Do I Have a Condition? with Iyona Blake

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories. [00:00:00] Speaker B: Passion. [00:00:01] Speaker A: Alone. [00:00:02] Speaker B: Mourn. [00:00:03] Speaker C: Guilt. Loneliness. [00:00:04] Speaker A: Regret. [00:00:05] Speaker C: Peace. [00:00:06] Speaker B: Relationships. Unfamiliar. [00:00:08] Speaker A: If you put God first, you'll never be last. [00:00:11] Speaker B: This is Grief at the Cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. [00:00:19] Speaker C: Hello, family. [00:00:21] Speaker B: Welcome to grief at the cookout. Today day, I am joined by an actor, vocalist, wife, mother, educator, playwright, podcaster entrepreneur, and a big sister to me, Ayana Blake. Ayana is a fellow Helen Hayes, award winning actor, mental health awareness advocate, and has a huge heart for women. She has dedicated this season of her life to highlighting stories of victory while bringing awareness to women's issues both globally and locally. Tune in as Ayanna and I discuss the need for mental health, what is it and why, and do I have a condition? [00:01:18] Speaker C: Y'all, we got Ayanna Blake on this podcast. I don't know what I'm about to do. Welcome to the podcast, big SIS. [00:01:27] Speaker A: Thank you for having me. [00:01:29] Speaker C: Oh, but I'm glad you're here because I know you had a long day. [00:01:33] Speaker A: I had a long day. I said, you know what? Only for my brother. [00:01:38] Speaker C: That's right. [00:01:39] Speaker A: And I appreciate, you know, I love you. I love you. [00:01:41] Speaker C: Love you too. So before I even ask the question that I normally ask everybody, we have a fellow podcaster on this podcast today, someone who taught me how to do what I do on this podcast. That is the Ayanna Blake. The host, the everything. She is omnipotent. That's what I call her. She has her own podcast called Sister Conversations, and we're going to be plugging that throughout this whole episode. Sister Conversations. I mean, ladies, men go on there and listen to because you're going to learn something because I sure learn some things, but these women are off the hook. And I'm telling you, these conversations are real, relevant, raw, everything. I love it. I love it. Women, before we even, I know we recording, but how has that been like so far? Now, podcasting with these ladies and just. [00:02:43] Speaker A: Your subjects, it's been a blessing. It has helped me define my purpose even more. It started with the pandemic and theaters closed and jobs as we knew it full time actors was no more. And so I kind of went through a down season of just, oh, my gosh, what am I going to do? And I heard God say very clearly, well, you don't have to only use your voice to sing. [00:03:25] Speaker C: Come on. [00:03:26] Speaker A: How about you use it in this way? [00:03:29] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:03:29] Speaker A: I have your full attention in this season. So let's go back to that assignment that I gave to you some years ago. Oh, my he snatches wigs in his holiness and go back to that assignment to women that I gave you years ago that you laughed at, you rebelled at, you walked away from, because I didn't want to do it. Because I didn't want to look and sound churchy. So I didn't want to do it and I didn't do it. I did a little bit, just enough, and then walked away from it. Pandemic happened, and he said, let's go back to that. And I had no idea how to do a podcast, really didn't even know what it was. And I did some research, bought some expensive, expensive Y'all honey expensive equipment, and just started doing my research and really just kind of this is my season. As I tell people, hopefully all of the seasons should be obedience, but they're not. But this is the season that I am readily walking in obedience, and I did everything that he asked me to do. And so I just started reaching out to women and, hey, would you like to do this? And this is what I'm doing. And the ones that were no's, I'm thankful that were no's, and the ones that were yes, I am grateful because I have developed a new circle of sisters. It's a tool for women to be empowered. It's a way that I can highlight women who are doing amazing things in the community, in their craft. It may be their expertise, it may be a hobby, but women who are actually shining and just doing amazing things, whether it be career driven, whether it be family driven, health wise, just giving these women an opportunity to shine, and it has been powerful. It has been life changing. I see why God really wanted me to circle back at a time like this. And it's been really good. I'm finishing up season two and getting ready to go into season three, and I'm going to take a little hiatus because I'm really family bound right now. But to answer your question, it's been great. It's been great. I've learned so much on the technology side because I am a one woman. [00:06:42] Speaker C: Show, okay, all one woman show. [00:06:45] Speaker A: When I tell you I'm doing the editing, I'm doing the producing, I'm doing the writing, I'm doing the interviewing, I'm doing the pictures, I'm doing the graphics, and people don't know how much goes into it. It's a lot that goes into it. And so I told God, I will give him my yes. And chow. It was a lot of yes that went with the one yes. [00:07:11] Speaker C: And it's blossoming. I mean, again, I appreciate you one for your honesty. I will say this always get you somebody in your corner that's always going to be honest with you, no matter what. [00:07:27] Speaker A: That's right. [00:07:28] Speaker C: When someone loves you, they're going to be honest with you. And you laid the groundwork. I mean, as a fellow performer myself, as a fellow educator myself, you laid the groundwork and showed me, hey, I could use my voice as well for something other than performing, other than teaching, and to encourage and to break chains and to set people free, whether that sounds churchy or not, we want people to be whole. Absolutely. And so you showed me the way, and when I got the call, I was like, okay, I guess I'm going to decide to do this. And then I realized, okay, this is a really heavy topic, but it has to be talked about. And I've been blessed. This is episode nine. [00:08:20] Speaker A: Come on. [00:08:21] Speaker C: Episode nine. [00:08:22] Speaker A: Congratulations. [00:08:24] Speaker C: Thank you. This is episode nine, and we have had some great conversations, some awesome people on here and people who are willing to tell their story and share. So this being mental health awareness month. [00:08:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:41] Speaker C: I could not do this episode and do any episode in this month without you because you are the role model for me. Oh, thank you for advocacy for mental health. [00:08:57] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:08:58] Speaker C: So I thank you for that, number one. But before we jump into that here at the cookout, I always ask my guests, what's your favorite cookout food? [00:09:12] Speaker A: Baked beans. [00:09:13] Speaker C: Come on. With the bacon in it. [00:09:16] Speaker A: Listen, we're going to be gassy for five days, but we're going to sacrifice. Now we're going to be gassy. Watch out, Billy. We're going to light it up. But they got to be good. I do mine with turkey meat. My peppers. [00:09:42] Speaker C: Okay. [00:09:45] Speaker A: A little bit of syrup, little bit of brown sugar. Oh, and it's good, too. I can't know what else is in. [00:09:56] Speaker C: There, but sounds good, too. You'd be gassy. But it'd be good, though. [00:10:04] Speaker A: God, that and a hot dog. [00:10:07] Speaker C: Yeah, you do like a good hot dog. I remember that. [00:10:10] Speaker A: That ain't a hot dog. See, I can eat a hot dog anytime. But a grilled hot dog will set you free. [00:10:19] Speaker C: You like it a little burnt? [00:10:22] Speaker A: Just a little bit. We don't want no light skinned hot dogs. Uh uh. [00:10:30] Speaker C: Oh, I gotta get myself together. [00:10:32] Speaker A: I like my me black. Hold my pull up a little further. [00:10:49] Speaker C: We got to be safe. [00:10:50] Speaker A: No. Okay. [00:10:51] Speaker C: Well, there you have it. I love it. I love asking people that question because it is hilarious, because we like food. And you know what I will say, and I'm sorry, but I will say this. When I started this, I was in the midst of doing Girls of Madison Street, which Ayanna. Blake wrote, which I played the old, nasty, dirty pastor Jeremy Foster. [00:11:15] Speaker A: And let me tell you something, you were fabulous. [00:11:18] Speaker C: Thank you. Look, it was rough, but whoo, they didn't like me. [00:11:23] Speaker A: Oh, well, that means that you were doing something right. [00:11:28] Speaker C: And while I was recording episodes, I was recording episodes while we were in rehearsals and while we were getting ready to go into tech week and to do everything. And I was editing and doing all of that. And what I have found out, and it's just kind of a correlation that kind of lets you know that God does all things well was while I was embarking on because I haven't done a straight play in a long time. And so it was great to kind of stretch those legs a little bit. But to get into doing that while we're talking about mental health. We're talking about alcoholism. We're talking about infidelity. We're talking about so many different things that surround black culture. Everything centered around one character, and that was that table, and everything took place in that kitchen. And so while I'm sitting here doing a podcast called Grief at the Cookout and we're talking about the things that AIL us or the things where there's absence of joy that we don't like to talk about but we end up talking about it, I realized that the commonality was food and the commonality was how we all come together. And that community. So I thank God for the girls of Madison Street, because that was a part of the process of me even getting to this point. Like that puzzle piece, it just kind of clicks. And to see that vision board and she had a vision board. You all with everything on there. If you could not see her vision, you had to be blind, but you literally could see the vision on the vision board of how everything was supposed to line up and how it shows black family and black community and how we function. Okay, now let me get off. Let me move forward. Let me move forward. So Mental Health Month, what is mental health awareness to you? [00:13:41] Speaker A: Mental is all things of the brain that thought, that anything that is of the head of the thought process. And I believe that mental health is the same or should be looked at as the same as my eyes. My eyesight. And how the older you get, you have to go to the eye doctor, teach more, because your eyes change. You go to the dentist, and you're supposed to go, well, some of us go to the dentist. Some of us go. You're supposed to go every six months. And, you know, and you should look at your mental health as you do dermatology your skin. And so, unfortunately, we don't. And awareness is making sure that people understand, have some kind of knowledge about there is a Michelle Obama quote that I love about mental health, and I'm pulling it up. [00:15:55] Speaker C: Take your time. I hope y'all get a pencil and paper and really write this down, because we gonna delve in. Just a little deeper. Just a little deeper. [00:16:07] Speaker A: So Michelle Obama, former First Lady of the United States whether an illness affects your heart, your leg, or your brain, it's still an illness, and there should be no distinction. And I love because, of course, she's talking about mental health. And ultimately, we look at the heart, we look at the leg, we look at the brain. But we don't necessarily look at thought processes and patterns and generational behaviors as we do high blood pressure, as we do diabetes, because mental health is just as important. And as you said, I am indeed an advocate because I wanted to why did I become an advocate? I wanted to not be the spokesperson or be the Vanna White of black mental health. But I could see, when I talked about my, quote, therapists or my time with my therapist, I could feel folks get lighter. I could feel folks draw in. People started to get closer with their questions, and then folks would come back and say, you know, thank you for being so honest about that, because I was wondering about going to therapy, and I was afraid. And so hence the reason why I started just openly talking about it, making folks uncomfortable, making my family uncomfortable. There were times that I have been uncomfortable just talking about things that I've gone through and the journey that I've taken to be confident in my crazy sometimes. [00:18:47] Speaker C: But what I appreciate is even I remember, I don't know what when. Okay, so I've been a big, longtime fan of ayanna Blake. She just didn't know it until I met her when we did a Kennedy page to stage. And when I found out she was there, I said, oh, my God. I said yeah. I called my mother. I said, this lady sings, and I'm just glad to be in the room. When you talked about your therapist, first of all, it was hilarious because it sent me under the floor. But what it did was and this was what year was that? Was that 2018? [00:19:38] Speaker A: It was a long time ago because I had pink hair. [00:19:41] Speaker C: It was like 2018. And I want to say, yes, it was. It was a year that I lost my dad, and I never been to therapy. I never did none of that. I haven't had no type of experience that led me there. And although I do think we all need Jesus and a therapist, but when you have spoke about it, it made me think, maybe I need to get some help because I'm struggling in certain areas, and I'm starting to feel something. And it wasn't until months later, until I actually sought out a therapist because of grief after losing my dad. But that moment of you making a joke but talking about your therapist, which was hilarious, like you said, it did make things lighter, but it also made me comfortable, and it made me feel like, you know what, why hide the truth? Why mask the truth, knowing that there's something that I'm dealing with, I need to go, and I need to get help? [00:20:51] Speaker A: Well, and it's something about that hiding and that masking that we do so well as black people talk about it. And it's unfortunate, but I believe now all cultures have it, but I can only talk about the mask and the hiding that we wear that we have. And it's a generational thing, because, of course, what goes on in this house stays in this house, and you're not going to go out here telling our business, and let's pray about it and let's cast it out. That's a spirit that's just blue. You're just blue right now, baby. You're just going through a season of blue. [00:21:46] Speaker B: Blue. [00:21:47] Speaker A: So these are the generational things that we've heard, that we've embraced, unfortunately. But even in my research, white people did not think enough of us to even consider us as human beings. So we were not eligible for mental health evaluations because we weren't human beings. Who were we? We didn't know enough about wealth or homes or land or money. What could we possibly be stressed out about, traumatized about? So we were passed over because we weren't seen as human or human enough to have feelings. And so that's how we were conditioned to even think that we weren't good enough for mental health evaluation. And then of course, as time goes along, there's the Jesus thing. Oh, we gonna pray that thing out. Oh, we gonna bind that thing out, we gonna cast it out. And so there are generations of black folks that are dealing with trauma and dealing with hardship and post traumatic stress and hard times, poverty and just whatever we've had to deal with through the years, down through the years. Whatever we've had to deal with, we've had to muzzle it, we've had to ignore it, we've had to pretend that we've denied it. And so here we are where we got our bins and we got our 501, and we have all of the things that seem to look like our white counterparts and oh, they're talking about this psychologist. Let's see about that. And so here we are, 2022, and everybody hopefully has an opportunity to use that good insurance, Medicare or something. And here we are hearing more about it years later and folks are giving. [00:24:44] Speaker C: It a try, a try, a try. [00:24:47] Speaker A: Giving it a try. But Mary Beth has been going since she was four. [00:24:57] Speaker C: I'm not going to do this with you. I'm not going to do this with you. But it's the truth. [00:25:05] Speaker A: Peter has been going since he was twelve because he has a little anxiety when he hears fire trucks. And here we are in our thirty s and forty s and twenty s and we're like, what? Our therapist? What's that? I ain't crazy. Girl, if you don't march your tail up in there with that insurance card and sit on that chair and talk to that woman about what's going on with you. [00:25:41] Speaker C: Listen, and the crazy thing is, even though jobs now are offering therapists free sessions, you get like ten sessions, seven sessions, everyone's job is different. But I mean you can go and get you some real good amount of knowledge and a whole bunch of what's the word? I can't think of the word not tactics, but strategies to deal with depression, anxiety, all those things in that mental health world, and even behavioral. [00:26:21] Speaker A: Well, here's the thing, you don't have to necessarily go when everything is wrong. [00:26:28] Speaker C: That's the word right there, you know what I mean? [00:26:32] Speaker A: I mean, everything isn't suicide and suicide and I need to just go because I'm suicidal? No. I have these thoughts and I probably should go and find out where that's coming from or I like to eat and I can't keep casting it out because it's not a demon. I'm always hungry and I need to figure this out. Like, why am I always hungry? What is happening? And sometimes it may be nutrition route and it may be mentally stimulated by something stress. [00:27:13] Speaker C: Somebody. [00:27:14] Speaker A: Yes, you don't always have to some people, they just make it sound like it's so deeper than it really is. And once you think about it, it's not that deep to go and just sit and talk to somebody about how you are. Just go and get a checkup. How am I doing? I just want to know, am I okay? Mentally, things are going pretty good and I feel blessed. But the other day I had a thought and I just wasn't feeling kind of like that was weird. So I'm thinking maybe I should come and talk about it. It could be as simple as that. Child. They going to listen because they want that Copay. [00:27:56] Speaker C: They want the copay. But then you also find out that even in your going of deciding to go off of that one little thought that you're digging up childhood trauma. You're digging up all these different things that are playing a huge effect on your life, on your decision making, on your responses, how you treat people, how you act, how you dress, how you think, your perception, your conception, your perspective. [00:28:26] Speaker A: And if you think that you're going to therapy to leave out and point a finger at somebody else, come on. Therapist know that the reason why you're going. And when you go, oh, it's a whole mirror experience and ain't nobody in the mirror but you and know that when you leave, it makes you better. I started going because first of all, I should have gone when I was a kid because now as an adult, as a parent, as an educator, as an advocate, a lot of that stuff, we as black folks were calling it something else. And I was dealing with anxiety as a child. Important things would come up and I would all of a sudden suddenly get a stomach virus and my stomach is feeling sick. No, that's anxiety. I was having anxiety. Something big is coming, and I'm so excited that I'm feeling nauseous, I'm vomiting. What's happening? That's anxiety and it manifested in a way that made my stomach queasy. You know what I mean? So should have went when I was a child, as an actor, I started getting these well before that, as an actor, I started getting these roles that were very dark. And one of my colleagues at Howard said to me, I think you need to find a way to put her to bed at night. So clearly if he was telling me that I was showing up looking crazy at work. Had to be somehow that thing was pouring out of me. And this was I can't remember. I think this was Caroline or Chain. [00:30:54] Speaker B: God, you were so. [00:30:59] Speaker C: Oh, and you know what? It's crazy when you said that that's the role that came right. Because I thought about Blue speak. Woman but that Caroline. [00:31:14] Speaker A: And then from that lady day yeah. And then to play you know, this was at a time my husband and I were separated and they gave me the script, and I had to dissect Billie Holiday and her mannerisms and her gestures, her habits, her story, why she did what she know. And I started seeing some similarities, and I was like, okay, wait a minute. This is kind of spooky. All these years I've been thinking that this woman is just a drunk because she don't have nothing else to do with her time. No, Billie Holiday wanted love, and she was looking for love. That was her goal. That was her objective. And so did ayanna blake. And so when those parallels started happening and I found out about Instacart, I wouldn't leave the apartment for a while because I was so connected to her. And I had to find a way to detach myself from her because I was so in it. And then I had to watch videos of people having heroin. Heroin? How do you say it? [00:32:58] Speaker C: Heroin. [00:32:59] Speaker A: That the addicts. I had to watch and watch videos on how to do the needles. And we as actors, we got to do the research. And I was doing the research and how she holds her arm and why does she hold her arm that way? Because of her shooting up. And then she's addicted to alcohol and the men and all of that stuff. And the more I dug her up, the more I was digging myself up. And so, okay, I got to find a way to get this stuff off me because I cannot go to bed with her every night. So I got to start seeing somebody because this is too heavy for me. And in my digging, things that I had forgot about allowed to lay dormant. They were coming out of the closet. They were coming up out of the grave. And that's when I remembered molestation. That's where I remembered who it was. That's when I remembered why I was having such a hard time with men and why I didn't trust. And thank God for Billie Holiday because it was her that helped me see that I got to deal with a lot of things within me. Why don't I trust? And, baby, it was a dark time for her, and it was a dark time for me. But in the end, she and I were one, and it was a beautiful marriage. And I learned so much about myself through her because of her bravery and her bravery made me feel like, you know what, these things are okay. Dysfunction is okay. I can fix this. I can change this around. I don't have to feel shame about this. And then at the bottom, I began to really build myself up and my therapist helped me do that. [00:35:40] Speaker C: Now, is that what gave you carriage? Not carriage, but courage. [00:35:47] Speaker A: Come on, carriage. [00:35:49] Speaker C: Is that what gave you courage to release diagnosed? Because I know that was a time in the making and Diagnosed Folks is a play, a one woman show that ayanna Blake did, which was mind blowing. And as we're sitting here talking about all these different topics and as she shared, all of that was in that one play. [00:36:16] Speaker A: Yeah, hopefully to be seen very soon. [00:36:19] Speaker C: And in that play, you talk about family traditions, you talk about church roots, you talk about mental health. The setting is in a hospital and you talk about all these different every monologue has something you go everywhere came. [00:36:44] Speaker A: Out of that season that came out of that season. And so I think that we have to be honest with ourselves, whether it's in public or whether it's in private. And I think that that's a problem that we have. That's not a black thing. That's a humane thing. [00:37:10] Speaker C: Humanity. [00:37:11] Speaker A: Yeah, we're not honest with ourselves. And I think once we're honest with ourselves, that's when we can really begin to walk in the freedom that we desire. Because a lot of us are walking around saying that we're free and we're not still bound. Still bound. And that's not that churchy, I'm going to praise God for 2 hours freedom. No, I'm talking about that kind of freedom that you go to bed and you lay your head on the pillow and you're free to go to sleep without demons haunting you all night. That kind of freedom. The kind of freedom that when you wake up, you wake up knowing that yesterday is gone and here's a new day and I'm going to give it all I got. That kind of freedom. That kind of freedom if I die today or tomorrow, I gave it my all. [00:38:05] Speaker C: You live. [00:38:06] Speaker A: And so that comes from honesty. That comes from a sincere, vulnerable place. And that's why I love Brene Brown so much because she talks about that vulnerable place and how we as society, we kind of gain muscle from shaming people in their most vulnerable places. And she has a whole special on Netflix. She's one of my favorite voices out there and she just talks about being I think, you know, as people are discovering more and more that they're dealing with mental health issues, they're in a vulnerable place and they have to find a safe space to make those discoveries. And truth of the matter is, we're all dealing with some kind of mental health challenge. Whether you like it or not. Whether it's big, small, a mustard seed size, whether it's a tree size. We all have had or are going to have some kind of it's impossible to go through a pandemic and not experience something. [00:39:22] Speaker C: Listen. [00:39:24] Speaker A: You hear? [00:39:25] Speaker C: Listen. [00:39:26] Speaker A: Yeah, it's impossible. [00:39:31] Speaker C: There was a time, and it had to been like, I don't know if it was like March, April, and I had my year stacked with my shows and the tours and everything. And it all sat on me about six weeks after being in the house that I lost everything. And I felt like my whole heart was just ripped out of my chest. And it was like, I mean, I still have my job. Thank God I didn't leave my job. But my outlet where I create is gone. Like, what can I do? And I wasn't big on social media then. I wasn't doing a whole lot of stuff. This was what I did. But I realized everything was just gone. And I went through these bouts where I was just crying and crying and crying. And there was that dag on Richard Smallwood. That song. Trust me. [00:40:30] Speaker A: Came on. Yeah. [00:40:32] Speaker C: And when it came on, it literally broke me in half. [00:40:37] Speaker A: Well, here's the thing. Your subject matter is grief. And truth of the matter is, we may not have lost people per se, but the pandemic brought us all a season of grief. [00:40:57] Speaker C: Yes. [00:40:58] Speaker A: In some form, we all lost something. And in that lost, there comes trauma. There comes some kind of discomfort, emotional detachment. [00:41:19] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:41:23] Speaker A: And hell, somebody can cough on you and will send you into an anxiety attack that make you want to go swipe that card for $20. Because listen, let somebody cough on you and you won't feel like you didn't had a nervous breakdown. [00:41:40] Speaker C: Listen. [00:41:43] Speaker A: After that pandemic, stay away. What, you want to clear out an owl at the supermarket cough. [00:41:55] Speaker C: Everybody go like this. I heard a cough today. We was at work. Somebody coughed in the hallway. Everybody said, oh, that. [00:42:08] Speaker A: And if you didn't have on a mask, you didn't pull it back up again. You was like, the mother didn't pulled out the Lysol, then started wiping down everything off a cough. And it could have just been allergies. [00:42:25] Speaker C: But I love what you're saying because what you're saying is and what I realized was in that moment when I called, it was my broken. I just was just broke because I was just like, God, why I finally got to this pinnacle and then it's just gone. Like, how do you take you stacked me up and then you just pulled the whole rug from up under me. And now it's like everything is gone. But I had to realize that I had to allow myself to feel. And although I was still doing my therapy and it was almost as if like, I'm going to be honest, when the pandemic came, I was like, well, I ain't going to be around about it. So I'll see therapists in. A few weeks. I'll just catch up on some rest and all of this. But as I was catching up on rest, things started to fester. Thoughts started to fester. And then I had to realize the strategy that I had learned in my session in one of my sessions was to allow myself to feel, because that's something that I don't do. Because I will go and go and go and go and go and then when it's all over, when there's nothing else to do and I'm left to my mind my own devices. I'm going through turmoil. It is a battlefield of the mind. And the battlefield of the mind from someone, and this is coming from someone who thinks all the time like I'm thinking and it is anxiety. Like I'm thinking, do they like me? Do they not like me? Well, I don't care. Do you really care? No, I really don't care. These are the thoughts, the questions that are just going through my mind like, no. Well, it doesn't matter. You got to do what this? You need to get this done. No, you need to prioritize this. You need to put this in. And then it's like, I need to turn this off and throw away the key. And I had to learn how to relax. But to allow myself feel this hurt, to feel this disappointment of this pandemic took what could have been chances for me. But I also had to realize there's something greater for me to do. But that doesn't mean that I'm crazy because I'm allowing myself to feel. It doesn't mean that I've gone off the deep end because I'm allowing myself to feel. And I really had to realize, I had to get into a clear mental health space which had pushed me forward to mend things in places that I decided I didn't want to do. God snatched that edge to, okay, now it's time to it's family time. And because you're in that headspace, I know you understand that I got into a place where I need to spend time with family. I need to spend time recultivating and getting these relationships back to where they should be. Because in between and betwixt when you're running around and grinding all the time, you lose all of that. [00:45:36] Speaker A: Well, then a part of your talks and your healing and your working through self, once you start dealing with self, it should motivate you, push you, encourage you to fix and to heal those areas that are around you that deserve to be healed. Everything doesn't deserve to be healed. But the ones that do deserve to be healed, once you have done your work, you will see that those relationships around you, whether it's your spouse, whether it's your partner, whether it's your children, longtime friends, you have no choice but to start going back and saying, you know what? I didn't do that right. And you start seeking, how did I get there? There was something in me that did that incorrectly, whether I was the doer or the receiver. Hence the reason why my husband and I are reconciled in the pandemic. Because, of course, it's that time that I believe we all should have taken advantage of, I hope we did, of that time of, just as you said, sitting. And in that sitting, what did you gather in that sitting and that alone time? You know what I mean? Everybody had it. So whether you gained 50 pounds in the sitting time, whether you lost 50 pounds in the sitting time, that mental part of us should have had some kind of unction in us to want to get better. [00:47:39] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:47:39] Speaker A: And that's one thing that I really rejoice in because I had that opportunity in the stillness to really figure out what I was doing mentally because I could no longer rely on the arts. I could not rely on church, I could not rely on people. You are at home, dear. [00:48:10] Speaker C: Everything was locked up. [00:48:11] Speaker A: Everything that every outlet, every way that you made your money, everything was on hold. And so prayerfully people will see in this season that mental health is very important. Yeah, because you can reverse a lot of things. But some things that are happening to us in this mental place in this season, I mean, suicides are up in our community and it's a really scary thing. But hopefully we are taking advantage of the opportunities to go and talk to somebody because number one, you can't do it by yourself. Whether you choose the Jesus route or whether you choose the therapist route, you can't do it on your hopefully, you know, folks know that it's going to require a little bit of it both. So I'm praying that folks that are listening will take advantage of that because you're going to need a little bit of Jesus and you're going to need a little bit of that scientific method, if you will, strategy which may require appeal. [00:49:37] Speaker C: Come on, let's talk about it. [00:49:39] Speaker A: Because it may be more than a manicure that's going to save your soul in that area. It might be more than a petty CIS because sometimes we think we're going to go have a manicure and the depression is going to go away. Now, self care is not always manny and petty. Sometimes you got to go in face to face it whether it's with the Lord or whether it's with Dr. So and so. [00:50:06] Speaker C: And there's nothing wrong with the girl. [00:50:07] Speaker A: Behind the table, right? [00:50:09] Speaker C: And there's nothing wrong with never. And this is a question that I've asked on previous episodes, and I just don't understand why it's just so taboo with us. [00:50:25] Speaker A: Well, I told you. I mean, we were not worthy enough to even think that we qualified. And then after that, we're pushing it down, pushing it aside for so long. And so we're conditioned that way, constantly. [00:50:43] Speaker C: Going that's the condition to hold on to it, to not let it go, and then until it just blows up in your face. And then you realize, oh, crap, I got something going on and I really need to fix it. And I mean, there's people that realize that there's something that's going on, but then they just don't want to seek the help. [00:51:05] Speaker A: Well, and not only that, we don't educate ourselves enough. [00:51:08] Speaker C: That's true. Talk about that. [00:51:11] Speaker A: We don't educate ourselves enough. So now we know that it's not the word crazy that we like to use. Oh, she's just crazy. No, something's going on. We have a name for that in 2022. It's not that I'm just down. No, we have a name for that. And thank God for Google. But Dr. Google is not the one that's going to really diagnose you properly. You need to go and get that thing talked about, looked at, discussed, because who wants to walk around and just be totally ignorant about it? You know what I mean? You've been in the bed three weeks now and you calling it a headache. Something ain't right about that, SIS. That's not normal. That's not normal. The fact that you don't want to get in the shower and usually you like to get your hair done in this, quote, season, I'm just so tired all the time and I'm just no, SIS, you're depressed. You're depressed, and you need to go and talk to somebody about that. You are impulsive. I just got to eat, I just got to shop. But you've been impulsive since you were twelve. Where did that come from? And some of it is taboo and some of it is us just ignoring the signs, not wanting to deal with what we see, our own pattern. And it goes back to that. Honesty, like, come on, let's call the thing a thing. Yeah, you're not crazy. You have bipolar disorder. You're dealing with depression. [00:53:23] Speaker C: You're dealing with social anxiety. Look, I suffer heavily from social anxiety. I do not like people. It's too much. But we got to be honest about those things. [00:53:35] Speaker A: That's it. [00:53:36] Speaker C: And there's nothing wrong with doing that. [00:53:38] Speaker A: And here's the thing. Honesty requires a safe space. Safe space is not everywhere. So that doesn't mean that everybody doesn't feel comfortable being on a podcast, telling everybody that they're on meds and they go see a therapist. Everybody's not there. And I get that a part of me and my walk. I feel in this season that if I have to be that person to say, oh my God, did you hear about her? Yeah, but it also got you to think about your next appointment. [00:54:17] Speaker C: Come on. [00:54:18] Speaker A: Or making an appointment or making that next appointment. And that's the goal if that is what I have to endure, to get a whole generation of people to start thinking about this thing that we never talk about, we never want to talk about, we never want to label it, then I'll do that. I'm okay with it. If I have to write 100 plays on how we as black people just don't want to deal with truth and don't want to deal with generational curses and don't want to deal with Uncle Stanley, who's the molester, then I'll write them. And they're very thank you. Somebody has to stir the pot. [00:55:06] Speaker C: Yeah. As I said it before, what you have created, what you have done has and meeting you, and I will say this too, when I met you, the year 2018, ayana has this album. You all that I love. She hate when I talk about it, but let me tell you something. That album, I listened to that album on my way to work, leaving at five something in the morning to be to work at 645 in the morning. I listened to that, and I remember distinctively listening to that album for a month. I know every song and every word, every ad lib, every run, every background vocal, because that was something that pushed me through. And I told you that that was something like that got my mind through what I was dealing with before me even deciding that, hey, I do need to go to therapy. I do need to see somebody. And it kind of just got me pumped up, and it got me premped. And so when the shuffle is on in the car and it comes on, I'm just like they go, my song right there. That's what I'm saying. Your presence, and I don't even think that you noticed that, but your presence, it does radiate so much. It radiates acceptance, but it also wants someone to get better. And that is your goal. That has always been that's been a part of your mission, from diagnosed to people. It made people think, when I leave here, because in every scene, somebody saw. [00:57:04] Speaker B: A piece of them. [00:57:05] Speaker C: Somebody saw something that they connected with. And when they left, I watched the people leaving, eyes watery, people contemplating it's quiet. People are like, I do need to seek some help. I need to seek this. And like you said, the suicide rate is up. [00:57:25] Speaker A: It's high, man. [00:57:26] Speaker C: It's so high. And it's blowing my mind that it's just that our people are just going through this constantly. And like you said, because we've been conditioned to not want to seek help, because we felt that we were not good enough. [00:57:46] Speaker A: I mean, first let me say thank you. I am just doing what I'm supposed to do right now, and there is no big deep answer to why I'm doing what I'm doing right now. I'm just doing what I'm called to do. Well, you know, I mean, God made it very plain to me. In this season, your obedience is tied to your children. Baby, I started packing up them boxes so quick. [00:58:34] Speaker C: You was like a Honey Boo Boo. Got to go, got to go. [00:58:40] Speaker A: And that is how I've been looking at everything, because I want my kids to experience the favor of God in a different way that I have ever experienced. And so if in my obedience gives them longevity, gives them wisdom, gives them resources far beyond their grasp, then that's what I'm doing this for. I'm doing this because I know that there are women and men out there who are not bold enough to say the things that somehow my mouth just will say. I want people to be free because I've seen what bound feels like and what it looks like, and I don't wish that on my worst I don't wish it on my worst enemy. And so if what I am doing gives people an opportunity to experience freedom, whether it's in their mind, whether it's in their spirit or soul, then so be it. I mean, we're not getting any younger. DiCarlo no. So if Jesus come back tomorrow, I want him to look at me and say, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. There were some years that there were many years that I was very hellish. This man gave me his ada kiss today, and I just looked at him and smiled. [01:00:33] Speaker C: You've been doing real good. [01:00:35] Speaker A: I just smile because my flesh had about four syllables to say to him, about maybe six. That's that good. Cuss out. When you're putting stuff together, compound words, hyphens, exclamation. Exclamation. And those are moments now that I'm looking saying, okay, God, thank you. Yeah, thank you. Because I want to be different. I want to be new, because I know in this new season that I'm going into, I'm definitely not perfect and don't want to be. How about that? [01:01:31] Speaker C: Come on. [01:01:32] Speaker A: Because I like to cuss every now and then, and I cuss good. I don't do too bad when I get going. [01:01:42] Speaker C: Yeah, it's real. It's a good one too. I'm like, My God, that was a good myriad of words you put right there. [01:01:57] Speaker A: I should not be glorified. Lord, forgive me. [01:02:01] Speaker C: We got to keep it real. [01:02:03] Speaker A: But listen, and saying that to say I don't want him to hold back nothing he got with my name on it. [01:02:10] Speaker C: That's right. [01:02:11] Speaker A: Nothing. And here we are. My kids are growing up, and I'm ready to experience this new level of who I am without being somebody's. Quote, Mommy. I'm always be a mom, but a mommy. I'm just like, okay, Lord, so what next? We can maybe be empty nesters. DiCarlo. [01:02:38] Speaker C: Oh, my. About to travel. Yeah, you about to travel. [01:02:44] Speaker A: Listen in the name. [01:02:46] Speaker C: You about to travel. [01:02:48] Speaker A: We're getting ready to do some exploring, and God is getting ready to do some enlarging. And I know it. I can feel it. And so in that I want to be ready, whatever that looks like. And I know that it has a lot to do with shedding light on mental health in the black community. And so I'm okay with it because I know that it promotes change and it promotes healing. [01:03:23] Speaker B: Family it is never too late to seek professional help. If you or someone you know are dealing with mental health issues or substance abuse, please call the national helpline at 1806 six two he LP or 4357 confidential free 24 hours a day, 365 days a week. We also dedicate this episode to the families of the victims of the Buffalo shooting. We speak their name. Roberta Drury. Margus D Morrison. Andre McNeil. Aaron Salter. Geraldine Talley. Celestine Cheney. Hayward Patterson. Catherine Massey pearl Young and Ruth Whitfield. We speak your name. We say your name. This is Grief at the cookout. You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.