Queen Protection with Iyona Blake

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories. Passion alone. Mourn. [00:00:03] Speaker B: Guilt. Loneliness. [00:00:04] Speaker A: Regret. [00:00:05] Speaker B: Peace. Relationships unfamiliar. [00:00:08] Speaker A: If you put God first, you'll never be last. [00:00:11] Speaker B: This is grief at the cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. Hello, family, and welcome to grief at the cookout. Today I am yet again joined by my big sister, Ayana Blake. Ayana Blake is the founder and CEO of her Cause, Inc. A 501 nonprofit organization providing black women and other women of color increased access to mental health resources through education, advocacy, and creativity. Ayanna is an expert in amplifying the voices and experiences of african american, Afro Latina, and Afro native women. Ayanna is a critically acclaimed playwright and has written and directed plays for children and adults, including Girls of Madison Street, Blight Flight, and her latest piece currently on tour, diagnosed Ayanna Blake has been called a Renaissance woman. This loving wife and mom, artist, educator, podcaster, sister, conversations, playwright and entrepreneur has been chosen by God to use her voice to heal, empower, and elevate. Tune in as we discuss women's voices, empowerment, transformation and restoration. Exploring the impact of pride on women and the challenges of finding balance and protecting boundaries. Come on, lip. Oh, I'm sitting here talking with the rebel with the call, the great, the great Ayanna Blake. Thank you for joining me again here on the cook. Come on. [00:02:09] Speaker A: What we having? [00:02:11] Speaker B: I don't know. I'm just about to ask you what we have in today, because I don't know, I think I'm feeling a little fried catfish. Yeah, fried catfish, little hot sauce, maybe some potato salad. [00:02:25] Speaker A: Some potato salad. Got to have my baked beans. [00:02:30] Speaker B: Okay. [00:02:33] Speaker A: I'm even feeling a bit of brisket. A little brisket. Got to have your corn on the cob. We're going to put some pork chops on the grill. [00:02:58] Speaker B: Grill, yeah. I like that. Season them nice. [00:03:01] Speaker A: And, you know, why not some shrimp kebabs, okay. [00:03:14] Speaker B: With a little red pepper, green. [00:03:16] Speaker A: All of that. Yeah. [00:03:21] Speaker B: Well, there you go. That's your plate for today. And a nice glass of iced Tea. [00:03:26] Speaker A: Well, I'm not a tea girl, but I definitely will have some lemonade chilled on ice. [00:03:35] Speaker B: Chilled on ice. [00:03:36] Speaker A: Yes. Can you hear that fan? [00:03:38] Speaker B: Yeah, a little bit. Okay, a little bit. [00:03:42] Speaker A: But listen, I just want you to know that when you hear it, I'm going through a menopausal moment. We cannot. [00:03:50] Speaker B: Oh, that's fine. [00:03:51] Speaker A: Okay. And so I got a little warm. Talking about the park. Got a little warm. So I had to turn on my fan because I got a little warm. I'm going through the change, the change. [00:04:05] Speaker B: Of life and recovering from those allergy. [00:04:08] Speaker A: Shots, because I know 70 injections. [00:04:14] Speaker B: Yeah, that's about right. [00:04:16] Speaker A: It took everything in my power not to snatch that girl. [00:04:21] Speaker B: Yeah, and they just line it up and down your arm just like this. [00:04:24] Speaker A: And she said, ms. Blake, I'm going to go. I'm going to set the timer for ten minutes. I said, if she set this timer one more time, three rounds. Three rounds, 70 injections. [00:04:39] Speaker B: You just did environmental. Did you do food? Did they take your food? [00:04:43] Speaker A: Just environmental. And turns out I'm allergic to a lot of the saints. [00:04:50] Speaker B: Listen, you allergic to a lot of that bs. You all can see her face, baby. [00:05:00] Speaker A: When she said I was allergic to cockroaches, I said, what? Huh? You testing for the saints? [00:05:15] Speaker B: I'm surprised they ain't have snakes up. [00:05:17] Speaker A: There where they said I was allergic to the grass. [00:05:22] Speaker B: Yeah, that's it. You just like me. That's why I can't deal with no bull. Let me not cuss on this podcast. I can't deal with the bull. But you know what? Speaking of that. So look, we're talking about queen, queen protection. And I really want to garner. This is a conversation, this is going to happen a couple of few times, but we're talking about queen protection now. We're just talking about these allergy shots. Now, talk to the ladies real quick about how it is truly important that you know what you're allergic to. That's a two fold question. I'm just saying. I mean, come on now. [00:06:07] Speaker A: Well, let me say this. In my 45 years of life, thank you, Lord. Allergies change. Yeah, we change. And if you're going to talk anything about a woman, then you know that your 20 year old self is not your 30 year old self, it's not your 40 year old self, it's not your 60 year old self, and so on. Yes, I skipped 50. I know how to count. But you know that we evolve, we change. And so as you change your tolerance change, your tolerance changes, your capacity changes, relationships change, your bodies change, and I immediately think about everything must change. This is for nothing. [00:07:27] Speaker B: Stay the same everywhere with you. But is it also safe to say that along with tolerance, that the expectation. [00:07:44] Speaker A: Well, it has to. It has to. Because when you find out more and more who you. Oh, I have a very good quote. Hold on. From my therapist. Shout out to Sis Shirley. [00:08:05] Speaker B: Come on, Sis Shirley. [00:08:07] Speaker A: So every week, it's a fabulous quote. And this was a couple of weeks ago, and she said, if you can change the definition, you can change the expectation. Wow. [00:08:27] Speaker B: Now let me ask you something because I'm going to just be honest with you. We just going to be bouncing around because this is like phone call. [00:08:34] Speaker A: Absolutely. And you're my brother and I'm your sister, and that's what we do. And it's conversation. Right. [00:08:41] Speaker B: Yeah. With changing the expectation, is it the duty of. Let me. Not because I don't want it to mansplain it, but do you feel that you have to explain that I've changed my expectation? [00:09:01] Speaker A: People will know it. People will know it. They will know it because you change. And as I have matured, my definitions of people changed. [00:09:28] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:28] Speaker A: And so to go along with Sis Shirley, then my expectations changed because if we're not friends, I'm not going to call you friend. If we're associates, then I'm going to call you associate. And then my expectations, if you're an associate, I can't expect you to be a friend. [00:10:01] Speaker B: Oh, you coming up somebody? [00:10:03] Speaker A: So she said, for an example, you're not going to give a two year old keys to drive your car because we know that a two year old cannot drive a car. And so a lot of us are giving keys to the two year old expecting them to drive a car, and that's not their capability. [00:10:34] Speaker B: Yeah, but how can our ladies get to a place where they don't feel like that? They have to explain because I think that sometimes you have women that feel like they have to explain where they're at rather than walking in. Who they. [00:10:53] Speaker A: Well, that comes with maturity. That comes with maturity. That comes with maturity. That comes with you deciding whether or not I owe you an explanation. Some people, there may be a family member that you say, hey, that's not me anymore. I don't indulge in that anymore. And so as a result, I can't go there with you because the newer me, the more mature, the more seasoned. Yeah. That's not a place that I frequent or those are not people that I decide to entertain. Other people, you don't owe them an explanation. They just know when you don't come around anymore that perhaps you should probably stop inviting me to your brunch. [00:12:11] Speaker B: I love the ladies. I have my fair share of women on this podcast because I believe that our queens, and that's what we're going to call them today, because that's what you are. You're my queen. And I feel as if sometimes their voices are not heard even in the most simplistic conversations, if you understand what I'm saying. Women are making their own mark, and I just feel like not that it is my duty, but because I was raised by a strong woman, that I always have to have the voice of a black woman, because I always want to know, and I always want to hear the reasoning why. And it's just something about that sage, that wisdom, almost as if I love my grandmother. And so having that sage and that wisdom, women are able to make you look at situations differently. And when you're a black male growing up in a home where you just have a single mother and she's able to do everything for you, teach you life lessons, and send you on your way, it's just one of those things where I have to always have that voice because it's something about that wisdom that I'm going to be honest, not all the men can give that wisdom. It's something about the woman, the bosom, what's inside of them when they're able to give it. [00:13:52] Speaker A: Well, I think that there are many characteristics of a woman that we were made to be detailed oriented. We were made to be nurturers. We were made to be that emotional being, that part of the brain that says, I have that inner intuition. Let's investigate that. We're detectives. We're providers. I'm old school, as you know. So I believe that there is a place for the man, and he is to be celebrated, and he is to be honored as the king. But there is definitely a place for the woman. We are supreme court justice. We are vice presidents of the United States. We are entrepreneurs. We are heads. We're ceos. We're turning votes and turning completely votes. Complete vote. The voice that changes the outcome of serious things out here in these streets. And so shame on whoever that thinks that we don't matter, because we do. You mentioned I'm a rebel with a cause. One of my. I love that idols is the Nina Simone, who folks thought that her job was to just sit at the piano and play and write songs. No, she was an activist. And without her, without the Billie holidays, who we thought that she was just an alcohol and a junkie. No, she was instrumental in the civil rights. You have your Michelle Obama's, who wasn't just the armpiece of our first black president, but she was his support. She was his pillow talk, honey. That said far more than any of his advisors could possibly say to the first black president. So our voice matters. The lens that we see things happening is very different than a man. And the world is just now getting a little bit of understanding of how valuable we are. Still not where we need to be. Let's be very clear, because we're still at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to pay. We're still at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to respect. We have some work to do, but I think we've come a long way in valuing the voice of the woman. The black woman. I can speak for her. [00:17:47] Speaker B: The black woman. [00:17:47] Speaker A: I can only speak for her. [00:17:50] Speaker B: That's right. You mentioned what? Was there a moment? Because let me tell you something. Ayanna Blake don't play. Okay? Now, the woman is a sega. The woman is creator, an entrepreneur. You heard everything that she does. I mean this when I say, I have met a lot of women who do a lot for a lot of women, but this woman right here is very strategic in how she goes about supporting women, how she gives them a voice in her writings, in her plays. It's very strategic, and it's definitely needed, especially for mental health. And you mentioned voice. Was there an instant or a moment, and I'm pretty sure it was, or a situation where you found your voice? Because I really want to encourage, if you can encourage black women to really walk in, not just their full potential, which I believe that is something that you do, you encourage that, and you push women to that, but also to walk in who God created them to be. [00:19:10] Speaker A: Well, in all honesty, I have been using my voice all my life, and sometimes many times as a young girl, I was in trouble for using my voice, because I was the social butterfly, and I was the one that just had to say it in the class, whether it was to my friends or to the teacher. Lord have mercy. Yeah, I used my voice and came home and probably got a good popping cross that mouth. My mother stayed on my mouth. She stayed on these lips. She was queen of driving in the front seat, and I'm in the back seat, and she would reach back. That reach back. [00:20:18] Speaker B: Pump that mouth. Yeah. [00:20:20] Speaker A: With them nails that reach back. And still driving. Now, the ability to reach back and still driving the car and be able to come across my mouth, turn right back around and still drive. So shout out to Andra Louise. [00:20:47] Speaker B: Hey, ma. [00:20:50] Speaker A: The mouth has been used for a long time, and there were times that I would say used in situations that I'm not happy about. I was talking to someone that knew me. I'm going to say the old Ayana, he called me, knew me when. Me a librarian. [00:21:27] Speaker B: Yeah, you still live a librarian. She just me in a nice section of the books. You still read somebody to film. [00:21:40] Speaker A: And I remember and to be honest, I was like, oh, my God. Because he gave an instant, and I was like, oh, that was terrible. That was terrible. But it wasn't until life shifted. And I mentioned this on an episode when I was with you before that life shifted for me. And my husband and I separated, and my career took off even more in this area in the way of musical theater. My writing picked up. It's funny how life will shift you into places that you're like, oh, I didn't know that was in me. But brokenness can bring out a whole bunch of stuff. And so it was in that period that I was alone. I was lonely, productive, creative, spending time with different roles that introduced a new part of who I was. I was able to see parallels between me and roles, and that was when I was really starting to see myself in its most naked form. And then, fast forward, the pandemic came about. My husband and I rekindled, reconciled, and that's when I was like, okay, I've been to hell and back, lost friends, lost relationships, lost a lot. But even in the losing, God showed me there was so much to gain. And in the gaining was my voice. The pandemic happened, and I couldn't make money at church. I couldn't make money in the theaters. I couldn't make money everywhere. I made money shut down. And so when everybody else was having their little couch concerts, I was pissed. Dicala, sit up. What is your problem? [00:25:00] Speaker B: Not the couch concerts, please. [00:25:03] Speaker A: When the saints were. I mean, you could. [00:25:06] Speaker B: Yes, I know what you mean. [00:25:08] Speaker A: I remember was a couch concert, and I was just like, this is absurd. People are dying. This is silly. I'm angry. I'm depressed. And I heard God say, clearly, you don't have to just use your voice for the stage. Yeah, you don't have to just use your voice to sing. I put my podcast together. Sister conversations. [00:25:40] Speaker B: Sister conversations with Ayanna Blake. [00:25:44] Speaker A: That is when I began to feel a freedom in my voice. And the freedom in my voice came about because I was able to take the narrative back. And so all of the people, we don't acknowledge those folks that had a part in trashing your name and trashing your family's name, we don't give them any play. You just simply tell your own story and tell it in a way that gives you the power back. And in that, I started to see how women were sending me messages saying, oh, my God. My husband and I were separated, and nobody knew. And your story helped me. Oh, my God. I deal with mental health issues, and I was so embarrassed to say something. And your sharing of your testimony made me go to therapy, made me find a therapist. Oh, my gosh. And so it was the freedom in my voice that said, you know what? I'm going to tell it. And I'm free to say that. I deal with mental health illness. I deal with mental health challenges. I'm on medication, I go to a therapist, and I love Jesus, and he loves me. And I'm creative. My mission and my message is to women to say, hey, girl, hold your head up. Yeah, we have some afflictions, but we use that to energize. We use that to ignite. We use that to type those chapters to our own stories, the real version. And we bring our communities with us. We bring our husbands with us. We bring our partners with us. We bring our children with us. Gone are the days that we move in silence because it's taboo and it's embarrassment, and it's no. I wear that badge with honor to say, yeah, I've been to hell and back, but, baby, I look better, I feel better. I'm down 20 pounds chow. The way I move my hips is better. The way I walk into the room is better. The way I do business is better. My head is clearer, and I'm able to offer so much to my community as a result. [00:28:52] Speaker B: Because I'm a phenomenal. [00:28:58] Speaker A: Are how. [00:29:00] Speaker B: How were you able to. Okay, I'm be honest, even meeting Ayanna, because I had the fanboy out the first time, I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God, it's Ayanna Blake. Mind you, I just saw her do the billie holiday story, one woman show, and I was just like, oh, my goodness, it's the Ayanna Blake. And I'm like, oh, my know, losing my brain now. It's like raspberry. But even meeting you at that time, I didn't even know that you were separated. And I think I said this before. I never knew that you were separated. I was like, oh, this woman has another apartment. Got the dog. This is where she goes home, sees her husband. This is where she is. This is what I was thinking in my head. Yeah, she just has apartments. Just easy for her to get to rehearsals. [00:30:01] Speaker A: You never told me that. [00:30:04] Speaker B: But I never knew. And that's the thing also, the way that. And I'm saying this to say just the way that Ayanna had even carried herself, you would have never known that she was dealing with so know, I would have never known that you were dealing with that and not that it was any of my business, but being in your space, because sometimes we're in people's spaces and we just don't know all the details. And not that we're supposed to know if they want to share, they share, but I just didn't know all of that. And to see where that was then when I met you and then where you are now and how the restoration has completely happened. And I've been to the apartment and I've been to the new house. Okay, well, the house that you all redoing and renovating, and it was just beautiful. But just to know that, to know you then and to know that you were very adamant about what you were doing, you were still creating, and you were still going forward, and you were still pushing to see where you are now and to see even more, it's like you just wouldn't know that an individual, and this is to say, we never know what our queens are going through, what they're dealing with. I mean, even my mom dealt with health challenges. We don't know women that are walking around with health challenges in their body and that they're still know. People are singing, gospel singers are singing, and they're bleeding, literally. I had a conversation with Bethea, and. And she talked about her journey into conceiving and how she was trying to conceive, but she was literally leading praise and worship, but she was literally bleeding. You know what I mean? And so you just don't know what our queens are dealing with. But in this process to restoration, how were you, and I know it was a process, but how were you somewhat able to protect yourself, protect your boundaries? [00:32:10] Speaker A: Let me first say that I want to pay homage to our ancestors. My grandmother was a single mother who raised four children. Single mother worked jobs, many jobs. And they passed that on. The strength, the perseverance, the determination, the stick to itiveness, the willingness to go the extra mile because your family depends on it. And so how. Because it was modeled to me by another black woman, my grandmother, my mother, my aunts, my cousins. I didn't know that my mother was working a few jobs as a single mother. I just saw Gucci bags. [00:33:19] Speaker B: She fly yard. [00:33:20] Speaker A: You see what I mean? [00:33:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:33:23] Speaker A: But she did what she had to do to provide. Folks was like, oh, she's full she boot. But my mother was working hard. So how it was modeled to me, I didn't have a choice because that's what I was built on. Those were the shoulders that I was standing on. And so I knew people were talking about me, but I couldn't give them the headspace. I had to stand up in what I had to do, and that was survive. And glory be to God, I didn't look like what I was going through. [00:34:20] Speaker B: Surely didn't. [00:34:21] Speaker A: Yeah, I didn't look like it, but surely didn't. I was up at night. I was crying and trying to strategize and trying to. But I was very clear when it was time to go back home and be reconciled to my hood. And so that was also a lesson of obedience and denying yourself and knowing when it's time to really buckle down and make mature decisions. Because pride can tell you one thing. But pride comes before the fall, and I had fallen, and I had done all the falling that I wanted to do. It was enough of that. Okay. Because some of the things that we bring on ourselves because we're prideful and we're disobedient. No, not in this season. I'm going to give him my very best. Yeah. [00:35:47] Speaker B: Because I'm not a woman. How does pride affect our ladies? Because I know from the male perspective where we operate in pride and how we need to feel like we need to be there. We feel like we need to have something to do. And that protector syndrome hits us. And there's so many. Of course, there's stigmas with that and different things, but how does that affect our women? [00:36:16] Speaker A: Well, I said before, we're at the bottom of the totem pole, and so the odds are against us. Let's call it what it is. And so in the workplace, we are the angry black woman that all we do is talk with our neck, and we're so angry. So it's. We have. How do I say this? We have something to prove all the time. Yeah, we have something to prove that we do have a voice, that we do have a seat at the table. We are valuable. We do have what it takes to run a company. We do have what it takes to go into a room and have something to contribute. And so what does it look like? It looks like, well, I want to belong. I have a place. I belong there. I'm not going to fail because you think I'm going to fail you. The odds are against us as black women. [00:37:51] Speaker B: Is there a balance that you found with balancing? Because we know what it looks like for black people as a whole, but then we break up. Black women against black men. Those are two separate entities. [00:38:11] Speaker A: Even in that. [00:38:12] Speaker B: And even in that, exactly. How did you find a balance with being the strong black women? Because black women are strong, and that's what I love about black women, is because they're strong, but operating in that place and not letting the pride so much affect you, if you know what I mean. [00:38:40] Speaker A: Well, you have to listen to your body, and you have to listen. I'm christian, and a lot of what I govern by is holy spirit. [00:39:04] Speaker B: We talk about them. [00:39:06] Speaker A: And so I'm like, okay, so is this a moment that I need to show up as Nina Simone, or is this a moment that I need to show up as Claire Huxtable? Is this a moment that I need to show up as a flower? [00:39:37] Speaker B: The code switch. [00:39:38] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think that's also knowing who you are and knowing when you are to protect and when you are to rest and when you are to pour into you versus when you're to pour out into others. And I think as black women, we're always finding the balance. [00:40:21] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:40:22] Speaker A: Because. Because we're created to be that person that shows up. [00:40:29] Speaker B: Yeah. It's an expectation. Even the black man expects for the black woman to show up. [00:40:37] Speaker A: And that's what we do. [00:40:38] Speaker B: When you're not feeling well, we show up. [00:40:42] Speaker A: And so it's a forever conversation, I believe, that we're having with ourselves. Is it me at the top of this priority list today, or is it the house? Is it my day to rest, or is it my day to be the girl with the cape? [00:41:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:41:11] Speaker A: So I don't think that is something that us, as black women, we ever know 100%. I think that is something that we're going to be figuring out until the day we leave the earth. [00:41:30] Speaker B: You mentioned preserving, and I want to. [00:41:34] Speaker A: Tell you. [00:41:36] Speaker B: And again, like, thinking everything that you just said of learning how to preserve yourself, but I want to talk about preservation and rest in totality. And I know this is something, even for the women who are listening. What have you done and what do you recommend for black women to preserve and then to get the rest? Because listen. Because when it's time for them to show up, I remember even my mom. My mom, she just worked two, three jobs, I'm sure, and she would work overnight, and then it's a concert happening. And how do you preserve knowing she has to go to do that, but then she has to show up for her child, it's always like this expectation that people have for the parent to show up. And it's never really the father, it's always the mother. And then it's like when the mother doesn't show up, oh, they're a bad mother, or they're a bad parent. But for our queens, what can you recommend for that preservation? [00:42:54] Speaker A: Well, in the words of the Sandra Garner, come on. One of her famous sayings, and I quote, you better rest your body before it rests you better rest your body before it rests you. And so what does that mean to me? Now, in this season, I am a mental health advocate. I am someone who is out working very hard because I saw a need. And we have to be in tune with ourselves because it's important. Um, people are counting on us to show up. But if you can show up in your 100% authentic self, you're doing everyone a disservice. We're showing up, but we're making mistakes. We're unhealthy, we're confrontational. All because you've not rested. You cussed that lady out. She probably needed to be cussed out. But at the end of the day, you haven't been to sleep, sis. You haven't been to sleep. So now you cussing everybody out because you chose to go help instead of saying, I'm going to help you, but I'm going to take me a good hour nap. Now, hear me. I know that all situations are different and all circumstances are different and rest looks different for everybody, but then when we start talking about how it affects our mental health. [00:45:29] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:45:32] Speaker A: It's no longer an option. [00:45:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:45:37] Speaker A: We have to make time for ourselves because it manifests in high blood pressure and diabetes and hair falling out and cancer and stress and anxiety. It manifests in those ways. And so it is imperative that we find the time. We found the time to go see Beyonce. [00:46:13] Speaker B: Well, I'm signing off. [00:46:16] Speaker A: We found the time and we found the money. So it's, um. It's there. So if you can take 2 hours and hundreds of dollars to go see Beyonce, then you can take an hour of your time to go and see a shrink. Talk it out. Talk it through. I know those tickets were expensive, so don't give me the. I don't have insurance. Don't give it to me. Because you know that you're dealing with trauma from when you were five years old, and you know that you're ugly, and you know that you need to go and talk to somebody. I'm talking to just those people, not the ones that. [00:47:13] Speaker B: Yeah, you talking good. You talking good. [00:47:16] Speaker A: That same ticket price. [00:47:22] Speaker B: That $800 ticket, that $1,500 ticket, that 1250 ticket, that 1223 ticket. [00:47:30] Speaker A: So don't give me. I don't have insurance because you're paying insurance prices to go see Queen B, who's taking care of herself and has probably two or three shrinks. So stop the excuses. There's a population of us black women who don't know. I have developed and launched a 501 c three nonprofit, her cause. [00:48:06] Speaker B: Come on. [00:48:07] Speaker A: And that is geared towards word black women and women of color, to provide increased access to mental health resources. And that is through our three pillars, arts and humanities, health, wellness, and advocacy. And you should check us out. Hercause.org and there is a place for all women. There is a place for the woman who does not know, because there is a population of women who do not know what is available to them. They don't know. I've met them. But there is a population who know and still decide to just sit and deal with trauma. And you don't have to. You don't have to. You don't have to. And so my job as advocate is to travel the globe, and I'm going to put that out there. Travel the globe to encourage women to prioritize self in a way that helps you be a more healthy, wholesome woman, a healed woman. And so that may come in the form of gardening, that may come in the form of hiking, that may come in the form of swimming, that may come in the form of meditation, yoga, pilates, zumba. It may come in the form of walking. But we are medicating ourselves. Unhealthy relationships, salt, sugar, obesity. We're medicating ourselves instead of dealing with the problems. And they're going to continue to be there until we get behind the wheel and drive to safety. [00:50:25] Speaker B: One of my biggest questions was, for a man, how do we support our ladies, how do we support our queens in being the better version of themselves? This is funny. So I don't know if you've seen it, but I'm pretty sure you have. I think it was on the news, and I just saw like a post of it, and it was 28 places women will not go to on first dates. And it was interesting, like, watching it, but then reading it, but then some of it. I was like, now, why would you take a woman or anybody on a first date? You know what I mean? But how can men, and I know we got our own work to do and what we have to do, but how can we get that jump start on supporting our queens, being the best version of themselves, supporting them in the right way of mental health and self care? [00:51:30] Speaker A: Well, you know how men love their shoes. Okay. It's pretty sad that I would find this wow analogy, but when a man buys a brand new pair of shoes and or a brand new car. He values, he respects, he protects, and in so many words, he listens to. And so black women need to be protected. We need to be respected, we need to feel valued, and we need to be listened to. You listen to your car, you know, when it needs a tune up. Yeah. You listen to that car, you listen to that motor, you listen to that engine, you know, when it is tired and it needs a little. [00:53:06] Speaker B: Smile. [00:53:07] Speaker A: Yes. [00:53:09] Speaker B: It's funny that you mentioned even the shoes because, you know, with the orange man, I ain't going to say his name, but who came out with his shoes. With his shoes. And it's just interesting that the comments from his camp and even the things that he were saying was, well, we have these shoes. The black community is going to love this because they love shoes. [00:53:34] Speaker A: Well, there is some validity in that. I don't know if it goes along with those shoes. [00:53:39] Speaker B: Right, exactly. [00:53:41] Speaker A: Validity to that. That was something that we work hard for. We like to look good as people, period. We're not buying those shoes. [00:53:54] Speaker B: Exactly. We're not buying them. [00:53:55] Speaker A: We're not buying those. We're not supporting that foolishness. But, yeah, we like shoes. Women love shoes. Men love shoes. And so that's. I mean, how do we treat our queens? Treat us like you treat your new car. Treat us like you treat your new shoes. That you don't want nobody to touch, that you don't want nobody to come near. You going to keep them in the box? [00:54:23] Speaker B: You don't want them creased? [00:54:25] Speaker A: No. We're going to polish this car every Saturday morning. [00:54:32] Speaker B: Wow. Yeah. Cut the grass. Yeah. [00:54:37] Speaker A: So it's unfortunate, but that is the first thing that comes to mind when you say, how can we support a black woman? We want to be heard. We want to be protected. We want to be valued. We want to feel that you see us. And it's not a deep answer. It's very simple. [00:55:06] Speaker B: Very simple. From your perspective, what have you noticed that the majority of black men lack on having with our black women? [00:55:26] Speaker A: Respect, protection, the value and being heard. [00:55:44] Speaker B: The way she leaned up in this. [00:55:45] Speaker A: Camera. [00:55:49] Speaker B: Where do you think that came from? Well, where do you know that it came from? Walk light. No. Walk heavy, please. Walk heavy. Walk heavy. [00:56:07] Speaker A: Let me say this. I have a son and I adore him and he adores his mama. But when you're wrong, I have to say you're wrong. And I know that as a black woman, I'm strong. I have everything going for me as a black woman. I cannot teach him how to be a black man. [00:56:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:56:53] Speaker A: And so whether his father is a piece of or not, get him around some men who are going to hold him accountable, because he needs to be held accountable. And we can't think that everything our children do is cute, because it's not. And so it's lost when they're not held accountable. And so then they go out in the world, and they think that their blank doesn't stink, and they don't owe anybody an explanation. And so they team up with these other young ladies of different. Okay. [00:57:46] Speaker B: That were not. Can we say that? Were not taught by black women how to. [00:57:53] Speaker A: We'll say that. [00:57:54] Speaker B: Okay. [00:57:54] Speaker A: We'll tread light. [00:57:55] Speaker B: Okay. [00:57:57] Speaker A: That will continue in that vein of not holding you accountable. And so now you're just moving so far away from seeing who we really are. Oh, she just want to nag. She just want to talk. She just. No, we're holding you accountable, black man. And where did it start? It started with your mama. [00:58:34] Speaker B: This face. You talked about it. Because I was just about to ask you, too. Do you feel that, like you said, men have to be able to teach men how to treat black women, but then I'll use my father, for example, rest his soul. My father apologized to me for not being the father that he felt he should have been. [00:59:07] Speaker A: Come on. [00:59:08] Speaker B: And while I appreciate that apology, because I think that so many black men would be a little bit further along if they received an apology like that, because it brings to light that I realize that I couldn't be there for you the way that I should have been. And I know that I could have done better, but then I know that. [00:59:32] Speaker A: I missed the mark. [00:59:33] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:59:35] Speaker A: I'm holding myself accountable for that in front of you. Yes. [00:59:41] Speaker B: Which, in turn, showed me how to be accountable as a black man when I fall short. But my response to my father was, I said, I thank you for apologizing to me. But I said to him, I realized in my adult years, as I gotten older, that I never harbored hate towards you, but there was things that I did not understand. And I said to him, but I cannot expect for you to give me something that you never had. It goes back to my quote. Yeah, I can't expect for you to give me something that you never had in church. I've heard worship leaders say we can't lead the people in worship to a place that we have never been because that's dangerous. But my father didn't have the best example from his father, and so the generational curse kept going because they were having these children at these young ages, and then they try to have a do over when they get the second child or the third child. And I think for my father, it was an instance of, okay, I messed up with my first child, but I think I can fix it with my second child. And although he fell short and there were promises that were not kept, it was also one of those things. You were not given the tools to even be the best version of yourself. [01:01:18] Speaker A: Absolutely. [01:01:19] Speaker B: Before even becoming a father. [01:01:21] Speaker A: Yes. [01:01:22] Speaker B: So it's one of those things where, how do we take responsibility for that? Where does that stigma stop? [01:01:32] Speaker A: Well, I think that is something that black people have to wrestle with as a people. [01:01:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:01:44] Speaker A: Because accountability is where I believe we have fallen short as a race, as a people in 2024 altogether. Yeah. We don't like it. Tell me what to do. You're not going to tell me how to raise my children. You're not going to tell me how to dress for worship. You're not going to tell me how to be a parent. You're not going to tell me that I'm wrong. How can you tell me, why are you telling me? Any area of our lives as black people, we don't want to be accountable. And that's women and men and them. And they. [01:02:34] Speaker B: Okay, that's enough. That's enough. No more. No more. Because I had to stop the recording. [01:02:40] Speaker A: Because that's who you supposed to just let it go. [01:02:52] Speaker B: I couldn't. I was like, no, that's it. Because I'm not even going to edit this out. I'm not going to deal with it. Oh, it's going to stay in there. It's going to stay just right where it is. How are you going to let the people have it like that? Jesus. Yeah, the library is definitely open. [01:03:13] Speaker A: Di Carlo, listen. Oh, Lord. Go big or go home. [01:03:33] Speaker B: No, I really appreciate conversations like these. There definitely must be a part two at some point. At some point. [01:03:43] Speaker A: We always talk, right? We always talk. We're always us. And so whenever you want to, I'll put on a lip and a bra and I'm going to show up for my brother. [01:04:02] Speaker B: I appreciate it. I've said this before, but this season I've been really intentional about exactly what I want to talk about and what we need to put out there because people are listening. And I didn't even know that people are listening until you get the messages like you said, and then you get the, hi, I've been looking for season two. It's on the way. It's coming. But these conversations are really important. Let me not say it was God that said gave it to me in, like, less than ten minutes. These are the things that you need to talk about, okay? These are the guests that you need to talk about. And then it was like, I want to talk to so and so. But then I'm like, what am I going to. This is what you're going to talk about. Because these conversations are. We need to be more intentional. Like you said, you talked about accountability as a race where we have fallen. But then we're not even intentional. When we do things, we do things halfway. We don't do them with the intention of getting us to a certain place. And I think that I'm in a place now where I'm tired of seeing people use their platform in places where it's not healing us as a race and it's not healing black people. We have to start with ourselves. We already got enough going on within know as a race to the point where while we're sitting there, we talking about he said, she said and this and that, and we're looking at the downfall of people. I mean, it was even so sad looking at Wendy Williams and where she is. You know what I mean? It hurts my heart because you don't wish that type of what she's going through on anybody. [01:05:55] Speaker A: But some do. [01:05:59] Speaker B: I just turn the mic around. Come on. Right? [01:06:05] Speaker A: Like the little girl on TikTok telling everybody why she got married for 50 episodes and everybody want to watch it. [01:06:13] Speaker B: And that does nothing for us. What does that do? [01:06:17] Speaker A: And how does that help my marriage? How does that help my daughter in her relationships? How does that help my son go to therapy, get you a counselor, and I'm not going to waste my time watching you unload without any type of godly counsel to help you navigate these moments. When I heard about it, they were like, have you seen it? [01:06:51] Speaker B: I will not, and I don't want to watch it. You got to be careful what you open your spirit up to. You listening to all of that for what? Watching it, it's very apparent that, like you said, 2024, we're in a place where people are just. It's just like, did we revert? I feel like we were worse off than we was when we were in the pandemic. [01:07:15] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:07:18] Speaker B: That we were worse off. How do you go from justice, get your foot off my neck, to now everything is just okay? [01:07:31] Speaker A: Well, you thought you were going to die, and you were in the house and ain't had nowhere to go. And now that you quote, we outside, hashtag, we outside. Now, you then went back to your old ways and old habits with no accountability. So you thought you was going to die. So now that's when you were talking like you had some sense because the people around you was dying. Now you back outside and child, please, the people didn't forgot all about a neck. I can't breathe. Please. The blacks and the whites. [01:08:19] Speaker B: Yeah. And if we don't have respect for ourselves, how are we expect for the people to respect us, please. [01:08:26] Speaker A: Because they're not going to. [01:08:27] Speaker B: They're not going to. Why can't we do better? I think I was talking to someone even just about black businesses and just black businesses, and we should be further along. How are we still stuck? [01:08:45] Speaker A: Lord have mercy. [01:08:51] Speaker B: I am an avid supporter of black businesses. I love black businesses. [01:08:56] Speaker A: Hercause.org. [01:08:58] Speaker B: That's it. [01:08:59] Speaker A: That's right. You want to sow into a business of excellence. Hercause.org, you can donate today. It is a nonprofit, it's tax exempt. And we are about our business of bringing mental health resources to the black community. And we're just coming out of the gate. And so keep an eye and an ear out for hercalls.org, because we do have a cause. Yeah. [01:09:35] Speaker B: And that's Ayanna Blake, everybody. I thank don't. I'm so overwhelmed. I don't even know what to say because you have me on this floor and, yeah, that's Ayana Blake, season two. Y'all thought y'all heard something the first season. [01:10:00] Speaker A: Well, you know, I love you very much, and I really cherish our connection, and I always want to make sure that, you know, that people don't have to be nice. They don't have to show up. They don't have to be loving. And I really appreciate and love you for our healthy connection. And hopefully, you know that. I love Raspberry. [01:10:40] Speaker B: I love me some Blake, y'all. I do. [01:10:45] Speaker A: So I am always cheering you on authentically because I mean it from my heart. And I thank you for showing up for me in those times that I needed you to. And it doesn't go unnoticed or taken for granted. [01:11:03] Speaker B: Now, don't get it twisted. She holds me accountable very much. But that's what you need. Friends like that. Okay, that's another episode. Okay, I'm done. Queens, your voices are powerful, valued, and celebrated. Take back your narrative and empower and inspire others. Remember to find balance, protect your boundaries, and prioritize your self care. You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.