Mama I Love You with James and Braxx Toler - Mother's Day Special

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories. Passion. Alone. [00:00:02] Speaker B: Mourn. [00:00:03] Speaker A: Guilt. [00:00:03] Speaker C: Loneliness. [00:00:04] Speaker B: Regret. [00:00:05] Speaker D: Peace. [00:00:06] Speaker A: Relationships. [00:00:07] Speaker D: Unfamiliar. [00:00:08] Speaker A: If you put God first, you'll never be last. [00:00:11] Speaker C: This is Grief at the Cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. Hello, family. Welcome to grief at the cookout. And for a very special episode honoring the mother. So first and foremost, happy Mother's Day. Dr. Maya Angelou stated, and I quote, to describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in all its perfect power. And I believe that that stands true to this very day. In this episode, I am joined by two amazing gentlemen who pays an amazing tribute to their mother, james and Brax Toller. Both James and Brax are natives of Washington, DC. And professionals in their own right. James, also a colleague of mine, is a professional actor, worship leader, and currently serves as a learning and organizational effectiveness consultant at Kaiser Permanente. Brax is a well known and sought after DJ for over 30 years, an avid traveler, certified scuba diver, skier, and in house producer for So So Deaf in the early 2000s. Come on in. [00:01:41] Speaker D: Join us. [00:01:42] Speaker C: Get you something to drink. As these two brothers share their joy, pain, process, and laughter through stories as they celebrate the amazing life of their queen, Mrs. Laverne Arnetta martin Toller. [00:02:03] Speaker D: James and Braxton, welcome to the cookout, gentlemen. [00:02:07] Speaker B: Thank you so much. Thank you. [00:02:09] Speaker A: Glad to be here. [00:02:10] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:02:10] Speaker D: I'm glad you all are here. Welcome. This is great, you all. This is our Mother's Day episode, and we are in for a treat. We have two gentlemen here who happen to be brothers, blood brothers at that. [00:02:25] Speaker B: And so I'm just glad we're happy and we're singing and we're colored. Come on, James. [00:02:38] Speaker D: Oh, my goodness. So, gentlemen, in real, true Grief at the Cookout fashion, the question I always ask my guests are, what is your favorite cookout food? [00:02:52] Speaker A: Ambrosia salad. No, I'm just kidding. [00:02:55] Speaker B: Don't you play with me anytime. You put mayonnaise in the salad. [00:03:02] Speaker A: No, I'm just kidding. My favorite cookout food would probably be my mother's salmon on the grill. [00:03:11] Speaker D: Now, that's new because I remember no salmon growing up at the cookout. [00:03:16] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. With Reynolds wrap bag, she would do, like, onions and a marinade, and it'd be on that grill all day. [00:03:26] Speaker D: Y'all had a bougie cookout? [00:03:30] Speaker B: I don't even want to answer after that now. It's like, all right. [00:03:33] Speaker D: Oh, no. Come on, Brax. [00:03:35] Speaker B: Come on, bring it. Yeah, because if we're talking, like, traditionally, it's the baked beans, the vegetarian baked beans. But now how much time do we have? Because you got time, sir. Okay, because I can go off on tangents. I can go off on tangent right now. It's veggie burgers. So I've been a sort of vegetarian pescatarian for the past, like, 20 years. So now it's veggie burgers, but pun intended. I got a beef, though. I got a beef. Because what happens is you have all of these non vegetarians coming in and like, oh, I want to try a veggie burger. But you know, there's only like one pack of morningstar there. There's only one pack, right? And they're eating up all our food and we can't eat their food. So I don't know, bro, I may switch up to vegan pork pig feet or something like that. You know what I'm saying? If they even have such a thing. [00:04:41] Speaker D: I don't do nobody's pig's feet. Y'all can keep that. [00:04:43] Speaker B: Nah. Vegan pig feet. [00:04:45] Speaker D: They have that. [00:04:46] Speaker B: Nah, man, I'm just making. [00:04:51] Speaker D: Oh my goodness. [00:04:52] Speaker A: Okay. I told you, Carla, based off of. [00:04:55] Speaker D: Those answers, I don't even know what's. [00:04:57] Speaker B: Getting ready to happen. So you all just put the seatbelt we just chopping it up. That's all. We just chopping it up. [00:05:04] Speaker D: Oh, I love it. That's good. Now that's new. But the salmon, though, yeah, that's new. We bougie. I guess I'm going to just do crab legs at my next one. So you know how we did oh. [00:05:18] Speaker B: You didn't even mention that. Okay. You bougie too. Crab legs. Come on, bro. [00:05:23] Speaker D: Crab legs. Shrimp I mean, crab cakes. [00:05:26] Speaker B: Did you say shrimp? With a C? Like scrimp? Scrimp. Okay. All right. That's what I thought you said. All right, that part. [00:05:34] Speaker D: I ain't going to do this with you today, Bret. [00:05:37] Speaker B: That part scrimp. Okay. [00:05:39] Speaker D: James, I thought you was a mess. Your brother's a mess. [00:05:44] Speaker A: I told you. Oh my goodness. [00:05:47] Speaker D: This is funny. I love it. So, gentlemen, as I said before, this is our Mother's Day episode with Mother's Day coming upon us. [00:05:58] Speaker B: So happy Mother's Day. Yeah, happy all the all the mothers out there listening. [00:06:02] Speaker A: Happy Mother's Day. [00:06:03] Speaker D: Mother's Day. All the fake out mothers, the aunties, grandma, you got a godson, a goddaughter. Godchild, all of that. Happy Mother's Day. I appreciate that. Thank you, brax. [00:06:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:17] Speaker D: See, I'm have to hire you to come on every time. [00:06:19] Speaker B: All right, come on, we'll chop it up. [00:06:23] Speaker D: But yeah, this is Grief at the cookout. And because I am friends with James, james is also a colleague of mine. I'm meeting Braxton, his brother, through James. [00:06:35] Speaker B: Just call me Braxton. [00:06:37] Speaker D: Braxt. [00:06:38] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:38] Speaker D: Okay, we're going to do that. [00:06:39] Speaker B: It rolls off the tongue, brax and. [00:06:44] Speaker D: James, I had saw last year that James had lost his mom. And I do recall many texts that James and I had had concerning his mom and lifting her up in prayer, et cetera, et cetera. And I had learned of her transition. I actually learned of it through Crystal when we were at the theater. And I was at a loss for words because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to move. I didn't know anything. And I guess that's because, folks, I lost my dad, as you all know. But I don't know how it feels to lose a mom. And just losing a parent in general just does something to a person. It makes your whole outlook different. You see things differently. And so hearing that he lost his mom, it kind of just reenacted me feeling and having those feelings of losing my gentlemen, we going with the flow here. Just talk to me a bit about mom, and let's just go into the story. [00:08:03] Speaker A: You know what's interesting, DiCarlo. I was just thinking, I was like, wow, when you met my mom, it was literally months before she started feeling something. So you met her probably at the end of 2019. So we weren't in the pandemic yet. And right after you met her. I always like to start this story off with my mom, and it's one of her kind of last stories. Like, they always say, your ladder will be your grader. Well, my mom's ladder was her grader. Probably a week or two after you met her, we took which, now that I think about it, kind of gives me chills that this was our last well, it was our first all encompassing family vacation. And braxton, I don't know how many. [00:08:59] Speaker B: Years, probably 25, except for that one guy. He don't like to fly. [00:09:04] Speaker A: Yeah, my brother in law. It was the only one who didn't come. [00:09:09] Speaker B: But we love him, though. [00:09:11] Speaker A: We do. When The Bodyguard closed, which DeCarlo and I were in together, the show, we took a family trip to Rica. And so it was that Thanksgiving bodyguard closed, beginning of we a couple weeks later, we were in Costa Rica. I said, to know my mom is to know because my mom has a November birthday, which is kind of significant. When we get into this a little bit more, we'll talk about how significant that played in her transition. But my mom had just turned what, braxton? 72,019. Yeah, 72 years young. And I stress the years young because we get to Costa Rica, and mom wants to live her best life. And when I say live her best life, this 72 year old woman, and. [00:10:09] Speaker D: She doesn't look like that. Okay, the epitome of black don't crack, because I didn't even know your mother was that old. That young. I'm sorry. She didn't look like she was 72. Go ahead, ma'am. [00:10:23] Speaker A: The 17 year old woman. [00:10:25] Speaker B: 17. 72. [00:10:27] Speaker A: 72 year old woman. [00:10:29] Speaker B: All right. [00:10:31] Speaker A: Took in one of her excursions, took a horse ride on the side of a volcano, and then zip, lined down the volcano at 72 years young. And I don't know many people that are 20 years younger than her, 30 years younger than her that would do that. [00:10:56] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, we're talking crossing over, like, 200 foot gorges and waterfalls. It wouldn't have been me. There was some height on that thing. There was some height on that thing. And she did it fearlessly. And even before then, like, getting ready, she wanted to kind of get in shape for that. And so I had been kind of training my mom and my dad in the little gym gym that we had, and I literally had my mom well, my dad, he tried to do it, but I had my mom doing burpees at over 70. She was literally doing, like, ten burpees every session. So just to give you a testimony to what type of woman she was in her latter years, so she did not stop. She did not let anything stop her. She lived life all the way to the end. So that was her. But then you asked what type of woman was she? Or tell me a little bit about your mom. I mean, she has so much history. There were so many titles that she held besides mother, sister, daughter, protester. I can't say felon. She was locked up. She was locked up, but she was locked up. [00:12:21] Speaker D: I won't say I'm sure. [00:12:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:25] Speaker A: Good Trouble. [00:12:26] Speaker B: Good trouble. Good trouble. Entrepreneur. Teacher, influencer, fashionista. Just so many titles that she held. There's so many stories. She's not here to hit me now, but trafficker. I can also put that one on there, too. [00:12:50] Speaker D: Well, look, you got to do I. [00:12:53] Speaker B: Have to break that one down? [00:12:54] Speaker A: That one. [00:12:55] Speaker B: Yeah. But yeah, she did it all, though. [00:13:01] Speaker D: That's amazing. It's great to I think one of the things that I'm most impressed about with you both is the testament of your mother and looking at such of the wonderful memories that you have and being able to talk about this within the time span of when she transitioned, if that makes sense, because speaking for myself, I probably couldn't do that. I'll probably be like, Come talk to me in about two years, and then we can kind of see where I am. But just to hear you all laugh and talk about your mom and just to hear such of the joy, it kind of makes you wonder, where did the grief happen? Did it happen earlier on hearing upon her diagnosis? And James, I don't want to tell too much, but that's something that I would love to hear you talk about, or did it happen after her transition? [00:14:13] Speaker B: In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, I'm not a professional when it comes to grief, but I thought about this before I came on this show, and I was thinking there are really two types of losses, so to speak, or two categories when it comes to the timeline of the loss. There's the loss that you know that's coming, and you have time to prepare, and then there's the sudden loss. That one. In my opinion, the sudden loss represents a more tragic narrative that the regrets start playing through your head, like what was not said, what was not done. We were lucky enough to be on the other side, where we were given a timeline so we knew what was coming and approximately when it was coming. It's always too soon. [00:15:18] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:15:19] Speaker B: But with that and it kind of lends into what you said, when did the grief begin? The grief kind of began with the I would say, in my point of view, she had the diagnosis, and it was cancer. It was stage four, and they put her on some what was it called? Immunotherapy drugs, basically, stuff that had just come off. [00:15:50] Speaker A: State of the art. [00:15:51] Speaker B: Yeah. FDA approval no more than a couple of years ago. And I think to loop back to your question, the grief started when that it was after maybe a three month period that the first test came back and they weren't showing that much progress. So for me, it was kind of setting in. I was like, okay, I know there's other options, such as chemo, and I've seen what that does to people firsthand, because my mom lost one of her best friends a couple of years prior, and she was going through chemo. So when the grief kind of kicked in, and it's like, all right. I think it was like early spring last year, and my sister said, all right, let's see if we can plan one more trip for the summer. Kind of knowing in our minds that this may be it, this may be the time for my mom to transition. So, like I said, we were lucky to be on that other option of the timeline where we kind of knew. So we were able to process through that with the time that we had. [00:17:00] Speaker A: Yeah, even though it definitely did take her very fast, because what braxton she got the diagnosis, say April. [00:17:09] Speaker B: March. [00:17:09] Speaker A: March or April around my birthday. Yeah, march of 2021. And we lost her November 15 of 2021. The cancer took her very quickly. As far as my estimation goes, I know there are people that live with cancer, survive with cancer for many years, but yeah. So I would agree with my brother in saying that. Yeah, definitely. In the beginning, the initial diagnosis, even after the diagnosis of the spindle cell cancer, which is a rare form of cancer that she couldn't have prevented from getting, I think we all kind of I mean, because there's three of us. There's my brother and I and our sister and my dad, we all kind of were figuring it out individually. As far as our grief goes, all of our grief was extremely different. [00:18:21] Speaker D: Yeah, well, that's true. So that's nothing that's unheard of as people do. Grieve I know we're talking about you both, but how is dad doing? [00:18:37] Speaker B: How is he doing or how did he do? Well, both. [00:18:44] Speaker D: That's a good two fold. [00:18:46] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. [00:18:50] Speaker B: I don't know if there's much difference by how did he do and how is he doing, because it just reverts back to and I thank you for having this, because what you're doing is addressing something that has been taboo or not freely allowed in the black community. As far as, like, black males, too, my dad comes from that social construct where it's not allowed, or you keep the stone face while you grieve or you laugh, you joke, you deflect. So for the most part, yeah, that was him. He had a lot of statements. I remember when he came back because he was out of he was running some errands when I was with my mom when she passed and he came back, and it was like his first comment. He's like, hey, you fought a good fight. [00:19:52] Speaker A: He fought a good fight. [00:19:55] Speaker B: He kind of just was, like, just kind of flat. He would joke. He would tell jokes about it, but none of the I'm sad, I'm hurt. [00:20:10] Speaker A: No breaking down, no crying. [00:20:12] Speaker B: Yeah, no. [00:20:13] Speaker A: Have you seen him cry, Braxton? I haven't seen him. [00:20:16] Speaker B: Yeah, but now that he's in the house by himself, I don't know what happens in his private moments. I hope he's able to process. I hope he's able to allow himself to freely process. So like I said, again, thank you for having this forum for where we address this. [00:20:37] Speaker A: It was very interesting that when my mom was still with us, I remember a conversation when all of us were together, and I forgot who asked my dad. That when my mom transitioned. What did he want to do? Did he want to stay in the house? Did he want to go live with one of us? And my dad didn't even really miss a beat. He's like, no, I don't think I want to stay here. And that's where he's transitioning to. He's going to move in with my sister and her family shortly. So I don't know. I don't know why that touched my heart, but it really did because it showed a sign of vulnerability. [00:21:24] Speaker B: It did. [00:21:25] Speaker A: That he didn't have to be strong at that moment to say, no, I don't want to stay by myself, and. [00:21:32] Speaker B: That'S all you're going to get from him. Son of a coal miner, tough his nails. [00:21:41] Speaker D: But just to hear that from your father and to hear that from a father figure and knowing how taboo death is and grief is that we don't talk about, like you said in our community, is very interesting that he made that decision. And it makes me wonder, upon hearing the diagnosis for himself, how did he process his own thoughts leading up to Mom's transition? It's interesting to hear that. Now, Brax, you said something that I have to address, and then I'm going to go back because I have a couple of questions. You said that you were there when mom transitioned. [00:22:28] Speaker B: Yes. [00:22:29] Speaker D: Were you by yourself? [00:22:30] Speaker A: I was, too. I was there, too. [00:22:34] Speaker B: Okay. [00:22:34] Speaker A: Can't forget the middle child. Okay, but me, look, right. I was in a meeting in the living room. Braxton was actually in the room. He was the only person there with my mother when she. [00:22:54] Speaker B: Were we were both at my parents house. My dad, as I mentioned before, he was out running errands. James had been in the room in her bedroom with me, and we were kind of just working from there. We were working from our parents house. James had to take a meeting, so he stepped out, took the meeting. I had to take a meeting too, so I don't know. She was resting at the time. She wasn't awake, but still breathing. So I went out and took the call in the other room, but something said, oh, this isn't a call I have to talk on. I can just go back in and mute the TV and sit in there because the TV was on. So I went back in and was in there for a little bit and always constantly looking over at my mom, just checking her. I mean, she was heavily medicated at the time, so there wasn't much going on. So I don't know if she had any needs, but if she did, I would be there for and I looked over and just noticed that she wasn't breathing anymore. The oxygen machine was going on. So I just kind of collected myself. I was like, all right, well, got to do what you got to do. So check her pulse and no know. So I was like, gave her a kiss, said, thank you, mom, and said, James, you got to come. Yep. [00:24:29] Speaker A: Yeah. So I was on a meeting, and Braxton walked in the room and, you know, the was Braxton didn't even have to say, did you know, he said, she's gone. But I looked up and Braxton and I caught eyes, and all he did was give us a look. It's kind of interesting that my sister wasn't there, because my sister, she did not really leave my mother's side that often the entire duration. [00:25:05] Speaker B: We felt guilty because the amount of work and time her mother instinct treating her mom as if she was one of her kids, kicked in, and it went hard. I mean, like, nonstop. So I can't say enough about her. [00:25:24] Speaker A: She just happened to have to do I think she was closing on a refi of her house that day, so of the only day that my sister was not going to be there. I know this is kind of jumping around, but this is one of the things that as a family, as a black family, you don't hear too much about. Because the first thing that happened when my mom got the diagnosis, we all kind of sprang into action as far as who would take care of what and whether it be her health care, whether it be her affairs, whether it be just anything. We all took our role, and it kind of just happened very organically. There was no arguing, which is very rare for any family. There was no arguing. [00:26:25] Speaker B: You know, James, I think our careers played a part in this, because we have all, in our careers, pretty much been project managers. So it's like we just went into I'm not saying it's the best thing to do, but it's like emotions were cut off. Let's go into go mode. Let's manage this as a project and get it done because it needs to get done. So we left the emotions out and operated. And I have to say, my lady, that was she was there through part of it and was just like, wow, I'm super impressed at how your family just operates and just gets things done that needed to be done in an emotionally taxing situation. [00:27:27] Speaker D: And can we say that it's safe to say that mom instilled that? [00:27:31] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:27:32] Speaker A: Characteristic 100% three. [00:27:35] Speaker D: And even dad, like in your upbringing, I ain't going to sit up here and lie and say that there was not no arguing when my dad passed, although it wasn't between his only two sons, it was other family members that did that type of arguing. So to kind of hear to hear that, like you said, James, it says a lot about our community, because we don't hear about the families that say, you know what, mom and dad taught us how to function this way. This is what we do know, work wise, career wise, so we know how to function. And sometimes, like you said, Brax, all it takes is that moment of acknowledgment to say, you know what? I need to move my emotions to the side for a moment, and I need to focus on what needs to get done so that we have a clear plan of how to take care of our mother. [00:28:33] Speaker B: And you just sparked another thought. Now, let us not paint this picture as perfect, because it was not. There were some things that there were some strong disagreements on, as there should be one in particular. And I'm going to talk about it because, you know, if it's going to help others, then let's talk about it. And James knows where I'm going with this. It was the know, because you talked about arguments that you may have had with your brother and outside the family. So, yeah, that's the part, that part right there. The communication of my mom's condition outside the family, especially when it came to my dad's side. And he had a bigger family than my mother. My mom only had one brother. My dad had five brothers and sisters. That's right. James, Bret, five. There are six of them. [00:29:40] Speaker A: Six. [00:29:41] Speaker B: Well, he was the six. No, he's the all right, fine. Seven. Six. All right. [00:29:52] Speaker A: Poogie and them. [00:29:52] Speaker B: Yeah. But he immediately set up a communication block and told all of us. He's like, no one is to say anything to any of my brothers and sisters. And that communication, that radio silence, that communication block was in place until she passed. Correct. In my thinking and my processing, I was like, this is not fair. This is not fair at all. Because it goes back to what I said before. There's the sudden loss and then there's the loss that, you know, is coming, the gradual loss. And you have just created a situation where you presented a sudden loss to your brothers and sisters, her nieces and nephews. Not fair to me. And I expressed my opinion on that, but my mom said it's his family and if that's how he wants to run it. So had to follow mom. If mom says it goes. Because if mom didn't say, there would. [00:31:07] Speaker A: Have been a different thing open season. [00:31:09] Speaker D: So question, did he ever this is interesting one that you said that because just like briefly with my dad is just my eldest brother, my dad's son, we have different moms. And then it's me, I'm the youngest since our grandmother is living and she's in her right mind, we kind of gave her somewhat the lead, I don't want to say the authority, because it really was up to us, but we gave her the lead on the whole process with my dad. What she did do, which is interesting that you said she created a communication block. Now I know why she created that communication block. And that was for keeping up appearances. [00:32:05] Speaker B: Where did that communication block span to? [00:32:09] Speaker D: That communication block spanned, it expanded to my dad's brothers and sisters that were not of my grandmother, my grandfather, my dad's dad, he had a couple of love children, right? And he had other children and one sibling in particular, my dad, and it was his sister. They didn't always see eye to eye, but at this point, if a man is lying on his deathbed, then you can't stop a sibling from seeing their brother or seeing their sister. And so she created this block for my dad's side of the family where there was like a code to get into the hospital, to go upstairs to his room. Mind you, we didn't know her grandsons, his sons, we didn't know nothing about this. This is something that she had created. And so what it did was it caused a riff between my dad's side of the family and her. Although there has always been a rift, it made it bigger and then it caused a rift between me and her and my brother. And so my question is, did he ever give his reasoning for why he wanted that communication block? [00:33:35] Speaker B: James, you want to take that? [00:33:38] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, he said he didn't want not your face. [00:33:43] Speaker B: What did he say? [00:33:44] Speaker A: He said he didn't want the drama because it's interesting, his family dynamic. The boys are on the bookends, right? So my dad has an older half brother, they all have the same mother, different fathers, right? So my dad and older half brother, he's passed. You got my dad, who's I'm the oldest, right? And then his baby brother and then all girls in between. So my dad said he didn't want the drama. Like for instance, one of my aunts, I guess, once she found out, because Braxton did speak to some of the cousins. [00:34:30] Speaker B: Troopy told I only spoke to one cousin, James one cousin. The other one just did some deduction that I had nothing to do and that one cousin held his word completely. [00:34:45] Speaker A: He did, but my dad played a message from my aunt and you couldn't even understand the message. [00:34:54] Speaker B: Well, the thing is decala you spoke about there was a code to get into the hospital, right? Yeah. So you're saying that the part of the family that was in the communication block, they knew he was in the hospital. [00:35:13] Speaker D: So us, we knew my grandmother, her side of the family knew what was going on. But everyone on my dad's side of the family didn't know I mean there. [00:35:28] Speaker B: Was while did they know he was in the hospital they didn't know he was in the hospital. Okay. [00:35:32] Speaker D: Yeah, because didn't know he was in the hospital and ones who did know was told that he was in the hospital for like I think one of the stories was for a sinus infection. But the man had a know it was those types of things okay. [00:35:49] Speaker B: Because in this situation, my dad's brothers and sisters, they didn't even know that she was just and that's why when James talks about that one that kind of leaked out. It was a deduction. It's like, okay, it's been about six months we have not heard or seen your wife. So that's James you take. [00:36:17] Speaker D: Guess. You know, sometimes we don't understand why the elders do what they. And I guess from his perspective, like you said, James Drama and him know, I know how my family is, and I know it's going to be extra, and I know it's going to be this. But brax to your. We. Like you said, when it comes to death, we have to let people know. I think it's only right to let them know. And we know some people are going to be extra. And you got that one aunt that's going to want to pray and speak in tongues the whole time and you're going to have the other one that's just going to drink the whole time. But that's how they deal with it. But I think like you said, with those two different types of grief, like kind of finding out yeah, those two. [00:37:08] Speaker B: Different types of lost timelines to me, you never want a situation where you create that other type of lost timeline, that sudden lost timeline for somebody and that's what happened. It was created. It was like, what? She's gone. I didn't even know she was sick. [00:37:26] Speaker A: What? [00:37:30] Speaker D: Okay, I'm going to get back to the other question, but we're into something right here. How did the family react? [00:37:38] Speaker B: Oh, come on. You can imagine, you know how that went. [00:37:44] Speaker D: Oh, my goodness. [00:37:47] Speaker B: I think it simmered down now, pandemic I think it's simmered down now, but you can imagine how that I don't. [00:37:53] Speaker A: Even know if they're going to just quick some. Background information. My mom did not want a service, so she wanted celebration of life, and not just because a lot of people call fumes celebrations of life. [00:38:10] Speaker B: And she's not even from New Orleans, baby. That's how they do it down there. I've seen it. The second line, the T shirts with your face on it. It's a party. When you pass, it's a party. So that's what my mom wanted. [00:38:25] Speaker D: You're hosting. [00:38:27] Speaker A: It is a cookout. It's a cookout. Come on, mom. [00:38:33] Speaker D: Wow. [00:38:33] Speaker B: Wait a minute. That's crazy. With one rule. With one rule. And this is laid down by my mom. Under no circumstances, absolutely not are you to run out of food. [00:38:53] Speaker D: Now, see, that's my kind of woman right there. [00:38:56] Speaker A: Or drink. Or drink. [00:38:58] Speaker B: Or drink. [00:38:59] Speaker A: Or drink. Or drink. Do not run out of food. And do not run out of. [00:39:08] Speaker D: Wow. I remember you sent me the flyer, James, and I said, Woman wants a cookout. I love it. [00:39:22] Speaker B: What's the average cost of a funeral casket? All that? I'm asking you because it could be range. Just give me a range. [00:39:30] Speaker D: A range over 10,000. [00:39:32] Speaker B: Over 10,000. [00:39:33] Speaker D: Nothing less. [00:39:34] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:39:34] Speaker B: $1,000. My mom was like, Unless you're getting cremated or something. Yeah. So my mom was like, Take that ten plus grand and put it on food and drink and have a party for everybody that knew. [00:39:47] Speaker A: Have a party. [00:39:49] Speaker B: I was like, right on. [00:39:53] Speaker D: That's awesome. So you think that side of the family, they going to come? [00:39:59] Speaker A: I was there when my dad when we started sending out the text messages. And my dad's not he's pretty good on technology, but he had me send a lot of them to the relatives, to his siblings, to my aunts and uncles. I don't know. I think some of them will come. Some of them aren't local, so I don't know. We have a whole bunch that live in North Cacalaca. I think some of them will come. I know my dad's eldest sister, who's kind of become the matriarch of his family. I'm pretty sure Aunt Dean will come, right, brax? Don't you think? [00:40:40] Speaker B: Yeah, I think. [00:40:44] Speaker A: But but you know what's interesting, though? And I got to call mom. Sorry, I'm about to call you out a little bit. Mom brass I don't know if you got this, but I got that. Mom orchestrated a lot of what people knew and what people didn't know as well. [00:41:04] Speaker B: Yes. [00:41:05] Speaker A: With her friends. We had family meetings about this we did. About what could be told and what could not be told. [00:41:19] Speaker B: I promise you. DiCarlo. This was run like a project. The whole passing it was literally run like a project with regular meetings, updates. [00:41:29] Speaker A: And it was copious taking. [00:41:34] Speaker B: Yes. We even had a get this down. Oh, we had a Google Sheets that we had to up. Yeah, we did. We had a Google Doc site that we had to update, complete with tabs. [00:41:49] Speaker A: Different tabs, like phone tree tabs as to who starts the phone tree when she does transition medication. Of course, the extensive medication list that she was on. Yeah, it was project managed. [00:42:11] Speaker B: And I think it all tied into the grief process because it's like to be exposed to these tasks every day is you're facing that, okay, there's an endpoint to this and it's something that you can't push to the back of your mind. You have to deal with it, you have to accept it. And at the same time it's actually getting things done that in other situations I have seen have caused conflict and arguments amongst family members, some with the person still there before they pass and some after. So all that was kind of taken into account and we're grieving through it. It's a process. So it was part of it being so systematically put together helped us, I would say. Well, I'm speaking for me, it helped me. [00:43:12] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:43:18] Speaker D: You all probably have the answer to this, you may not. I wonder what grief mom went through upon hearing her diagnosis and if that is why she orchestrated the things so how she wanted them. Yeah, you know what I mean? Because maybe this is just me and again, I can only speak for myself. I never actually put thought to the ongoing grief of someone that has been given a diagnosis of death and when it could happen, if it's six months or if it's twelve months, five months, or three, or not knowing when, but knowing that your end is coming. So it kind of makes me wonder what state of grief what her mindset was. [00:44:23] Speaker B: We were actually given some materials from the case worker and some of those materials were for us. And it was a pamphlet, it wasn't even a long book and I was able to read it and my sister got on me because she read it long before I did. Said what? You did read this you need to read. [00:44:46] Speaker A: I'm talking about the hospice. Yes, the hospice pamphlet. Yeah, I forget the name of it. Carl, do you know the name of that hospice pamphlet that everybody. [00:44:57] Speaker B: Yeah, I. [00:44:58] Speaker D: Haven'T had hospice, like head on and. [00:45:01] Speaker B: Experience with that, but it walked through that person's stages and what you're going to see. And it was almost like textbook. I mean, of course they have the disclaimer statement in the beginning of the pamphlet. Like everybody does this differently, but this is what is commonly seen. And to address your question yeah, we saw her own personal grief come out in stages. Like some of those stages include long periods of just silence. There's no TV on, nothing, but they're awake. So long periods of silence is like and the book said, or the pamphlet said that this is them processing that, that they'll be leaving this world as they know it. They're just going through those processes and then they said there's a withdrawal and then part of that withdrawal was, as James said, the communication block that my mom implemented. This is not on my father's side, but with her friends. It's like, okay, there's only a few people that I really want to know because the cards and the flowers kept pouring in, and after a while, she was like, okay, I'm good. And so I think that speaks to her own personal grieving process dealing with this end of life thoughts and things like that. Right. [00:46:34] Speaker D: And this is a question for both of you. There's a moment, I don't know if everyone goes through this moment because everyone deals with grief differently upon hearing certain types of news and stages and all those different things. I know there was a moment for me where I came to peace with know that my dad was going to transition. When did you both come to that moment of peace, or did you even get to a moment of peace prior to her death? [00:47:13] Speaker A: I can definitely take this one. Mine is for both of us. [00:47:17] Speaker B: James. [00:47:18] Speaker A: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take it first. This is going to sound crazy. I first came to peace with my mom's mortality when I found out as an adult that my mother was a breast cancer survivor. [00:47:44] Speaker D: And wait a minute, I was going. [00:47:46] Speaker B: To also yeah, wait a minute, I got questions. [00:47:51] Speaker D: Was there prior health conditions that mom went through? Okay, now you're answering both of those questions. [00:47:57] Speaker B: You're going to have to explain. You're going to have to explain this one, James, because there was a huge gap between I'm talking, what, almost 15 years when you found that out and when mom and when mom passed. So you were dealing with that mortality, like, 20 years prior to 20 years prior to, yeah, I remember that discussion. [00:48:21] Speaker A: 20 years. So, yes, we neglected to tell everyone that our mother was a 40 year breast cancer survivor. [00:48:35] Speaker D: Wow. [00:48:39] Speaker A: And breast cancer has run rampant through our family. Her mother died of it young. My great aunt, my mother's sister's aunt, so my grandmother's sister had breast cancer. All of my mother's friends that grew up in the small town in West Virginia have had it. They've all had it, every last one of them. [00:49:10] Speaker D: What's going on over there? [00:49:12] Speaker A: Have had something was in the water that part. Have had breast cancer in the coal mining state of West Virginia. But that's a whole nother conversation. [00:49:26] Speaker B: Did that come out? [00:49:27] Speaker A: We don't really know. We don't really know. [00:49:30] Speaker B: Sorry. No, you got to lose corporate sponsors. [00:49:35] Speaker D: Look, we don't know yet. [00:49:41] Speaker A: We don't really know when our mother had breast cancer. I can't tell you the exact date, but all I know is my sister was an infant. I was three or four, and braxton was that would have made braxton six or seven. So my mother had got diagnosed with breast cancer with babies, three babies, and she had a mastectomy and kept it and hid it from us until we were grown. [00:50:16] Speaker D: But dad knew about this? [00:50:18] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, he had to. [00:50:20] Speaker D: Now, this kind of changes the tables. [00:50:23] Speaker A: Now because we're talking about everything. [00:50:27] Speaker D: Kind of helps me figure out why he did what he did. [00:50:30] Speaker B: Family secrets. Wow. [00:50:35] Speaker A: So my mom didn't tell anyone. She didn't tell anyone because she told us in that family meeting that happened over 20 years ago, she told us she didn't want anyone to feel sorry for her. That was her biggest request, and that's why she kept it to herself. She even admitted it was wrong to her detriment. Like it was completely wrong. Her internalizing having a mastectomy at 30 years old or 30 years young or 31 or 32. However young she was, it was very. [00:51:12] Speaker B: Young because of what she went through with her mom. [00:51:18] Speaker A: Correct. [00:51:19] Speaker B: And losing her at such a young age. [00:51:24] Speaker A: But one thing she did always promise her mother she said she promised her mother on her deathbed that she would always take care of her health. So that's why her mother was a huge health care preventative health care advocate. Always was. Always went to the doctor and stuff like that. So to answer your question, DiCarlo, that hit me harder than this terminal cancer diagnosis. When I found out that I could have grown up without having a mother, if I would have lost my mother at three years old, I would have never known my mother. So that's when it hit me 20 years ago. So to answer your question, I was actually prepared. In a very strange way, I was prepared for this because I did my grieving 20 years ago when I was in my early twenty s and my mom dropped that bomb on us. So when this happened, for me, I felt like I was ready. It's the weirdest feeling. I don't know, braxton, what do you say? [00:52:37] Speaker B: Yeah, well, that's news to me. James, I didn't know. Yeah. [00:52:43] Speaker A: First time I ever talked about it. [00:52:45] Speaker B: Okay. With me, DiCarlo, your question was coming to terms, being at peace, the yeah. When are you there? To me, it came after she passed. Like, pretty soon after she passed. I DJ online. I stream on this platform called Twitch. [00:53:17] Speaker D: Go ahead and do the plug. [00:53:18] Speaker B: Go ahead. It yeah, DJ. Monday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. You can catch me. DJ bracks 05:00 P.m. Eastern Standard Time. I got a show called Summer Yacht Life. It was developed during the Pandemic. Yeah, with two X's. Two X's. [00:53:34] Speaker D: Bracks with two X. [00:53:35] Speaker B: That's right, DJ bracks with two X's. Find me on Twitch. Live streaming. Live streaming. Well, let me back up a little bit. Can I? Is that all right? Take your time. Okay. All right. So Pandemic hits, I go completely virtual, and I have an opportunity to get back into DJing because I'm completely virtual. So it's like, all right, I start DJing. This is like March 2020. I'm DJing on Instagram. What? D. Nice started. God bless D Nice for that because he opened the door for so many DJs to get out there and do it. So we're doing on Instagram, but we don't have that Denise Magic, which means that Instagram would cut us off after an hour. Or if we play certain copyright material like Michael Jackson MJ is instant, your stream is cut. De Nice did not have that. He had that Denise magic. Anyway, so that constituted the transfer know, I'm playing for people I call the show Summer Yacht Life. I'm talking about traveling to distant locations because nobody could travel, no one could do anything like that. So we transfer over to Twitch, which is another platform. It's a gamer platform. And DJs start taking over there because it's unrestricted. We can play whatever we want. We can go for as long as we want. So we have followers that came from Instagram to Twitch. And even when we got on Twitch, we got even more followers. I'm meeting all DJs from all over because it's kind of like the playing field got leveled with Quarantine. No one could go any clubs anymore. No one could do anything like that. So we're all on twitch. But the thing is, as we're going through this summer, 2020 going into 2021, we're there and we're talking. We're there for the music. Everybody came for the music because it's fun, because we as DJs, can play pretty much whatever we want. We don't have to play like, the top 20 songs you hear on the radio, which people listen to on their way to the club, and then they want to hear it again in the club. And we got to answer to promoters. So we're playing everything. I'm touching all genres. I'm like Soca. Afrobeat country. [00:56:10] Speaker A: Baltimore Club. [00:56:11] Speaker B: Baltimore Club. Go go. EDM house. [00:56:17] Speaker A: The call is from DC. [00:56:18] Speaker B: Okay, all right. [00:56:19] Speaker A: PG DC. [00:56:22] Speaker B: So a lot of people are coming for the music. They're like, wow, these DJs are opening up their crates and they're coming for the music. And everybody's rocking for the music. But these people are showing up every day because what else? There's no place to go. Everybody's quarantined kind of like, that's how Dean Ice got his crowd. We just might as well just rock together. So after a while, we started to really become familiar with these people that we've never met. And they're listening from all over the world, from the UK to Australia, all across the US. And we're getting really familiar with these people because we're seeing them every day. We don't see them. They see me, but I don't see them, but I see them in their chat. And you get to learn personalities. And after a while, you develop relationships with these people and you develop trust. And with that trust, people start to get into more personal things. Because we're going through a cris with pandemic. We're going through a trauma that nobody is exempt from everybody's going through it in one way. So what we began to realize as time passed that we were here for the music, but we're talking about things like a support group. And as time passed, things happened. Good things happened. Like people's sons or daughters graduated and got accepted into schools. Bad things happened. Family members were lost to COVID and other reasons. But yet we come there. We would come on, they would come into the chat and we would go to other DJs that we kind of rock within our family. And we would share these things. We would process through these. And I want to tell Bora about this, but I want to answer your question. So my time came where, all right, brax is going through something right now. And it was a difficult that day that my mom passed. And we went through some of the stuff right there at the house. My sister came, everybody came, and we processed through some of that day one stuff that we going into action and just talking. Well, no, we didn't. No, we ate. We ate and we remembered. We ate and we remembered because it's like me being with my mom the longest, I know what she wants and what she expects from me, from my brother, from the whole family. We know that. There's no question. So I was going home and I was thinking, it was a Monday, and I was thinking, okay, this is usually when it's my Showtime. I was like, should I go know? Should I do my stream? Can I go on? Can I even do it? And there was no question about what my mom would want. Absolutely, bro, absolutely. Brax. He's like, this is your love, this is your passion. Go on. So I went on and I was playing house music. I needed something really meditative. So I was playing Deep House. And then at the end, I played one of her favorite songs. I did a little house mix of it's called Function at the Junction by Shorty Long. So at the end, I play that. And then I shared the news with my viewers. It was right before I was about to go off and say, I'm going to need some time. I'm going to be out for a little bit. And just the love poured in. The love poured in. Twitch has a system where it's set up to and you should consider going on here, Bro, because it started off as gamers and then it's expanded to DJs. Now it's anybody who has any content. So consider we'll talk about it. But there's a reimbursement system where you can tip the streamers right there and it goes like TikTok kind of yeah, you can actually tip and subscribe to them and the streamers get paid. And they just started supporting, supporting, throwing all sorts of tips at me. And I broke down. I was like, we don't hide stuff we've been rocking for each other for over a year to almost two years online, and it's like, yo, this is real. So after that, and I know I've gone, like, all around the States to get back to your question, I'm with it. I'm with it. But after that, some of the people that I rocked with, the closest on Twitch, like, some of the other DJs and just a few of my followers had my personal number, and they reached out to me. And the thing I kept saying is, I'm good, because I kept repeating the same phrase. There was nothing left unsaid. Nothing left undone. And that's how you know, that just goes back to the amazing stories that James shared with Costa Rica. But there's so many in life that we've had, so it's like, that's a full life that you live, Mrs. Toller, and there's nothing left unsaid. I told you I loved you time and time again. That helped me be at peace. That helped me be at peace. [01:02:47] Speaker A: To answer your question, we lost mom the day after her 74th birthday. [01:02:55] Speaker B: Wow. Kind of like she stayed around. She stayed around for it, but that. [01:02:59] Speaker D: Was like a full circle around the sun. [01:03:02] Speaker B: Yes. [01:03:03] Speaker D: She was able to end a chapter. [01:03:06] Speaker A: And start anew, and everyone was there on her birthday. Her grandkids, which yeah, the day before my mom yeah, the day before her brother. That was on her birthday. [01:03:18] Speaker B: Yeah, the day before she passed. [01:03:22] Speaker A: Mom. One of my mom's wishes, because her mother was kind of robbed of this, that she wanted all of her grandkids to know who she was, because my brother was a toddler when my grandmother died, my sister and I weren't born, so we never met her. And so Braxton doesn't remember her. [01:03:46] Speaker B: So that was zero memory, unfortunately. [01:03:48] Speaker A: Zero memory of our grandmother. And DeCarlo, let me tell you, she was specific to the very last day. She's like, I want scallops and shrimp. I want a lemon cake. Come on. [01:04:03] Speaker D: Lemon. Specific flavor. [01:04:09] Speaker A: And she actually ate. Didn't eat well, but she got her scallops and shrimp and ate. And one of the most touching moments, actually, on her birthday, I was sitting next to her and my nephew, who everybody calls my twin, because we look just alike. He was, what, a couple weeks away from turning, what, four, braxton? Yeah, a couple weeks away from turning four. His older sister, my niece Bailey, she was a little spooked, know, because they call her Graham with an, you know, that wasn't her Graham as she knew her. Right. But Parker, three years old, crawls up on the bed and then just nestles himself right next to her as if he knew that was it. It was the most amazing thing. I broke down. I had to turn my head, and I was, like, whimpering because I couldn't believe what I was. [01:05:23] Speaker B: Ugly face, crying. [01:05:26] Speaker A: Yeah. But, yeah, no, we lost her. November 15 of 2001. Her birthday is November 14 of 1947. So she saw 73. She was determined, and she wanted to see all of her family, and we were all there. In fact, my brother's girl actually taped the Happy birthday. That's the one thing I can look at pictures. I can hear my mom's voice, but I have not been able to go back and watch the final happy Birthday. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I want to. [01:06:08] Speaker B: You will. You'll get to a place you got. [01:06:10] Speaker D: To give yourself time. You definitely got to give yourself time, because that is more surreal, because you were there and you know what took place thereafter. I always tell people, give yourself time, and you'll do it when you need to. I mean, that's just like you're probably right. [01:06:30] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:06:30] Speaker D: My dad's phone number and messages that I have are still in my phone. [01:06:34] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, I got lots of them. [01:06:36] Speaker D: Voicemails, and he's been gone since 2018. Some things ain't going nowhere. I mean, one time I slipped up and called them, and I realized. [01:06:52] Speaker C: He'S not here. [01:06:53] Speaker D: I can't call him and see how he's doing. [01:06:57] Speaker B: How did that happen? Did you just hit the wrong button? Or did you just like, oh, no. [01:07:01] Speaker D: I did it on purpose because I. [01:07:02] Speaker B: Forgot, you know what? [01:07:05] Speaker D: And at one time, I knew that he wasn't here, but I didn't believe it, so I was like, Let me just call. And this was like this was I forget his passing. He wasn't even in the ground yet. This was like, after his passing, I was like, no. I was like, no, this ain't real. And I realized he's not there, and I wasn't there. We were all at the hospital. And the thing was, he died on Valentine's Day. So the day that they said there was nothing else for him to the people said there was nothing else that they could do for him. So we all decided as a family, okay, well, then let's take him off life support. They said if he breathes and he fights for his life, then we'll consider other options, but it's a chance that you may lose him. And so we took him off. The man slept because of the nature of the stroke and what it did to his nervous system, he wasn't up. He was sleeping. So it was almost as if he slept without being tubed for a day. He slept. We were in there. It was almost as if we were, like, waiting for that moment to happen, and it never, ever happened. And it wasn't until we said, well, you know what? If he's going to decide that he wants to go, he must don't want us here. And that's what we kind of chalked it up to. Being my grandmother, his mom, she stayed. She didn't want to leave. She was like, no, I'm not going to leave. And that's why for me, the reason why she acted the way that she acted was also tied to some things that were not said between my dad and her because they always didn't see eye to eye, if that makes sense. So after we left, we got downstairs on the street. She calls us frantically. He was gone. So she was there for that process. But it's interesting. This whole thing is just interesting to hear. [01:09:26] Speaker B: It is. And I appreciate you sharing that part about the call that's kind of a little bit of confirmation, because I kind of knew that, hey, that's normal. But it's also for you to share. It is confirmation and validation, because at 18, I left the house. I went down to Atlanta for school, and then from Atlanta went to overseas to Italy and Spain. So I've always pretty much been gone the whole time. So it's like there's a lot of time that I did not see my mom, but it's become the norm for my life. So after she passed, it's like I'm almost like at least every week, it's like, oh, it's like business as usual, because I'm not used to seeing her. And like, oh, she's there, and then it's like, no, she's not, or at least she's not there as you know her. So I'm like, okay, yeah, that's right. But yeah, it happens. It happens a lot. And I guess, James, you go through it too, especially because I was gone. I was used to her just being remote. I was used to her being out. Know, there I can pick up the phone anytime I want to call it, but I'm not going to see her for know, sometimes it would be yeah. [01:10:57] Speaker A: You know what blows my mind, though? Thank you for bringing that up. Braxton, I believe that this was truly divine intervention because my brother was gone for upwards of 25 years. [01:11:12] Speaker B: Man was busy, this guy. [01:11:14] Speaker A: He was busy, very busy. So. [01:11:19] Speaker B: To have him 2017, right? [01:11:23] Speaker A: In 2017, when there was no sign of anything, braxton moved back to the area. Braxton hadn't lived here since DeCarlo before you were born, and I'm going to call you out because of your young age. [01:11:39] Speaker D: That was 91. I'm 30 years old. [01:11:42] Speaker A: Gosh braxton has not lived had not lived in Maryland since 991. [01:11:49] Speaker D: Okay, well, that's fine, son. [01:11:55] Speaker B: I left. I left because of you, son. [01:12:04] Speaker D: You know what? That's the end of this. [01:12:09] Speaker A: That's another podcast. [01:12:10] Speaker B: You can edit that part. [01:12:13] Speaker D: Oh, no, that's staying in there. I'm not editing nothing. [01:12:17] Speaker B: This is all staying in here. [01:12:20] Speaker A: No, I just think that it was just divine intervention that my brother just happened. It was like right after I got married in 2017, and Braxton, for one reason or another, moved back to the area. So Braxton, I get chills thinking about it, because hindsight is 2020, but if I look back, everything was in preparation for such a time as this. [01:12:50] Speaker B: I'm glad you brought everything. [01:12:53] Speaker A: All of the chess pieces. Come on, god. All of the chess pieces that were moved into place, because for this time, I think we'd be talking a different story if Braxton was not here or did not live know, in the last several years of my mom's life. Braxton has a relationship with his niece and nephew nieces. And know, and they only knew him as far away uncle. Right. [01:13:29] Speaker B: Our transient Uncle B. [01:13:31] Speaker A: Right, exactly. So all of that that time, I have to thank God for that, for just that time with mom thing that got put into place. They would go visit my mom dad and my sister would go visit my brother, but I wouldn't travel for a whole nother story in itself as to why I was not traveling internationally, but that's a whole nother show. But the fact that the whole family was together for the last four years. [01:14:14] Speaker B: Four years. [01:14:15] Speaker A: Four years. Four years of my mom's life. [01:14:20] Speaker B: And nothing made her happier than when we would just randomly show up at the house, the three of us, over those four years. And that was just her joy right there. Like, oh, all my kids are finally here. I was like, well, you're talking about me, mom. I know, because I was the one that was gone. I was like, yes, we're here. And that would happen so many times, just randomly, which would never be possible with me living in Europe and places like you. [01:14:51] Speaker D: But you know what I find so interesting is and it's kind of like bringing it kind of full circle for you, Brax, is although you were gone and you were working and you were gone, mom graced you with her last breath, being that you were her first child. [01:15:17] Speaker B: Like I said, when all these messages started coming in from my people on Twitch, some of them, they wanted to know, this is my social circle now, and they wanted to know the details. And I told them that, and almost every one of them said the same thing. It's like, she chose you for that last. [01:15:50] Speaker D: It's. [01:15:50] Speaker B: Take your time, James. [01:15:52] Speaker D: No, it's fine, James, because you're not going to make me get tear. Know? I think about when my grandmother passed, my mom's mom, and my uncle was the only one in the room, and that happened to be her baby. Her last was my mom is the eldest and my uncle, and then my Uncle Tony is the youngest, and he so happened to be the one in the room in the hospital. We were coming back because there were people that wanted to visit my grandmother, and it was almost as if she was, like, holding on and holding on until these people came because they said they were coming, and we didn't know when they were coming. And when they left and we walked back, he was in the room, and she was no longer there. And it's just interesting how sometimes and I even look at with my dad and my grandmother, why he chose for her to be in the room to see when he transitioned. And sometimes I think that it's a sign of love. It's also a sign of whatever has not been said. It had already had been said. And my uncle is not the type of he doesn't talk much. He doesn't say much, so you never really know what he's thinking. But for him to be in that room, that was for him. That wasn't for us, right? And so it's just amazing that you saying everything that you're saying and hearing that you've been away to put that back to you being there is just amazing. Hearing about and knowing about the character of your mom, and although I met her once, she was vibrant, hilarious. And I will say this braxton. When you showed up on that screen, I kind of got a little stuck. [01:17:56] Speaker B: Because you look just like your mom. [01:17:59] Speaker D: And I was just like I was like, okay, let me get my mind right, because I looked at you and. [01:18:06] Speaker B: I said, yes, no mistaken whose child I am with that hold up, James, because he talked about Mom's character. And I made a comment earlier that I got to clear up. I got to clear up her character. Go ahead, clear up. And James, I'm going to let you take the second part of this. So we need to clear up the convict title, and we need to clear up the trafficking. We're talking about my mom. So it's a little bit of a comedic break here. So as James had mentioned, my family had gotten an opportunity to visit me while I was overseas. So there was a time that my sister and I were living in Germany, and we were working there, and this was my mom's first opportunity to go to Europe. So we pretty much opened Europe up to, like, you know, just get a flight. And once you get there, we'll give you a place to sleep. We'll give you food to eat. We'll give you beer and wine to drink. So they came over to Germany, and this is summer of 2005, and they were there for three weeks. So they wanted to get in as much as possible, not just Germany, because in Europe, especially with Germany, it's centrally located. You can travel around in different countries, fairly easy by car. So one weekend we went up to Amsterdam. We went up to the Netherlands. It's about like, a four hour drive from where we were in Germany. So we were there, had a great weekend. We were there with some coworkers, and one of my coworkers had her little brother was visiting too. So he, in that weekend, had lost his license. He just lost it somewhere in Amsterdam. Of course, while up in Amsterdam, we were partaking in some of the good stuff up know, if you know what I mean. Yeah, we can talk about it. We're in Maryland or I'm in Cali. These are two states where it's legalized. [01:20:16] Speaker D: I know what you mean. [01:20:17] Speaker B: Okay. All right, cool. [01:20:22] Speaker A: Where the ghosts can get it. [01:20:24] Speaker B: So on the way coming back, we had, like, a little caravan. There were, like four cars. I'm bringing back some space cake, per my mom's request. She's like, Bring some of that space cake back. It was good because that's what they called it back then. Now we call it edibles. But anyway, we crossed the border because she's like, all right, yeah, I'm bringing it back. I was like, okay, cool. No problem. We crossed the border. We're over at Germany. And then as soon as we cross the border, we pull into a gas station to get gas for the rest of the trip. So while we're there at the gas station, we fill up our tanks. Our friend who had her brother, her little brother with there, he filled up their tank, but then he moved the car. Other people in there getting snacks and stuff, he moved the car away from the pump. He just drove it away, a little bit away. And I'm still at the pump. And then all of a sudden I see all my friends and my father sitting on the curb with these two guys standing next to him. So I was like, okay. I was like, what's going on? We about ready to go. We finished fueling up. My mom and my sister were in my car while I was filling it up. So I go over there and the guy's like, Are you with them? Is this your car? I was like, all my German that I knew went out the window. I was like, I don't understand what you're saying, bro. You need to speak English. It's like, if you want to communicate with me. Of course I knew exactly what he was saying. And then he pulled out a little coin out of his pocket and showed me a coin. I was like, what? Euro? I was like, I got a euro. What are we going to do? What you trying to do? We try to roll on the curb. And my dad was like he was like doing the cut sign across his throat and the serious face like, Stop. And everybody like and then the guy pulled back his coat and he showed a gun. I was like, all right, well, are we about to get robbed? I was like, you robbing me for my Euro? He's like, no, we are police officers. We are looking for drugs coming from the Netherlands. I was like, all right, cool. He's like, Is that your car over there? I was like, yeah, that's my car. You need to pull it over here so we can search it. So I go back over. I'm going to kind of end up wrap up the story, but I go back over and I tell mom. I was like, okay, they're sitting over there because those are undercover police. We just crossed the border, and you brought some space cake back with you. And they may look for so because it was legal in the Netherlands but not legal in Germany. So my mom was like, okay, well, what should I do? [01:23:20] Speaker A: Should I do? [01:23:20] Speaker B: Should I start crying? Should I start, like, the tears, the waterworks? [01:23:25] Speaker A: No, she didn't. [01:23:27] Speaker B: I was like, Whatever you think will work, mom. I mean, they're going to find your space cake. [01:23:33] Speaker A: Who do you think I get the dramatics from? DiCarlo? [01:23:36] Speaker B: So we pulled the car over. She's up there crying like, I'm not American. I'm just here visiting my son. I don't know what's wrong. And they're like, It's okay, Ma'am. It's okay, ma'am. This is just a routine search. So, long story short, they find the space cake, but they got to take it back to the lab and analyze it. They found some weed. I think it was like a good amount. Like a good amount of maybe like a quarter pound of a QP of weed that my friend's sister had brought back with her. Oh, my. But check this out. They said, all right, what we're going to do is there's a fine. It's 450 euro, and you have to pay it right now, or we take you to the station and process you. So everybody went to the ATM, pulled out money because you can only pull out certain amounts. So we got up 450 euro. We paid the fine, and then they let us go. So here's how the fine was broken down, because remember, keep in mind, my friend little brother had lost his license, but he moved the car. The fine breakdown was 25 euro for possession of marijuana and 425 euro for driving a car with no license. [01:25:00] Speaker D: Dang, sir, where your money? [01:25:04] Speaker B: He literally moved the car away from the pump. And I was like, that's how you all roll here. Whatever. At least it's like, mom, you get to keep your space cake. So you're now officially did she get her cake back? Oh, yeah, she did. So, mom, you have officially trafficked drugs across international borders. [01:25:25] Speaker A: International borders. [01:25:29] Speaker D: Oh, my goodness. That is a good story. [01:25:31] Speaker A: I have one last story. That's the convict mom getting locked up. Yeah, convict story locked. My parents got married right out of Undergrad. In fact, they got married on August 2, 1969. My dad's birthday was August 4. And for their honeymoon, they didn't go anywhere. They moved from West Virginia to New York City. Okay. Because my dad Newark had gotten newark? Yeah, Newark. [01:26:07] Speaker B: Newark. [01:26:07] Speaker A: No, he had to go to New York first. Anyway, so my dad had gotten an incredible opportunity with IBM right out of Undergrad. So that's where they went. So my mom became a teacher because that was what she did professionally for 30 plus years in Montgomery County, but before they moved to Maryland, they lived in Newark, New Jersey. So my mom became a teacher, and there was a teacher strike, I think, my mom's first year. So my mom was, mind you, 22 years old, moving from West Virginia, rural West Virginia to the greater New York metro. [01:26:51] Speaker B: Come on. [01:26:52] Speaker A: The greater New York metropolitan area. So the teachers went on, know fair wages, better, know all that, right? So my mom had befriended my Aunt Kathy, who's like blood because their classroom is right next to each other. Aunt Kathy, when they went out on strike, aunt Kathy did not carry a picket sign. They weren't arresting folks that didn't carry picket signs. So my Aunt Kathy knew the wherewithal to not carry a picket sign. But my mom, being the social activist that she is, and she was all for better wages, even though this was her first year teaching. So she was like, oh, I got a great job and benefits and stuff. My mom picketed with the sign. And then the cops rolled in. And who do you think got the front cover of the newspaper as they are handcuffed as she is handcuffed stepping on the police, like resisting arrest, stepping on the police officer's foot. The picture. It's a great picture. And you can see in the back of the picture my Aunt Kathy with her crocodile tears, crying, talking about, that's my sister. They looked at my know who is as light as I am. And my Aunt Kathy is very brown skinned. Your sister, right. So here to Carlo, is the picture. [01:28:31] Speaker B: Of my mom getting that's funny how we both brought it up at the. [01:28:34] Speaker A: Same time as my mom getting taken away looking like Angela Davis. [01:28:42] Speaker B: Yes. [01:28:42] Speaker D: With that piece on her. [01:28:43] Speaker B: Yes. [01:28:44] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. With her fro underneath. [01:28:46] Speaker B: Come on. The protester. And that's the DNA that we came from. [01:28:53] Speaker D: Wow, this is good. You know what it feels like, and I didn't intend for this to feel this way, but it feels more than just a tribute. This feels more than just a eulogy. [01:29:15] Speaker A: It's a healing for me. [01:29:17] Speaker D: Yeah. This is amazing because I didn't know all of this about your mom, but just the testament again, the testament of who she is. I'm going to say who she is because her spirit, it lives on through you all and through her family. It's just amazing just to hear all of this, I have a question for you both because I've heard so many stories. But if you could sum up what you learned. You not just in the grieving process, not upon learning what you learned early on, James, and then learning of her latest diagnosis, but just in general, when you think of mom, what have you learned that keeps you going every day? [01:30:22] Speaker B: You want to go, James? [01:30:24] Speaker A: Because I got yeah, you take it first. You take it. [01:30:26] Speaker B: Okay. So just another story of who she was, I don't know the exact years. Maybe it was like seven years before she retired from being a teacher in Montgomery County. She had started a business named after us, BJE Handbags. And it was her passion. She loved it. She made a little money on the side selling handbags. So fast forward seven years, she's about to retire and she has literally grown this business while working both where her income for BJE is now matching what she's getting as a teacher and the business that she's grown. And she went on to do that 15 years after she retired to continue to grow this business. Her entrepreneurial spirit is so strong in me, and just watching her and seeing that example of her lead this and grow this, it seems weird, but that's the strongest thing that she has left me. And she never gave up on something, turning a passion monetizing a passion. So it's like there's some things that I'm doing right now that I'm actually doing that, but that's her influence. And I would say that and just being kind to people, being kind. She was a talker, she was social, she was a complete extrovert. So those are the things that keep me going to just continue. Part of it's me, but a lot of it's her. So it's like, that's how her is living on through me doing the things, because she always was so proud every time I would start a business venture. So that's mine. [01:32:40] Speaker A: Yeah, I would say for me, kind of going down the same road that Braxton did. It's the getting up and making every day worth it, making every day count. My mom lived the fullest life. She did not stop. In fact, I think it was the pandemic was the only thing that really slowed her down, because this is a woman who, like Braxton said, 15 years post retirement, she would go to government agencies sometimes three, four days a week. So she had another full time job after. She could have easily just said after she retired because of her passion. Her passion took her all over the world. Her passion to see passion, like Braxton said, to see my mom take a passion and turn it into something that she could make money off of is what is what is going to last with me. My mom never quit. She never quit. From as long as I can remember my mom, in the 45 years that I've been on this Earth, she never stopped. Even when she was tired, she never stopped. That's what I take. [01:34:11] Speaker B: Can I circle back? Because I know this is a free flowing conversation, but I want to circle back to a question that you previously asked about being at peace with my mom's passing. And I painted the upside of the picture, but there's another side of the picture. It kind of goes back to Twitch. And like I said, we started DJing. But after a while, people began to trust other people on this platform that we're using. And people began to get into their passions. Like, okay, yeah, I'm a DJ, but for me, I'm a DJ, but I also like to dive. And I also like to help people out with financial education. But there were other DJs on there that I've become really cool with that were big into black male mental health. And they would start out DJing, but then as they know you trust your audience, they began to start to talk about these things. They began to start to talk about things that were close to them. Like, one of my boys, DJ Prodigy out of Baltimore, his father had passed through suicide because of depression. So he was big on like, hey, let's talk about these things. Let's get it out there. Let's not live behind that stigma. It's just how things James said worked out perfectly. God's plan that I'm in a community that's talking about these things as I go through one of the toughest situations in my life. And so I'm in a situation, and I'm constantly told that there's no way to grieve. There's no one particular path, so whatever comes, just let it happen. And so I talked about the good side, telling people, hey, there was nothing left unsaid, nothing left undone. But every now and then I get triggered. And when I get triggered, the tears just go. But I go with it. I go with it. I cry until I smile. And then because it eventually comes, that smile eventually comes. I remember there was one time, it was during the Super Bowl. I was out here in La. We were DJing. Me and a partner of mine were DJing for the National Cancer Society. They were having an event here in La for the didn't. I thought nothing of it. Going there and playing the music in the opening. And then so we played the music for the opening. It was a banquet. Sorry. So we sat down and they started the program, and they started the program with the video. And it was an older black man who talked about his battle with cancer and hospitalizations. And I was on the side. Tears were just flowing. I was like, Where is this coming from? But I was like, no, there's no question. There's no question. You know where it's coming from. Just go with it. Fucking my friend was there. He's like it's. All right. Just let it go. Let it go. And I was like, It is all right. I'm going to let it go. So it happens for me, time to time. [01:37:33] Speaker A: It's crazy. [01:37:34] Speaker B: Why wasn't done. James, hold up. So for all y'all out there listening, especially black males, when it comes, let it. And you don't have to be apologetic about it. And if your friends, your other black male friends, don't understand or look at you as weak, they're not your friends. And matter of fact, you don't need them. Matter of fact, I think that narrative is with a younger generation, and to call it things like you doing things like this is pushing that narrative away. And we are allowed to cry. We are allowed to express emotions as black males, and that has nothing to do with our masculinity, that has nothing to do with our security, our self image and things like that. So, yeah, I just wanted to bring that part back because it hasn't been all rosy. It hasn't been like, oh, it's a total acceptance and I'm in sin. My mom, she's here, but she's on another plane. No, there are times when I'm triggered and I struggle and I go through that, right. [01:38:41] Speaker A: My trigger was crazy. It was first time I had been back to church since COVID and it was crazy. So I was getting my praise on doing praise and worship, and I turned and looked a couple of rows behind me, and there was a woman in church that had the exact same hair color as my mother. And it's just I even know where it came from. All I saw was the hair color. Triggers are real. Triggers are real. And like Braxton said, just go with it. Go with it. Yes. It is like an ocean. The grief does come in waves. We hear that a lot. Sometimes you got to ride that wave out. No, every time you got to ride that wave out. [01:39:31] Speaker C: There is nothing like family. There's also nothing like living life to its fullest. Mrs. Laverne lived a full circle life. Family consider striving to leave nothing left unsaid and nothing left undone. Laverne Arnetta, Martin Toller, we speak your name and honor you. Happy Mother's Day. Our queen. [01:40:06] Speaker D: You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.