and believing and standing on that word and making those confessions over my life. I had to confess the word over and over and over and over. Faith, faith coming by, hearing and hearing by the word of God. I'm healed. The healing of the children's bread, I had to confess it. Oh, he was wounded for my transgression, bruised from my iniquity. The chastising of his peace was upon me. And with his stripes, I'm healed. Had to confess it over and over and over and over and over again and until I saw God bring to pass what he had told me. And it didn't take long, but I had to be consistent, and that's what I want people to hear. Your consistency is what matters. It's not about the quality all the time, because your prayer not be your economy, it might not be that, but you consistent in coming to God. I'm just here, Lord. Matter of fact, I ain't got nothing to say today. I'm just here. I'm going to turn on this worship music or whatever. I'm just here, God, I'm just here. Glory, glory. And sometimes that's all God wants from you. Just come to him. You ain't got to say nothing. You don't got to be Juanita binding. When you get in his presence, just sit with him and let him wash over you. You know what I'm saying? With his love. And another thing I want to say for those of us who are leading while grieving, grieve, don't tell nobody. You can't grieve, don't let nobody tell. Cry. You mad. Tell God you're mad. You angry? Say you're angry. You feel like it's unfair? Say it. Be honest. That's the problem with the church. We try to shroud things of religiosity. Be honest about what you're going through. You got a problem? You got a sin problem? Be honest. Yeah, you got a flesh problem, be honest. You pissed off. Say it. God ain't going to get mad at you about that. He'd rather you be honest and say, this is how you feel. This is what's going on. This is what I feel about this. God, I'm angry about. I'm mad at you. He's fine with that. He can handle it. Just say it. [00:35:42] Speaker B: Jesus. I feel the Holy Ghost. When you were talking and you were talking about consistency, you know what I'm hearing? I will praise you forever. I hear that because when every time I think of you, I hear that reprieve right in my head. There's no limits on my love for you. All of that right there. Oh, you know. I know. [00:36:13] Speaker A: And I listened back to it because I think I went through my husband, we had went through our infertility things after that, and I listened to that. I said, girl, you had to live that thing. [00:36:24] Speaker B: Let me tell you something. I would get in the car and I will skip the song. Say, okay, I got to go back to the song, but I got to go straight to that moment, that moment of ministry, that moment of passion, that moment of transparency. And this was before I knew who you were. This was me. Who is the lady that sings this song? Right? And I was like, I was trying to find. Trying to find it, and that's when I started to follow you. And I was like, wait a minute. This woman is bad. But that's what I heard while you were talking. That's what I heard. When you got to the other side and the Lord fulfilled what he said he was going to do, how did that influence your leadership? [00:37:29] Speaker A: It. It made me a stronger leader because I had more confidence in the God who put me in that position. So because he came through for me the way that he did, I was able to trust him even the more as I led his people because, God, if you could do that, because that was a big deal. So, God, if you could do that for me, then I know you're going to tell me how to leave this room. It ain't no problem. I know you're going to tell me how to deal with this conflict resolution with these people that I'm dealing with. It ain't no problem. I know you're going to tell me what to do because I got three people out and I need to supplement them and I got a bunch of moving parts. I know you're going to tell me how to do this because if you could do that, this is a piece of cake. And so it made me trust him to help me do my assignment even the more literally, where it used to be like, oh, God, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me. Now it's like, God, I thank you for the grace for this assignment, even give me just what to do. And instead of being anxious now, I rest. I rest in him and wait for the plan, and then I just do what he says. [00:39:09] Speaker B: I. I want to know, how did it influence your worship? And I know the song. He's the lion and the lamb. [00:39:19] Speaker A: The lion and the lamb. [00:39:20] Speaker B: But did it go from a baby cub to a full blown. [00:39:30] Speaker A: It went from meow to. Because you can't tell me nothing about God, baby. You can't tell me nothing about him. I'm going crazy every time. I thought I was crazy before that, because I was always like, all in once, God did that, and I could carry my miracle and look my miracle in my face. I held a miracle in my hands. [00:39:58] Speaker B: Wow. [00:39:59] Speaker A: What? Oh, I'm going to lose it every time, and nothing going to stop me from, I don't care if I'm sick. I don't care if I'm tired. I don't care what I'm feeling like on the inside, because I serve a miracle worker and I get to take my miracle to school every day, I am going to give God all that I can. So the worship went to another stratosphere, to a whole nother stratosphere. It had to. I had to show my gratitude. I couldn't be like the lepers that got their healing and didn't come back to say thank you. I'm going to always be one that come back and not only say thank you, but show my thanks by giving all that I can. So truly, the worship went to the roof. To the roof. [00:40:51] Speaker B: And in your demonstration of just showing, because I always say, being a leader, you can't take somebody to a place that you ain't never been. Okay, both of you. But when you were able, when you got to the other side of the mirror because she had the baby, okay. The baby she conceived. Okay. And you got to the other side, how did it influence the people that you were leading? Just by how your demonstration was. We talk about the posture, and sometimes people don't know what people are going through until they hear the testimony. And then everybody got their hands on their head like, oh, my goodness, you was going through this, and I would have never known because your posture never changed, and you see how that influenced people. But then to show your demonstration on how you're supposed to act after you receive the blessing, how did that influence the people that you lead? [00:42:00] Speaker A: I feel like everybody's faith was on ten. Everybody's faith was on ten. And so once, because they saw me going through it, don't think the devil didn't try me while I was pregnant. Don't think I didn't have to keep going to the emergency room because I was bleeding for the first twelve weeks, okay? Because maybe like 14 weeks I was bleeding, thinking the pregnancy is going to be challenged every couple of weeks, keeping having to go to the doctor mercy room. So literally I was singing worship and I felt blood. I said loose here. I said loose. Korra bandi koshaya namahaya. I said loose here. And I went to the bathroom and I went straight to the emergency room. I said, devil, you're a liar. They went and checked the baby. She just bouncing around, living her best life. I said, devil, I'm sick of you. Around about the twelveth or 14th week, I said, I'm not going to bleed anymore. I said, satan, you're a liar. You're not going to worry me through this whole pregnancy. I rebuke you. I didn't bleed. Wow. I didn't bleed at all. My water didn't even break. I didn't bleed at all. Now that I think about it, I really prayed that prayer. I didn't bleed at that thing really worked. I didn't bleed. I had to get a caesarean because she wouldn't even turn to come out. I didn't bleed at all from that moment on because I was sick of the devil at that point. But he tried me. He tried me, believe me, he tried me the whole time. They tried to tell me my baby, her lung capacity wasn't going to be proper. They was going to have to deliver her and take her to another hospital. Then we will be separated. Oh, they told me a whole bunch of stuff, whole lot of stuff. And I rebuked the devil at every turn. I said, doc, I hear you and I know you got to tell me what you got to tell me, but I'm going to have my baby. Whatever hospital I have my child in, we're going to be there together. She won't be separated and everything is going to be fine. And it happened just the way I told him because I wasn't going to let the enemy keep. And I had to praise through that. I had to praise through every unfavorable report. I had to praise through it, worship through it, honor God through it. So once I finally was able to bring this baby, this miracle. Everybody's faith was on ten. God had to use me to show some people this is how you go through. I ain't saying I'm perfect, but I know what I had to do to make it through and I had to stay in this presence because there's a way to go through. Glory to God, there's a way to go through. If you want to get the victory. You can't fuss and cuss your way through. That's not how you get the victory. That's not how you get it. You're going to have momentary gratification because you fuss and cuss for a moment, but when it's all over with, you're going to be feeling bad again. You want to get the victory, you got to go through with grace. I ain't saying you don't get upset, I'm not saying you don't get sad, I'm not saying you don't get angry, but you can't let it overwhelm you, can't let it overwhelm you because it's a temporary thing. It's going to change, it's going to change, it's going to change. Set your hopes and your affections on things that are eternal, things that are consistent. That's why I had to worship God for who he was. I had to focus in on his character, because if I focus in on my circumstance, I would have been a bumbling fool. That's the only way I made it. That's the only way I made it. [00:45:44] Speaker B: I'm telling you, you got me over here stuck. I mean the epitome of literal bleeding while you're leading, literally. [00:46:06] Speaker A: And I didn't stop, I didn't stop the worship, I felt it, but I kept going. Soon as the set was done, then I went and let that be a metaphor. [00:46:18] Speaker B: Come on. [00:46:19] Speaker A: That's exactly what you don't keep going, keep going, finish it out. And then when you're done, go handle. [00:46:26] Speaker B: Your business because I'm also hearing not only you brought in a physical life, you ask God for a miracle, you ask God for life and you brought into this world a physical life. But I'm also thinking about the leaders who also have ministries birth that they need to birth, that they ask God for and that they've been looking for the right people, the right funding, the right this and that, all of the tools and the tips to do it. And not only are we listening to a testimony of someone who birthed a life, a baby, but also let this be that metaphor as well, for those who are trying to birth things that they feel like I don't want to give up on, or I'm almost to the brink of giving up on. But you know that the Lord said that he was going to fulfill the. [00:47:35] Speaker A: Yes, yes. I'm telling you, you got to hold on to. To. Even when it seems like. What does Habeka say, though? The vision, tarry. Wait. I know it don't make a whole lot of sense because the word in itself, tarry, means to wait. So though it waits. Wait? [00:47:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:47:57] Speaker A: And it's like, I'm tired of waiting, God. I'm tired of waiting. And that's how I feel about a lot of things that have gone on in my life. I feel like I'm always the one that has to wait. It seems like everybody else, it's happening like this. Crackheads having babies every day. I just can't have one. What's the problem? Why do I always have to wait? But when I tell you, when I got on the other side of it, I was able to say it was good that I was afflicted. When I tell you, when I got through that thing and everything that it taught me, whoo. I give, God. Now, I don't want to go through that again no more, Lord. I'm just saying. But I'm thankful for what I learned and how I learned to trust him and how his word just never felt. When I tell you, he told me, I'm going to give you a miracle in six months. It was almost six months to the day that I found out I had conceived her. God don't lie. He don't play. He don't play. If I ain't learned nothing else, I'm telling you, I learned even more that God don't lie. And to trust. Oh, my God. And to trust him even while you are literally bleeding trust. It's going to happen. God, you said that you're going to give me a baby, but I'miscarrying. Yeah. I'm going to still do it. Don't worry. It don't make sense. I'm literally bleeding right now. I'm losing what I thought was the promise. [00:49:31] Speaker B: Well, that's it. That's the end because I'm done with that. Because, wow. [00:49:40] Speaker A: That last miscarriage, I thought that was it. I thought, this is the promise. This is it. And when I started to lose that pregnancy, I said, God, how can this be? I'm losing the promise. This can't be right. And he showed me. He showed me. I called one of the mothers of Zion. And I said, mother, I'm losing this pregnancy. She said, well, I tell you what. Because she was there when I got that prophetic word about what God was getting ready to do. She said, I tell you what, if you lose this pregnancy, this is not the promise. And she hung up. You know how church mothers, they just mystical. And I said, well, okay, there you have it. So if I lose it, this is not the promise. And when I tell you, about two months later, the promise came through, and I wasn't even looking for it no more. I wasn't even looking for it no more. I put it out my mind because it was too stressful to even feel. And then God just showed up. He did it. God is amazing. I don't know. [00:51:00] Speaker B: I wasn't even expecting this term, but you got me on my face right now, because literally, it's one of those things where in leadership, you see the works of God. And so often leaders get overlooked. We feel sometimes we get overlooked for the blessings, and then you have to be that example of how to praise God for what he did for somebody else. Meanwhile, you're like, God, I know you. [00:51:31] Speaker A: Said, it's coming, or you got to speak into somebody else and watch God do it, right? You prophesying and praying something into somebody else life that you need God to do for you, and you seeing it happen for them and you still waiting on yours. Now, Lord, I know you plan. [00:51:49] Speaker B: I know your promises are yay and amen, but how long do I got to wait for the promise? [00:51:56] Speaker A: This is what I want to know. [00:51:58] Speaker B: Do I have to wait that long? Like, Lord, I've been supporting. I've been doing this, I've been doing that. It just shows the faithfulness, but it also shows what it costs. [00:52:10] Speaker A: Oh, my God. [00:52:12] Speaker B: To not just be gifted in what you're doing, but to also be in a place where you have to lead a flock of people in whatever capacity that it is, it costs. And that's why so many people say, and this is a prime example, with this testimony alone, you don't know how much it cost. [00:52:34] Speaker A: We have no idea. [00:52:35] Speaker B: To be where I am. I didn't ask for this. [00:52:38] Speaker A: Did not. Didn't want it. Absolutely. [00:52:41] Speaker B: Many are called, but few are chosen. [00:52:48] Speaker A: I mean, those are the church at this point, right? [00:52:53] Speaker B: Exactly. Look, what can you leave with? Because I think leaders, we've got a lot right here, just alone these 50 minutes. But for aspiring leaders, drop some knowledge on them. [00:53:17] Speaker A: If you're aspiring to do what it is that we do, be sure about why you're getting into this. Did God call you or did you call yourself? Because if you called yourself, you're going to have a hard way to go because you ain't going to have no grace for the assignment. Because when you call yourself grace, don't come with that. Grace only come when God called you to it. So you just got to be sure that God called you and not you. Because you see the glamour of it, which, it ain't really glamorous, but you see the glamour of it. You see the quote unquote prestige. Or you might be on a flyer here or there, or you might get a little piece of change at the end of the service. No, believe me, if you want to do it well, you want to be effective. You want to be anointed. It's going to cost you. It's going to cost you some sleep. It's going to cost you friends. It's going to cost you relationships. It's going to cost you being at certain tables and being in certain circles. It's going to cost you. It's going to cost you your pride. It's going to cost you your ego. It's going to cost you a whole bunch of stuff. So just be sure you are ready to pay the price for what it means to do this assignment. And I would also want to leave with anybody aspiring to do what it is that we do. Be committed to excellence. Don't give God junk. Don't give God anything warmed over. The scripture talks about how fresh show bread would have to go into the temple daily. They could not leave old bread in there. So if just using that as a metaphor, don't give God nothing old. He wants something fresh daily. Every time you go before him, don't give him nothing warmed over. Give him your very breast. That means you got to practice. That means you got to hone your gift. That means you got to learn your keys. That means you got to know how to transition from one song to the next without being all over the place. It means practice. It means really investing in yourself to do a good job. And the last thing that I would leave for anybody aspiring to do what it is that we do, I would say to you, is keep your focus on the Lord. Everything else is secondary. Your private worship and prayer life is first, because what you do on the stage is just an overflow of what you do in private. And if nothing is happening on the stage, that's because you ain't doing nothing in private. So let's remember to keep our personal relationship with God at the forefront of our heart and our lives and everything else will flow out of that family. [00:56:09] Speaker C: Your consistency matters. Your confidence in who God is matters. Stay connected to the source. Know the source, because even in grief, there is a purpose. You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.