Transition with DeMario McGrew

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories. [00:00:00] Speaker B: Passion. [00:00:01] Speaker A: Alone. Mourn. Guilt. [00:00:03] Speaker B: Loneliness. Regret. Peace. [00:00:06] Speaker A: Relationships. [00:00:07] Speaker B: Unfamiliar. [00:00:08] Speaker A: If you put God first, you'll never be last. [00:00:11] Speaker B: This is grief at the cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. Hello, family, and welcome to grief at the cookout. Today I. I am joined by a very good friend of mine and confidant, Demario McGrew. DiMario hails from the port city of Mobile, Alabama. A graduate of Alabama State University where he received his bachelor's of arts degree, and Florida State University's a solo conservatory where he received his Master of Fine Arts degree, Demario currently resides in New York City where he is an experienced actor, model, and accomplished makeup artist. Join us as we discuss life, relationships, spirituality, death, career, and the bravery to withstand transition. Oh, my lord. Don't it look good? Don't it look good? We have Demario on the podcast. Let me tell y'all something today. I just want y'all to be forewarned that I don't know what's going to be said, but just go with us. [00:01:38] Speaker A: And I know you wish you was. [00:01:40] Speaker B: Here to get a taste, but don't worry. Welcome to the cookout. I'm so glad to have you on. I don't even know what's about to happen, but I'm just excited. I'm sitting in expectation. Oh, you look good. He got on this. Is this mustard or. It's not mustard. It looks very rich. Very rich. Nene could never. Okay, it looks really rich. See what I'm talking about? Look, I'm not going to fool with you. Let me ask you something. All of my guests, we always ask when they come on the podcast, what is your favorite cookout food? [00:02:25] Speaker A: My favorite cookout food is actually, I like a good deviled egg. Of course, when you talk about things that require mayonnaise, that ain't everybody's ministry. Listen, you see what I'm saying? But when it's right, it's right. And when I think about cook our food, of course, I think about like, barbecue beans, potato salad, and then I like the person that can cook that. [00:02:48] Speaker B: Good deviled egg, and that would be him. That thing can make old, nasty devil egg. Made a devil egg, put shrimp inside and shrimp on top. And I said, how did you concoct this? How did you do it? Craftsman. [00:03:03] Speaker A: Get a taste. Get a taste. Get a taste. Eating good with Freddie J. Oh, my goodness. [00:03:11] Speaker B: So on today's episode, y'all, we're talking about transition. My friend has went through a time of transition. A time of transition. I will say that I have admired in his process, because transition is not always easy. And sometimes it could be easy for some. But then with transition comes all of the woes and the ups and the downs and the rights and the lefts and the this and the that. But my friend went through a time of transitioning, and even during recording season one of the podcast, he was going through a great time of transition. And I said, you know what? When this is all over or when it's about over, we going to sit down and we're going to have a talk about this. So this has been a long time coming, but everything happens for a reason. And I'm just so glad that you're here. Let me tell you something. When I think about everything, see, I'm not here to tell your story. I'm going to let you tell it. But I just get so excited. I get so excited because I see where you was and then I see where you are now that I could just dance, dance, dance all night. [00:04:29] Speaker A: Right? [00:04:31] Speaker B: Talk to us a little bit about your season of transitioning. What events took place, whatever you want to share. You ain't got to get too deep. I know all the realty. [00:04:44] Speaker A: Mmhmm. Okay. That's really good. First of all, thank you for having me. I think it's an honor and a privilege for you to ask me to be on your show and even thinking that my story is significant enough to share. I'm very humbled and grateful for the opportunity. And I also thank and celebrate you because I've watched your career expand and expound from city to city and all over the place. And I'm really proud and I celebrate you. And just to be on your show is an honor. So thank you. [00:05:33] Speaker B: My tissue. [00:05:36] Speaker A: Okay. So, I mean, I've had a lot of transition, of course, that happened in my life. First of all, I am from the port city of Mobile, Alabama, the home of Mardi Gras Mobile, Alabama, as we get ready to celebrate fat Tuesday and go into ash Wednesday. But I was born and raised there, and I left home when I was 18 to go to college. And so I would say that was the first piece of transition, just leaving out of the house and becoming an adult. And I have lived all over different parts of the east coast, which when you talk about transition, there's something. When I meet people and I hear them tell their story, especially if they have moved, that is something very brave. When you talk about transition, it's very brave to go to a different place that you don't really know too many people. If you know, anybody at all. I would think about transition for there. When I think about career transition. So a part of when you talk about me leaving away from home, it was really to pursue different goals and different dreams and wherever I was at that particular time in my life. So another transition was that piece going to college, becoming an adult, going to different places, pursuing my dream of being an artist, which is something that I do and that I am as an artist. And I'm sure we'll talk more about just being an artist, which is a pretty open word that can mean different things. That was the first piece of transition. Being an artist comes with, as you probably know, a lot of friendships that you can have meet with different people, especially as you talk about moving around and meeting people that you don't really necessarily know, and strangers become friends and friends become family. So a huge piece of my transition, I would say being an artist, a theater artist at the time, theater then became, turned into me becoming a makeup artist. And I remember living in, living in, I guess, Washington, DC, because I'm going to, I guess, speed up a really long journey that I can just move specifically to me living in Washington, DC. And I remember transitioning. There was another transition that happened literally right into 2020. I would say I had worked a job that I had had being a makeup artist, of course I am, and did freelance work as a makeup artist, but I also worked professionally as a makeup artist for a huge big retailer. I had worked that job, I would say, for 16 years. And I would say this is the job that I grew up with because I remember just transitioning from my early 20s, transitioning into my late twenty s, thirty s, mid thirty s. And I was with this particular company for 16 years. So I even was working with them while I was in undergrad, while I was in graduate school, and even after I finished school, being an artist, of course, specifically, when you talk about, I would say any performing artist, you're always hot up and running while a show is going on. Like if you have a production that's going on, you're good. If you are filming, you're good. If you are just rehearsing and performing, especially if you're getting paid to do this, you're good. But when that show is up, that production is over and you have taken a bow and it's your final curtain call. You know, when you walk up that stage, most of us have to look for work all over again. And sometimes it can come very far and few in between, just depending on a lot of different things. It could depend on where you are in your life. And it can sometimes be about a particular look, because just like you, I'm pretty sure, you know, you've seen people get cast in particular roles, and it's all about a look. It's not necessarily they have the best talent, but they definitely suit a particular need. It could be that particular reason. It can be. I don't know, maybe you're just not that particular type. So for whatever the reason is, you can find yourself sometimes in between jobs for a very long time. So for me, when I was in undergrad, I had, of course, picked up one of the classes that was a part of the curriculum as a theater student was to take stage makeup. And of course, you may take costume designing. You take stage management, stage production. You take lighting design. You take all of these classes, pretty much every aspect of the theater. So one of the things that I really latch onto was I remember taking a makeup class. It was one of my favorite classes that I took. And I used those skills, actually to start working for the retailer that I was particularly talking about while I was in undergrad and got a job. And I was happy that I did because I remember when I finished school, I graduated grad school in Florida, and I moved to Atlanta, Georgia. And I remember hitting the pavement as an actor. And of course, you would get gigs. You'll get bites. But just like I said, once those gigs are over, you're looking for work all over again. And so I remember there was a period of time, like, I had an apartment. I remember at one time I was staying with friends. I remember when I did have an apartment, I would have full time bills, but with a part time job and also having a car as well and trying to put gas in the car. And even though when I look back then, gas isn't as much as it is now, we're always saying, like, gas is expensive. Gas is always expensive no matter what year it is at the time, gas expensive. So trying to do all of that with a part time job, like, I remember, it was just extremely difficult just to try to manage. And then I feel like in a place that I was staying in, you kind of need a car to get around. You need a car. Even just if you do have gigs or have an audition, you need a car to get there and have reliable transportation. So I remember I was so grateful that I had the talent and I honed the skill of being a makeup artist because it was because of that makeup artistry that pretty much it was my source of survival, I would say. And I ended up getting a great job working with a particular company and really clawed my way up to an executive position just from, I remember when I first got hired, I was a freelancer and then worked part time, full time management, and then came to transition to a field executive for that particular company. So just to give some context, because there's a lot of transition, like I said, that has happened over that time. That particular talent and that particular experience and even working those different positions caused me to move around a lot, to have a lot of transition. And even that's how I ended up in the DMV, DC, Maryland, Washington, DC area was because of a particular promotion that I had, and that brought me to DC, met some incredible people, had some great experiences working in DC. And even as a makeup artist, I've supported the Redskin cheerleaders in DC. I've even worked as a makeup artist in the White House for one of the presidential guests that brought me inside of the White House for three days, three consecutive days, to be their personal makeup artist when I was living in DC. So that was an incredible experience just to have that opportunity. And then, so I'm working this job, and I literally rode that job until the wheels literally fell off. My God, that job took me, as I told this story, which might have seemed pretty long, that took me from me being in my 20s, like as a college student, undergrad college student, to now an adult. And like I said, I've worked every single position. I literally stayed with that job and had some great experiences until I was called in and told me that my job and my position no longer exists and pretty much even the territory. So I was an executive for what we know as the mid Atlantic. I was a regional trainer working as executive for a really big cosmetic company. And they said that the mid Atlantic as we know it no longer exists. So the stores that you currently service, it was pretty much like from northern Virginia all the way up to the Pennsylvania that is going to be now considered the Northeast and everything below lower Virginia would be considered the south and the mid Atlantic, which I was responsible for, no longer existed. So my job, after 16 years that had been brought me this far, no longer existed. So that was a huge transition for me, because when I became a professional, I was able to support myself, had some great opportunities. Even though I went into school to be an actor, makeup is still a part of the theater. It's. It's a different part of the theater, of course. So I was very grateful because I was able to express myself as an artist through this particular avenue of theater artistry. It was through my makeup, and it even had got me into some places that I'm not sure being an actor would have gotten me into. Not sure, because there's a lot of actors, and I already told you, there's always those big, long gaps that you don't even have work, that you're just trying to survive. This job really had brought me a long way, and I was devastated when I was told that my job no longer existed. And we worked until we were given a particular deadline. Effective as of this date, which was a few weeks around, your job no longer existed once you reached that particular date. And I remember during that time, that was a real big time of transition, because I had the same job for over 16 years or 16 years, same job, huge transition. What do you do? I didn't even know where to start. During that time, I was hitting the pavement, doing different things. I had even started back going on theater auditions as an actor. It was just a very unsure time. I really didn't know what I was going to do. I was given a particular. Because I was like, my position no longer existed. I was severed. So I had a great severance package that kind of was able to support me and bridge me until the next thing. But that was a very scary time. During that time, I was dating someone, and this is before I was even told to let go. I had started a blooming relationship, and I remember what that felt like. Just to be in a relationship and also to be in a relationship and you're not able to know what your next job is going to be. That was a level of stress. Yeah, because I wasn't raised and never been the type of person that I'm allowing someone to support me or just to have that type of expectation, especially if you're just dating someone. I'm not talking about in a marriage. I'm not talking about in a marriage. [00:20:17] Speaker B: Not a marriage? [00:20:19] Speaker A: No, I'm not talking about in a marriage. Just talking about dating. I don't go in with the expectation that the person that I'm just dating is supposed to support me. That's just right. [00:20:32] Speaker B: Some of you need to learn. [00:20:35] Speaker A: Yeah, of course. I want you to be able to, if need be. But I don't walk in with those types of expectations. I bring my own things to the table. I have things that I bring to the table. So at the end of the day, I can say what may come and what may go. The table that you're dining at I help set it. [00:20:59] Speaker B: All right? And we thank you all for listening today. [00:21:06] Speaker A: So don't forget to set the table that you're dining at. [00:21:09] Speaker B: Oh, don't it look good? [00:21:13] Speaker A: Get a taste. Get a taste. Get a taste. [00:21:18] Speaker B: Let that table work for you. [00:21:22] Speaker A: God is using me. This is solo. Okay? So let me just get back on track, because all of this is very significant. When you're talking about transition. Again, I'm laying foundation because the people that are listening, they don't know me. And so I'm just laying foundation if someone is interested. I don't know if I'm speaking to a person that is an artist. I don't know if I'm speaking to a person that's in a relationship and they may have lost their job. I don't know. So I'm just laying foundation. You see what I'm saying? [00:21:56] Speaker B: Yeah. Because it's important. Because I think the biggest thing, one of the things that I just took away from that even in two things, I'm sorry. That even in something that was very supportive for you, there was still transition. And again, transition is not all necessarily bad or necessarily good. It's indifferent. But the fact that something that carried you such a long way that you had transition fell from underneath you. [00:22:30] Speaker A: That's right. [00:22:30] Speaker B: So now it's okay. Now, this is a different form of transition that I'm dealing with. But this is also that thing that helps us to allow if transition is the changing of one state or the conditioning of something that we always cannot get too comfortable in the situations that we're in, because we never know when transition affects kicks into high gear. I feel like we should always be transitioning at some point in our lives. We should always want to be a better version of ourselves. That is transition. But transition comes in different ways. And sometimes it can come in a huge wave that overtakes you and you're trying to figure out, that's right. Where you get your breath. [00:23:20] Speaker A: That's right. And how can you survive? How am I get my next meal right? Come on. How are you going to pay the rent when all the money is spent? Look on the pantry shelf. [00:23:33] Speaker B: Got no open refrigerator door. Got just a little bit more. [00:23:43] Speaker A: And I'm going to tell you what you ought to do. [00:23:45] Speaker B: Come on. They don't like that kind of teaching. But you know what you got to do. [00:23:49] Speaker A: Yeah. Because also doing this transition and all of those things, even though it might feel like I'm just blabbering, that also built my relationship with God because I started knowing him through these transition, when I was in places that I didn't know anybody, when I have to trust strangers, when I'm even giving my heart to individuals romantically and they forsake me, they betray me, and I don't have anybody to depend on but God. And my parents were not around, and my grandmother, who raised me, was not around. That's how I also built that type of relationship with God. Because I can truly say, if it had not been for the Lord on my side, where would I be during these transitions when I'm all alone, when I didn't have any friends or when I didn't have anybody or when I didn't have a job, this is also me. How I get to know who God is for me, not with, not the Bible stories or not the God that my family knew or my grandmother knew or my pastor knew, this is the God that I know for myself. [00:25:05] Speaker B: I know for myself. And I like how you shed a light just on that alone, because again, even through how you were set or the idea, the thought that, look, I've been set. I've been blessed to have all of this that I have to go through and be in places and spaces where my name has reached but I haven't walked in. And then I'm able to finally walk through a door and to receive the blessings that God has for me and how that has influenced your relationship and your foundation and your spiritual foundation and your foundation of trust in who you believe and carries you through to only now get to a place where it's like sometimes God is funny. [00:26:02] Speaker A: That's right. [00:26:02] Speaker B: Because that's one of those things now that when you get to this place of space where the floor has fallen from underneath you, it's okay, how did I get here? You got all of these questions, but then how am I going to survive? How are you going to carry me through? And the fact that I'm able to speak on this is because this is something that I just went through. [00:26:25] Speaker A: Absolutely. I'm going to stick a pen because we got to come back to the relationship piece because that's going to take me through another piece of transition. And also, since we're on the topic of spiritual health, wealth, I remember during that time of transition how significant I found the black church to be. Because during the time of even all of the stories, me growing up, going through college, especially undergrad, all through grade school, I had been around black people. I had a rich community of black people that were always around me. I even went to an HBCU for undergrad. Black people was always so everything was always from the black point of view. You see what I'm saying? And I always had community elementary, middle school, even high school. I went to performing arts high school, predominantly African Americans in the community. When I finished undergrad, I remember I had moved to Arkansas to go to the University of Arkansas. I started graduate school there, and I was there on a full scholarship. And this was, I want to say, 2005. I was their first african American in their graduate theater program. I was the first one. And we're talking about 2005. I remember it was such a culture shock because that was the first time I had only been around that. I was not around predominantly black people. That was my first time, and that was a very interesting time. And not only in the community, there was no a lot of black people, but I was the only black person also. I was the first african american theater student in that program. So I didn't have peers. So I remember how difficult it was even when I would go to class, and let's just say we're doing, as you know, we're doing script analysis. Okay. How would you particularly play a role? Why would someone make these actions? What is the action of this particular character and themes and all of that? And so I remember, because of how I was raised, of course I'm going to play this character complete. I would play this character completely different than anybody in this room. And of course, I would have to talk about line and page why. But also, if I'm playing it, I got to put some of my background of some of my things that I've experienced as well, to play it a particular way. And I remember my point of view was always different from everybody in the room. And I remember how difficult and how challenging everyone thought I was because my point of view was so different. I found myself being really lonely. I felt so isolated because I didn't have any community, and not just at the school, but like I said, in the actual community as well. I remember at the time, bald now, but I remember I used to have hair. And I remember going around just trying to find a black barbershop just to cut my hair, and I didn't see one. I remember going to the mall, and I'm like, okay, I know it's got to be some of my people in. It's got to be the foot locker. Where's the champs? And I remember going to the mall. I'm like, I just need to know where to go get a haircut. I was trying to connect with find a community, go to the shoe store, no black people. I remember even getting in my car, driving around, going to different areas, even like the housing project. Where are the black people? And I remember I didn't even see them in the housing project or anywhere that I drove to where I was just trying to see community. But I remember there was a black guy at the school. Now I was at the University of Arkansas. I said I was their first black student in their graduate theater program. I remember there was an undergrad guy that was at the university. And I remember asking him, like, where can I even just go to church? And he gave me the address, the name and address to his church, and there were the black people. And at that moment, the black church had a completely different meaning for me. It wasn't just the place where I went to worship and praise God, but this was also the place that had community like minded individuals. And our struggles are very significant. When we were talking about the story earlier, like, how God has been through me, but at that moment, that was very pivotal for me, because how important community is for me, and how important it is, especially to have community in the black church right now, going back to me dating someone and me leaving that job, that was a huge piece of transition. [00:32:29] Speaker B: As he sips his water. [00:32:35] Speaker A: And that was also a very trying time doing a relationship. So that job ended in 2019. Of course, this is rolling around into 2020, and we all know how the world shut down in 2020. So right before everything shuts down in 2020, I'm looking for a job. Looking for a job. Couldn't find one. But I was still. And this is another reason why how God is good. A part of my severance was to stay. I was technically still employed, or I stayed on payroll, but my job title had changed to a consultant. So I was still pretty much on payroll. And that was able to get me through. Showing you how good God is. Get me through until I was able to find my new job. Right? Got hired at the top of 2020. As soon as I get hired, I do, like, a week of training in this position, and the world shuts down. Now you're talking about a huge transition right there because I was the last one to get hired. And usually when you're the last one to get hired, if they need to let somebody go, you're the first one that they let go. And I'm talking about that because, of course, when everything shut down, we're just thinking it's going to be just for a few weeks. It ended up being several months that everything was pretty much shut down until, like, I know, June, they started. I know particularly my job started to slowly open back up. But during that time, I was really stressed out because of everything that was happening. I think we were all stressed out. The world shut down. I also had just got this job. So I'm thinking I'm about to get let go. I'm in a relationship. And during that time, my grandmother, who was very significant in my life, also started to get very ill. And I remember how tough and difficult and how just overall stressful all of this was. And I really needed support in all directions. I think we all needed support during that time. But I remember dating someone that I was stressed out because I just got a new job, but everything shut down. My grandmother's very deathly sick. And then also at that time, I found out that my partner at that time was, like, cheating and how tough all of that was. I didn't. I know. I didn't really know what to do. I know one. One particular thing was there were some certain things that I could not control, but one thing that I could control was being the stress that I was having from this particular relationship. And I remember having to let that go. It was a hard stop because of all of the things that was going on. The last thing I needed to deal with right now was someone being deceitful and finding other pleasurable things outside of their relationship. [00:36:37] Speaker B: Sandy Odobosa, help us so, God. [00:36:46] Speaker A: Yeah, so that was tough while all this going on. Like I said, my grandmother was starting to fade away. And then she, of course, eventually passed away while we were out. I remember they did start letting people go at work. They let go pretty much huge, like, over 30 people on my team. They just let them all go. My grandmother passed away talking about a transition, and, of course, I had ended a relationship. All of those things were big, huge transitions for me. My grandmother, and I have to give her tribute to her, because I was raised by two powerful women, my mother and my grandmother. And my grandmother was definitely very supportive of me because I was like the first grandchild for her. She literally was like a second mother. And we raised in a house with her. And I remember how tough it was when I remember, because she suffered. She lived a great life. She lived until she was 90 years old, an amazing life. But I remember towards the end, my grandmother really suffered. And I remember when she finally did pass away, it was like, that was for me. I didn't want to see her suffering anymore. So to see her transition, I was very happy that she could have some peace, that her body could have some rest. But I remember just how tough that was for our family because she's the matriarch of the family. Yeah. So that was a really tough time. Any specific questions? [00:38:57] Speaker B: No. Every time I get a guest on here or a friend of mine, you just never know. This. This podcast has been created to bring healing to our culture, to bring healing to our community, but also to normalize our grief and to normalize what we go through, because a lot of us don't have the outlet to talk. But I'm a strong believer that we overcome by the power of our testimony. And it's also a thing that others need to hear what other people are going through because they can relate. And just listening to all of this and me knowing what was going on, but now sitting now outside of the vehicle and standing, I feel like I'm standing outside of a vehicle looking at what you've been through and seeing that all of this was happening in the mist. Now, let me tell you something. This was all happening while this individual, who I consider is my makeup artist, okay. Was helping me prep for a show. I was prepping for kinky boots, and that was around the same time before the pandemic and was helping me figure out what I'm going to do for my face and this and that, and has always been helping me. And I knew a little bit of everything that was going on, but to look at it in the larger scheme of things and in the bigger picture to see, okay, I going through this transition with my job, I'm going through this transition with my grandmother, I'm going through this transition with the person that I'm dating and then entering to another job and all of that, and you still have time to help people. Shows the type of character that you are, shows the type of person that you are. And I think that in times of transition, that because it tests our ability on how we move, it tests our response. And I think a lot of times, and for those who do believe in God and those who believe in a certain type of higher power, I say for myself that God is always looking at my response to the things. It's not about how I, you know, how necessarily, and, you know, about how I feel like I don't feel good about the situation. I'm a little pissed off about the situation. I'm angry, I'm mad. I have all of these feelings. But what is my response to the situation when things have to be done? How do I keep pressing. And the thing with being african american and being black in America, it is so exhausting. And we have learned and it is ingrained in our dna on how to persevere through rough times. We see that with our ancestors. We saw that with our great grandparents and great uncles and great aunts who were slaves, how they persevered. Someone was dying before their eyes, but they still had to get the freedom. You know what I mean? Those are the type of things that are ingrained. And can we just be honest and say that we as a race of people and have always been in transition, nothing has ever settled for us. No, I mean, for. Even for you to be in a place where you are the only african American, where you're the first, and that is a huge transition mentally, for someone to realize, okay, this is what I need, how am I going to get it? And for the fact that you were even persistent in I need to find. My community says a whole lot. I have been in places and spaces where I am the only black person, where I am one of four or one, or three or one, or one. Where I had to fight my way to show you that we are here. [00:43:40] Speaker A: Yeah. And have a voice. [00:43:42] Speaker B: And have a voice. But then I always have to go back to my community, whether that looks like I'm calling home, whether that looks like I'm talking to friends, whether that means I've gone across the way to make friends who were black and people who understood me, because the greater caucasian race does not understand us. And that's just what the truth is. And we have to do a lot of education. So being exhausting is black. Being black is exhausting. You know what I mean? And being exhausted. Okay. Hello. Put that on a shirt. But to look at everything that you've been through, and I didn't even have to ask you any questions because you just went straight into it. You told your story. My question to you is, now that you are out, let me not say out, because I don't know how you feel right now, but now that those ebbs and flows of what you were going through have subsided to a degree, do you still feel that you are in a time of transition? [00:44:57] Speaker A: Absolutely. Yeah. I don't think the transition ends. I think when you stop transitioning, it's like you stop growing. And if you stop growing, someone said that you're dead. [00:45:12] Speaker B: Jesus. [00:45:14] Speaker A: You're constantly transitioning. I'm transitioning from being from good to better and from better to best transition. You're transitioning because I'm trying to be a better person every single day. I want to do right by my family. I want to do right by my children. I want to do right by my community. I want to do right by my ancestors. So what can I do to be better? It's a constant transition. You have to constantly want more, want better, especially when better exists and better is out there. And so it's best, good, better, best. Never let them rest. Good is better. [00:45:58] Speaker B: Come on with the quotes. Okay, now, how long have we known each other? Because I'm bad. [00:46:06] Speaker A: Wow. So that was when I first transitioned to the DMV. So that was back since 2015, and. [00:46:13] Speaker B: You met me when I was going through death in my. [00:46:16] Speaker A: Yes, you were. Yes, you were. Yeah. [00:46:22] Speaker B: It's just interesting to know this is a friend that will always be in my life to see how you were able to maneuver through your issues. And let me tell you something. This joker right here ain't going to sit and tell you everything. And not that he has to, but I admonish people to go and get you friendships like these, friendships where people are independent, where you can be yourself, where people can hold you accountable, and where you feel like you don't owe something to a friendship, that it gels and it meshes together, because these are the type of people that we are. When you got to go through a bunch of mess with your friends, you need to rethink that. We've never had a falling out. No, we've never had an argument because we understand who we are. [00:47:38] Speaker A: That's right. [00:47:40] Speaker B: Never. Nothing where nothing has ever arose, where it's just like, I can't stand you, I can't deal with you. It's nothing like that. [00:47:49] Speaker A: That's respect, though. We have respect for each other because the thing is, and throughout these years, we don't always agree. We don't have to agree, but there's always harmony. We know how to disagree but still have respect for one another and respect each other's space. And even just to say, hey, we're going to agree to disagree, we're going to move on, but most of the time, we always. [00:48:09] Speaker B: We always agree. That does not exist. We always agree. And then we have to do a lot of circling back around because we have to make sure. [00:48:24] Speaker A: We got to dissect that thing. [00:48:26] Speaker B: We got to dissect that thing and really understand. But what I found is a confidant in this friend, and for you to sit here and just talk about your experience and even be transparent about your transition and what you've been through, again, says a lot about your character, and I thank you, because someone is blessed on today. Someone is blessed by the power of your testimony. They don't like that kind of teaching. But you know what you got to do? [00:48:58] Speaker A: We got to teach it anyway. [00:49:00] Speaker B: You got to teach it anyway. [00:49:01] Speaker A: Now, nobody. [00:49:04] Speaker B: One thing that we have in common, I mean, we have a lot in common, but one of the things that has always touched me and I would like for you to share with the listeners is during this time, where you were dealing with relationship and job at jobs and dealing with the death of your grandmother. I, too, have lost my grandmother as well. And how. Okay, can I share one little piece? He did the makeup for his grandmother. Beautiful. I didn't do my grandmother's makeup, but I planned her service, so I knew what kind of strength that took to do that. I was the one that had to go into the room. My mother go in the room, ask her what she wants. Da da da. Why me? Why do I have to do it? So I felt like I was the rock and the strong one. I felt like I was my grandmother's bodyguard. [00:50:13] Speaker A: That's right. [00:50:14] Speaker B: I rode down to the morgue with her body, with the nurses, because I needed to make sure that you all were putting her away the correct way. Can you just talk a little bit about the strength that you found in what you did for your grandmother? [00:50:34] Speaker A: Absolutely. I like to put stuff in context and give you a little bit of foundation. So during this time, when. When everything shut down, hospitals had also shut down. Like, people couldn't even go and see their family, friends, and loved ones in the hospital. I remember the day because it happened abruptly. My grandmother had went into the hospital, and my mother, who is my grandmother's only child, would go to the hospital every single day throughout the day, sometimes go home for a couple of hours, just, like, to just shower, refresh, and then come back to the hospital. And I remember when my mother called me, she said she left, went home to shower and change clothes and to come back, and she didn't get access into the hospital because literally, they were not allowing. Because they didn't know what Covid was and what it was capable of. They just knew a lot of people were dying, especially people that already had compromised immune systems or health challenges. And I remember how devastating that was for my mother and I, specifically my mother. But I also wanted to see my grandmother. I remember one of the things I remember when that happened, I wanted to see, because at that moment, we kind of knew that my grandmother, if she didn't have a particular surgery, which she opted out of having, that she was not going to be living long, and she was very well aware, and she said, no, I'm not having it. And so we respected that. So I knew I just wanted to kind of go home. But with the hospitals being closed, I couldn't even go home to see my grandmother because if I went home, I wouldn't be able to get in hospital. It reached a place where they put my grandmother in hospice. That actually kind of was a relief because at hospice, it's considered end of life. And that was like the exception to the rules of people that could have visitors. And when my grandmother went into hospice, I finally was able to fly down to see her. And I was very excited. And my grandmother was very strong. And I remember she was talking. She was in great spirit, was in some pain, but she was in great spirit. And I would spend the night with her, and we would just have these. I would just be in this space with her, and we would talk and just have a really good time with each other. When my grandmother went in the hospice, the director of the facility had a meeting with us and said that my grandmother was not dying enough, dying fast enough, and she was refusing to take pain medication, and they were going to have to release her from out of the facility because she was, like, doing fine. And I remember how devastating that was because she was dying. But for them to tell us that she wasn't dying fast enough and they were going to pretty much kick my grandmother out, that was just very difficult. So we had to find another facility that I was a huge part of organizing that just so that my grandmother could have the care that she needed, because she needed, like, around the clock, click around the clock care. And I was only there for a small bit of time because I was still employed. Even though everything was shut down, it was like I had keys to the store that I was managing at the time, and it was like, you can't be. But in the event that we get the call to say, hey, we're opening up, you need to be close by. So I had to eventually go back home. My mother also was not able to take care of my grandmother 24 hours a day because she also had a job. So it was like we had to find another facility. So I had to organize that. And I. It did become a time when my grandmother really started to decline, where she would just started to sleep all day. And like I said, because she did not have this particular type of surgery, her body definitely was breaking down much faster. So I was with her to see her through that transition of, from leaving out of the hospital to this hospice unit, them telling her that she was not dying fast enough, that they were going to move her or they were going to have to release her. So I was able to kind of transition her to this new facility that took great care of her. She started to really start to decline. And I remember when I got the call that she finally transitioned. Like I said, I was more, I guess, relieved because my granddaughter really suffered towards that latter part, and my mother lost it. And I had to really kind of step in and be the strength during that time. And very similar to your story, where I had to really step in and kind of, like, organize everything, organizing just the program, and even just getting the program design and picking out her wardrobe. Because my grandmother, like I said, she knew that if she didn't have that surgery, she was going to die. So she told us certain things that she wanted, even like, what she wanted to wear, and she actually had it picked, and she told us where it was, and it was picked out. But because she had lost a significant amount of weight, the outfit that she wanted to wear, it was way too big. And I remember even just, like, ordering the outfit. And at that time, because Covid was going on, the mail was running so slow. And I remember telling the lady that, I'm not sure. I was like, she used to wear this size, but she doesn't wear this size anymore. I wasn't sure what size she wore. And then the lady was like, well, if I send you this outfit, because I was telling her what was going on and why I needed the outfit, and she told me that she would not return that outfit if I took it and if it wasn't the right size, she was not. So I remember just trying to organize all of these things and all of the details, and there were certain things that significance, that there were certain things that my grandmother wanted, and just trying to organize all of that. So I felt like when it came to her makeup and even her hair, I knew the essence of how my grandmother was. And that was something that even if I told a funeral director, they probably could come close, but it would not be the essence. I was there as a little boy, and I would watch my grandmother get ready for church and what that was like to see her from her waking up in the morning until her doing her routine and how she would do her hair, how she would do her makeup. And my grandmother didn't wear a lot of makeup, but church was one of those things. Again, it's a community thing. Even if black people, even when people are, even when we go to a funeral, it's a community event. We put forth effort to go. So I remember those times and how she would style her hair and even the type of perfume that she would wear. I can remember those things. And hearing her with her stockings on, swishing around the house and hearing what that sound like. I knew all of those things. A funeral director would not be able to those elements, right? And I remember being there, putting on her makeup, putting on her foundation. I knew everything that she wore. I actually gave her a lot of the makeup that she would wear. So I knew specifically what she wore, how she wore, how much she put on. She didn't do any eyeshadow, but she always had a particular type of lip. She always had a particular hue of blush that she would always wear. And I remember the very last thing that I did when I was done doing her makeup was that I sprayed on her perfume before, almost like that was, like, the complete thing. But when I was done doing her makeup, I took her favorite bottle of perfume, and I was able to spray that on her as well. And those types of things gave me closure because my grandmother had spent. And I never thought about this, but that was like a moment, a 360 moment, because I remember being a child, my mother may have already been at work, and my grandmother, and I'm talking about, like, a toddler, she would get me ready for daycare. She would even put my clothes on before I was old enough to dress myself. I have a very vivid memory of her getting me ready and us getting ready for church growing up as a child. So that last moment of me getting her ready and even just going to the moment of spraying her favorite fragrance, because my grandmother. And that's a thing about me, a lot of people that know me, I love a good fragrance, and that's because. [01:01:15] Speaker B: Yes. [01:01:18] Speaker A: I love a good fragrance, and I love good quality fragrance. But a lot of that is because that's the significance of my grandmother, how she groomed me. And even when we show up somewhere, one of her things, we ain't going nowhere half stepping, is what she used to say. We ain't no Rudy poots, and we not going nowhere half stepping. Yes. So she always made sure. I don't know, my grandmother didn't always have, like, I didn't come from a rich background or a lot of money, but it was rich with love. And everything that I needed growing up, I had because of my mother and my grandmother, who we call big mama, and because she was big mama, and for me to be able to get her ready to put her makeup on and to spray her fragrance, because she would buy me fragrance growing up, even as a little boy, she gave me fragrance. And that's one of the things that even now I remember just as a child, you would know, even when I grew up and would leave out of the house and would go out, I knew if my grandmother, I can probably tell you where she was going. When I walked in the house and I smell fragrance, I can tell the type of place she was going to. If she wasn't there, I knew she was going to the grocery store, or if I knew she was actually going to the event, if I walked in the house and I smelled all that perfume. [01:02:48] Speaker B: She headed to the banquet. [01:02:50] Speaker A: Yeah, I know she was going to the banquet, as she used to say, the banquet. But yeah, that was like closing for me. And it was an honor to do that. It was an honor to do that. I didn't know because I had thought about it. Because when you know that someone is dying, also, it's a privilege to know when someone is transitioning out. That's a privilege because I think about when people just abruptly die or somehow, some way their life is taken. I think about those things when they just leave out of the house thinking that they're going to come back and they don't, and they don't have the opportunity to see that person transition. Transitioning is an honor. It's a privilege to transition or to see the movement from being from one place to another, the transition. [01:03:51] Speaker B: Family. It's very important that we don't associate transition with the negative connotation. But for a chance to learn, grow, and show the resilience that is within, consider joy in the midst of the storm. You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.