Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories. Passion alone.
[00:00:02] Speaker B: Mourn. Guilt. Loneliness.
[00:00:04] Speaker A: Regret.
[00:00:05] Speaker B: Peace. Relationships unfamiliar.
[00:00:08] Speaker A: If you put God first, you'll never be last.
[00:00:11] Speaker B: This is grief at the cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. Hello, family, and welcome to grief at the Cookout. Today I'm joined by Pam R. Brown, affectionately called on this podcast, Auntie Pam. Pamela is an experienced mental health professional with over 20 years of demonstrated success as an author, impact leader, strategist, and human services practitioner. Professionally astute in human services, behavioral health, emotional intelligence, strategic leadership, capacity building, program design and implementation. Pamela is the chief impact leader of power up life balls and the proud author of you got this, a journal for Intentional Living, an executive director, board president, and graduate fellow of George Washington University and Lincoln University, and soon to be Dr. Pamela R. Brown, studying at Morgan State University. Tune in to this wow episode. Okay. As Auntie Pam and I discuss the topics of struggles, recovery, and resilience in a new mental state of mind.
Oh, my.
Let me tell y'all something. We have Auntie Pam back on the podcast for season two.
It's so good to have you back. Thank you for coming back.
[00:01:48] Speaker A: I am so thankful to be even invited to come.
[00:01:54] Speaker B: Do another. I cannot do this season without you. And moving forward, I cannot do a season without you. Your voice is so important. It's so impactful. Let me tell you something. We just sat here, we probably talked for about 20 minutes, cracking up. But let me tell you something. I had to hurry up and hit that record button because she started dropping some gems and my pin wasn't ready.
That's what we do. It's the cookout, right?
[00:02:25] Speaker A: It's the cookout. We bring it all to the table.
[00:02:28] Speaker B: Bring it all to the table. Now, listen, I don't know how you feeling today, but, you know, I always have to ask, in true grief at the cookout fashion, what is your favorite cookout food today?
[00:02:40] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness. Well, if we talked about food in the literal sense. Okay, let me tell you something.
If we had to cook out, I would love to have some grilled salmon over a nice tossed salad. Just. But salmon just grilled. And maybe some grilled veggies to go with it.
And then if I have to go to the cookout to talk about my mindset, I would just have to say gratefulness.
[00:03:15] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:03:16] Speaker A: Gratefulness. Gratitude and mindfulness.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: Oh, you're not ready for today. Because I'm not ready.
This is good. I like this. Gratefulness, gratitude and mindfulness.
And a nice, healthy salad with some grilled salmon on top.
Is there a vinaigrette on top.
[00:03:42] Speaker A: Let me tell you what your auntie has gotten hooked on recently.
Raspberry vinaigrette.
[00:03:50] Speaker B: Hello.
[00:03:50] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:03:53] Speaker B: Baby, it is good. It speaks to your soul.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: Fresh cucumbers and tomatoes and red onion and some grilled salmon.
Now, that's good eating at the cookout.
[00:04:09] Speaker B: Come on.
I know that's right. Listen, y'all, we're here to talk today about the new mental state of mind.
Now, it may sound like, okay, what are y'all getting ready to talk about? But I brought Auntie Pam back on here because I wanted to really indulge this conversation of where we are in black America, where we are as a people.
Even if you're not black and you're listening to this, but where is your mental state, and how can we better it? And I wrote a quote down concerning the mental state of mind, and it said, ending the stigma of mental illness, recovery, resilience, and struggles. How can we end the struggles? How can we initiate recovery, and how can we stand in our resilience?
So just with that, because y'all better get ready. But just with that alone, Auntie Pam, my first question to you is, in your opinion, what do you think the state of mind of our people as a whole, where do you think we are?
[00:05:37] Speaker A: Well, first of all, your question, that quote, and then I was actually trying to conceptualize that in the month of February also being recognized as black History Month. Right.
[00:05:53] Speaker B: You understand where I'm going, right?
[00:05:55] Speaker A: Okay, so, you know, Black Panther, fight the power. We got this. Let's go. But that's just not for the month of February. That's who we are every day.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:06:15] Speaker A: So when you look at that, but you mentioned the word how do we end the struggle? And I thought about that, and I had to say to myself, are we really going to end the struggles, or can we manage the struggle?
[00:06:29] Speaker B: That's it.
Because the question is, does it really end?
[00:06:34] Speaker A: Right? Does it really?
I mean, I know you have a vast listenership, but if I can just focus on the condition and the state of our people here in the United States, that's a real question. The struggle continues. I mean, I think back, even when I was growing up as a teenager, and hip hop was really coming about, and groups like, one of my favorite groups was public enemy. Public enemy. Because they dealt with our mindset, the consciousness. They talked about the awareness, the value of who we are as a people, and not to tolerate allowing people to talk to you any kind of way or treat you any kind of way. But really preserving your mindset. But you don't leave it just in your mind. You do that. That's that emotional intelligence piece. Because when you preserve your thinking and you manage your emotions, then that drives your behavior and it drives your thinking.
So we got to recognize first, what are my emotions? What's going on? Marvin Gaye said, what's going on?
[00:07:42] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:07:43] Speaker A: So that's where that mindfulness comes into paying attention to. We get so caught up in thinking about our future, we haven't even gotten through today, and we already worried about next week. The rent is due March 1. I'm like, hold on a minute.
Let's deal with today.
[00:08:03] Speaker B: Because so often I think, and could this be a habit or a stigma within our own community and how we're raised to always think ahead?
I'm always guilty of that because I'm always like, well, if I plan for now, when I get to so and so, I don't have to worry about it because in my mind, it's already taken care of. But it's also one of those things where I miss out on living in the moment and enjoying the moment and actually living in peace because I'm always rushing and scrounging to make sure that this is done or that is done. And here I am two months down the road, two months before something needs to be done, and I'm worried about it.
[00:08:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
And you know what? Planning is good. Let's be real. We have to do that. We can't ignore that. Yes. Staying organized to the best that we can. Planning and preparation. The key is, with anything striking that balance, not getting so caught up in the planning that we miss what's going on in the present.
[00:09:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:09:17] Speaker A: Don't spend too much in the past, because it's just that it's our past. You use that to propel you to go forward. But so many people say, well, I could have done the past is that, and the one gift that we have that we better take better care of is time.
[00:09:40] Speaker B: Listen, you already just started. Here we go.
Come on. Here. Talking about time. You're right, because we don't manage that well.
We don't manage our time well. And I just sat here and I talked to you about, okay, this is what I will call my free time. But what am I doing in the free time? Am I feeding my soul or am I just in a state of no movement?
And I feel like we have to make a conscious decision on what we're going to do to better ourselves. And so often we get pulled into the mindset of, oh, I should have did this, so I could have done that, or I should have did that, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But we didn't make the conscious choice to say, you know what, I'm going to do this. And I may not see an immediate return on what I'm putting forth into it, but I know that at some point there will be a return. You know what I mean?
[00:10:49] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:10:50] Speaker B: And I think a lot of times we're looking for the immediate return. We're looking for something to automatically happen where we can say, okay, I did it, et cetera, et cetera. But that's not what comes when you're moving forward and you're moving into the future.
[00:11:09] Speaker A: Right.
You hit it right on the nail because we have to be intentional about it.
[00:11:15] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: It's just like you think about maybe your work day and you schedule this meeting and you schedule that meeting, the same process of being intentional and scheduling those meetings. You need to insert time for self care. You need to insert time for doing, if you can, nothing at all. I realize that if the dishes are dirty, the clothes need to be washed. If I don't get to them, my world is not going to fall apart. So if I need to use my time for something else, it's okay. Oftentimes we beat ourselves up so bad and it's okay, it's okay.
Make time for yourself. Give yourself permission to be good to yourself.
[00:12:03] Speaker B: And do you think that even with something, and I don't want to say it's minute, but something that is personal as these things of making time for ourselves and being kind to ourselves and making time for self care and et cetera, et cetera, that these things now bleed into how we deal with situations on the outside of the personal life, in the workplace, socially, with relationships.
[00:12:35] Speaker A: How.
[00:12:35] Speaker B: Do you think that bleeds into that? Because I really want to hear what you're going to say because I know you about to say something you all just don't understand.
[00:12:51] Speaker A: Let me tell you what I had to learn the hard way.
There is a two letter word that is so powerful.
It's so powerful. It's only two letters. And that's no, come on.
No.
I had to realize. I used to wonder why I get home, I'm so tired, and then I can't even get home because I got about two or three other things I got to do when I get off. I was like looking at taking a look back at what are you doing with your time?
[00:13:26] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:13:28] Speaker A: And I had to realize that it was okay to say no.
I can't be everywhere. I'm not there for everybody, and it's okay, and it's okay, and it's okay. So, like I said, that two letter word, that's what did it for me.
[00:13:47] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: Because it forced me to create balance in my life and boundaries.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:14:02] Speaker A: And the power of giving yourself permission, not allowing other people to validate you and to tell you what's right and what's wrong, or to make you feel guilty because you can't go here, or you can't support them with that. No, you give yourself permission. And what's good for me at this time, will that be that my answer is always going to be no, maybe not. But when I'm mindful of what's going on with me today, that's what my decision will be.
[00:14:39] Speaker B: And these are the inner workings of our mind and how we struggle with our own selves, because there's an inner struggle that therefore permeates to the outer exterior on how we deal with things.
[00:14:56] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:14:57] Speaker B: And it's really important that we learn how to, like you said, manage the struggles.
Because manage, I can even say for myself, where I am in my state of mind is very important so that I know how to effectively fight instance of injustice. So there's something that I'm dealing with. Of course, I can't really speak on the whole gist of everything, but there's something that I'm dealing with that was said about me, that I am now going through the proper channels to make sure that a word like that, that was now said, it was mistakenly used, does not happen to people coming behind me. You know what I mean?
Even now, for myself, I've always struggled with how to say what I mean to say, but manage my emotions. What did you say? I wrote it right down here. Preserve my thinking and manage my emotions. So I had to figure out, and this was something that I've learned over time through situations where I failed and where I've succeeded in certain situations. But right now, I'm so able to clearly state what is right, what is wrong, clearly read back your policies, where I am able to preserve that thinking and be able to compartmentalize, do what is asked of me to do, do what my expectations are for myself and for the company. But then also I'm able to manage my emotions. And I think that's a thing, especially for black people, that when we get into the workplace and we have to deal with the struggles of being black in a predominantly white institution or predominantly white company where we still have to deal with the struggles.
[00:17:08] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:17:10] Speaker B: It's not like they go away. I was talking to my, I call her mom, but it's my best friend's mother. And she said, it's just amazing to me how we as a people are still dealing with these issues and knowing the state of our country. And then, of course, we just happen to be in February.
It's one of those things where I have to be very clear and I have to use a lot of clarity, but if my mind isn't clear at home, how am I able to successfully manage and navigate a situation where, yes, I am fighting, but I don't feel like I'm fighting.
[00:17:52] Speaker A: Right.
[00:17:54] Speaker B: You know what I mean?
[00:17:56] Speaker A: Because you always feel like you're on guard.
[00:17:59] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:18:01] Speaker A: You got your armor on. What am I getting ready to go into today exactly?
You still on the highway? Haven't even gotten there yet. Or still on the subway. But your mindset, you're thinking about something that hasn't even happened yet.
[00:18:18] Speaker B: Right.
[00:18:19] Speaker A: And I appreciate you sharing that. Let me tell you this, and how we have to think as a people.
[00:18:24] Speaker B: Come on.
[00:18:25] Speaker A: I was in a leadership meeting not too long ago, and a colleague of a caucasian colleague was having a hard time being a team player. But rather than taking ownership of her role, it was pointing the finger at other people and how they were making her feel. And she wasn't feeling like she was a part of the team and what she was contributing to the team was being undervalued and so on and so on. And then she began to cry.
And myself and other team members are looking around like, is she really sitting in here crying? And so then your auntie over here, and I'm just like, now, if you're doing this amongst leaders, but how does your team, the people that you manage, the people that you supervise, you're whining and you're crying. So maybe that's the reason why you're getting the behaviors or the attitude that you're getting, because it's trickling down from the top. Right.
But then I said to myself, now, if I was the one up here whining, come on, crying.
[00:19:45] Speaker B: Come on.
[00:19:46] Speaker A: Pointing the finger at everybody, not taking ownership of my thinking and my actions, I would have been written up and by now exited out the door.
[00:19:57] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:19:59] Speaker A: I'm just going to keep it real.
So we always feel like we have to go in prepared, even though you might want to cry.
So we have to create outlets like this. Our discussion this is an outlet. Finding that confidant, that's an outlet. Because the reality is we can't do that.
[00:20:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:28] Speaker A: We just can't.
[00:20:29] Speaker B: But that's how we have to navigate.
[00:20:32] Speaker A: And that's how we have to navigate.
That's our reality.
[00:20:38] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:20:39] Speaker A: So that's why it's so important, and that's why I love these conversations that we're having. Because it's so important for people to feel empowered, to identify support systems.
[00:20:52] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:20:54] Speaker A: You can't travel this journey all by yourself. You don't even want to do this by yourself. It's important. And also, when we're dealing with human beings, you have to realize that they are human beings.
[00:21:07] Speaker B: Right.
[00:21:08] Speaker A: Stuff can happen. Trust issues.
People change over time. Our tolerance levels. Remember that they're human beings.
[00:21:18] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:21:18] Speaker A: Because when we put people on a pedestal and then when something happens, we can't fall apart and we can't take ownership of somebody else's behavior or their thinking. All I can do is be responsible for myself.
I can't take ownership of somebody else.
[00:21:35] Speaker B: That's right.
You can't.
It's amazing to me because even at our big ages, we have to find a new way to express ourselves in a way where it's effective but not disrespectful. Absolutely. Got you.
To express how we're feeling and to express our distaste for something or something that we don't like in a way that it could be effective for our race and for our people. Because the way that I see it is, I see it as there are people that came before me and they knocked down the door and they kicked down the door. It's people like you and what you have done for our culture and for our race that I am now able to do what I can do for our race. You know what I mean? And I feel like that, yes, sometimes we may have to be.
I don't want to say an example, but sometimes we have to make decisions, heart decisions that we may seem at the moment could be detrimental for us. But for the long run, for everyone coming behind me, if I have to kick down this door for me, I'm not just kicking it down for me, I'm kicking it down for everyone behind me.
But right now, in the state that our nation is in and in the state that we're living in, we have to fight, as my aunt will say in black and white, we have to fight in a way that is so effective that you're able to say, well, this is what your policy says. This is what this says.
[00:23:44] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:23:44] Speaker B: And then you have to, in essence, flip the script and say, now if it was so and so, they technically created this type of work environment, this type of workspace. You know what I mean?
[00:23:56] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:23:56] Speaker B: And so if she did that, then what is the consequences? And now consequences don't necessarily mean good or bad. These are just the things that happen for a particular action. So it's all about how can you use what you know to effectively fight. And again, that leads back to our struggles, because a lot of times we don't educate ourselves. I would hate to work at a place or a company where I do not know your policies, so that in the time that I need to use your policies, I can't regurgitate that word that I know sitting in the orientations and sitting in this. Well, this is what the handbook says, but this is not what you all followed. So who's at know? What are the repercussions for not following it? Because again, as you said, if it was me and I said what Susie said, or if it was me and I acted the way that Carl did and I threw a fit and tore up the office or whatever, what have you, then I would be on my way out with a pink slip out the door.
Again, it's also educating ourselves. And I think that even as a people, we don't do that as well as we should. Because I feel like some of us could be a little further along if we knew exactly how to work the system when the system fails us.
[00:25:26] Speaker A: That's right.
I'm telling you, I think about just the power of documentation.
[00:25:35] Speaker B: Yes, come on.
[00:25:38] Speaker A: The power of documentation from a leader's perspective as well as just their everyday team member, it works wonders because, for example, you have that person says, at know, here we go, this stereotype. Black people, we're always late. Pam is always late. She's always late.
So now you want to write me up rather than pointing out and using documentation to say to that person, you appear to have excessive tardiness as demonstrated on these particular dates.
I can't argue back with that because that's documentation saying these were dates. But when we make these vast assumptions and placing people in categories and stereotyping, you're not giving people an opportunity. You're just lumping me over, you're just lumping me in.
But you haven't taken the time to get to know me. So that's what I'm saying. That power of documentation, document it. Ask for a copy if you're signing something, I tell employees if you've signed a contract, you make sure that you have a copy for yourself or you know how to access it, because it's just like you're saying, policies, guidance, behaviors, then it's not my perspective. It's not my point of view. It's what the company's policy.
[00:27:16] Speaker B: That's right. Because a lot of people can create biases, and that's what happens to us as black people, is we're already living in a world where we're dealing with racial discrimination, and we're dealing with people who are racist. Okay. Intentionally. And some people that don't even know that they are being racist. You know what I mean? But we're also dealing with microaggressions. And there are words that comes with the microaggressions. They are trigger words. And so it's important that we know exactly what the policy says, because if you use words like these, these words are unacceptable for anyone.
And if we're all working at the same company and it's for everyone, then if you use it incorrectly or you use the word that you're not supposed to use, then there should be repercussions for it. But what happens is people create their own biases. I have not seen you since.
I've not seen you in person since I did girls of Madison street.
But at that time, that's when I met you. And then we connected again, and you were on the first season of the podcast, and then I spoke to you a few times in between then and now, my personal experience of you has changed.
And although we've only been in person once or twice together, but the conversations that we have, I have a better sense of the type of person that you are. I can tell somebody, look, we have Auntie Pam coming on the podcast, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So now I have more of a view of who you are. But notice how that has changed in the time. If I don't see you for five months, the next time I see you, it'll be a different experience.
[00:29:15] Speaker A: Right.
[00:29:16] Speaker B: But when people use personal bias, they try to use it against who we are, and they try to use it in situations when there is no documentation, like you said. And so when there is no documentation, how can a company, how can anyone, or how can we stand against personal bias?
[00:29:38] Speaker A: Absolutely.
And you have to be an advocate for yourself.
[00:29:43] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:29:44] Speaker A: You have to advocate for yourself when you're looking for a promotion and so forth. Pay attention to the climate of the company.
Pay attention to the core values of the company that you work for, that mission statement, that vision statement, go on the website, especially for for profit organizations.
Look at different projects and companies that they support. That'll tell you a whole lot, too.
[00:30:17] Speaker B: About the company.
[00:30:18] Speaker A: Yeah, about the company.
Because all of these things help shape the culture and the climate of the company.
[00:30:27] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:30:27] Speaker A: And so in order for me to be an employee, I have to subscribe to that in some way to continue my employment.
[00:30:38] Speaker B: Come on.
[00:30:40] Speaker A: Right. I got to be able to subscribe to it. Now, either I'm going to subscribe to it until I get to my next gig, or I might really go. Then that's fine. But my now is while I am an employee, this is what I'm saying I'm subscribing to from the organizational culture perspective.
[00:30:59] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:31:00] Speaker A: So then you wrap your mindset around that to say what I'm going to tolerate and what I'm not going to tolerate, then the ownership is back on you.
[00:31:16] Speaker B: Ah, right.
[00:31:19] Speaker A: Because I try to tell people that they feel like they get stuck, they're entrapped, they can't go anywhere. No, you can.
[00:31:29] Speaker B: Right.
[00:31:30] Speaker A: But you got to step back first and you got to assess the situation.
Create a plan.
And not just a plan, because a plan without, not just a dream, put a hardcore plan together, aligned with the timeline.
[00:31:50] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:31:51] Speaker A: And as you reach those milestones, you check it off, because then you're encouraging yourself, you're empowering yourself to go. But you will also notice that your mindset will change.
[00:32:04] Speaker B: That's right.
Like you said, you have to make decision. You have to make a decision exactly. On how are you going to effectively navigate through this.
[00:32:19] Speaker A: Haven't you heard? People, they've been on the job for ten years, complaining, complaining, oh, I hate it here. And you say, well, how long have you been here? 1015 years.
And you've hated it that long, but you're still here after a while. You have to stop pointing the finger at other people or the organization. You got to do like Michael Jackson saying, I'm looking at the man in the mirror.
He said, I'm looking for you to change your ways, not for the other people or the other companies to change their. What are you going to do? When are you going to take ownership of it? Take ownership of your happiness. Stop looking for other people and things to make you happy.
You take ownership of your happiness.
And I'm going to tell you, for me, that came by experience, because I was at a place in my life for a good while where I always had to do things with people. I couldn't do things by myself. I wanted to go shopping, but I had to call girlfriend or girlfriends to go shopping. If I wanted to go out to dinner, I had to call somebody. Let's go out to dinner.
But now, let me tell you, I just saw american fiction, the movie, by myself, early on a Friday afternoon, got my popcorn combo and had a ball all by myself.
I didn't have to wait for everybody's schedule. Are you all available? Can we go through the book? I wanted to go.
I picked the date, the time and had a great time.
[00:33:59] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:34:00] Speaker A: You make yourself happy.
[00:34:06] Speaker B: That sounds like recovery to me.
[00:34:08] Speaker A: Hey, recovery. Look, in that other word you talked about. Resilience.
[00:34:14] Speaker B: Resilience, yes.
[00:34:21] Speaker A: You can't be resilient if you haven't gone through something.
Because remember, the resilience is the power to come back. And I tell people, don't just come back. Come back greater.
[00:34:32] Speaker B: Yeah, come back strong.
[00:34:34] Speaker A: Come back strong.
[00:34:38] Speaker B: But you know what? One thing I've noticed is that people don't know how to be alone.
And it's interesting that even coming off the heels of a pandemic, where we were given the time, whether we wanted to or not, to really deal with ourselves, I'm going to be honest with you. Some of the things that articles that you may read of what's happening in the world or what's happening in your own backyard or in your community or just in your friends and everything, it's worse than what it was before. We were all on punishment, as I like to say.
[00:35:26] Speaker A: Right?
[00:35:27] Speaker B: We went through a time where it gave us time to reflect on who we are, on what our goals were. I know I even connected with a few people that were like, I went through the pandemic and I realized that I need to do more things for myself.
You come out with something like you said, resilient, coming back strong. I'm coming out of this situation with a new outlook on life, with a new lease on life. But for a vast majority of individuals, I feel like a lot of people have taken ten steps back.
And it's almost as if, again, that's why I'm like, what is this new mental state of mind that we as a people are in? Because we should be back stronger.
That was times when a lot of things were unearthed. It was protests going on.
It was injustices happening, and people were standing up and people, in essence, were risking their lives. We didn't know what was happening in the world. People walking around with cloth masks and not n 45 and protesting and using the voice that we have. But now that that is over and now that the dust has settled, what are we doing?
[00:36:53] Speaker A: Yeah, and when you think about what the pandemic did, right, the p word. People often talk about how it caused us to pivot, pivot, change a lot and so forth. But also, that pandemic exposed a whole lot.
[00:37:12] Speaker B: Come on.
[00:37:14] Speaker A: It exposed. It's just like it exposed us on how we deal with ourselves.
It exposed on how we deal with each other.
I think about the children being home schooled and so many parents who fell apart because they had to help educate on a different level, their own children.
They couldn't deal with having so much time with their own children.
[00:37:44] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:37:46] Speaker A: It exposed, especially in communities of color, the digital divide.
Everybody didn't have a laptop or tablet. The assumption that they may have, but Covid exposed it.
So you can't assume. So then we talked about accessibility. We talk about affordability, which all impacts the mindset.
You had parents, children who had to become parents for younger siblings. So now you thinking about people whose mindset had to change because my responsibility has now changed, because not only am I taking care of myself, I got to take care of the responsibility of my younger siblings.
[00:38:48] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:38:48] Speaker A: So, again, the mindset for everybody, from children all the way up until adults. And when you think about the mindset, even during that time period for older adults and senior citizens, well before the pandemic, isolation has always been an issue when we talk about older people. Right?
[00:39:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:13] Speaker A: So imagine now how that skyrocketed when you're forced to be in isolation.
You were forced. It wasn't even an elective. You couldn't do this. You couldn't have visitors. You couldn't go places. And they're already trying to deal with isolation. And then you put different mandates.
So you talk about mindset.
We're still wreaking havoc.
A lot of people have not recovered.
And then let's just bring it a little bit further now, up into 2024 that we weren't talking about necessarily during the pandemic. We weren't having the conversations as much as we are having now about artificial intelligence, AI.
Now it's like we're talking about it. It's been going on a long time.
So now you're introducing something else that's hard to have control over.
Artificial intelligence.
[00:40:29] Speaker B: That word control.
[00:40:31] Speaker A: Right?
[00:40:33] Speaker B: That takes me back to episode ten.
[00:40:38] Speaker A: Hmm.
Mindset. And doing well for these young people. And they grew up on social media, and you can't control what somebody posts and pictures they're sharing. See, it used to be a time you can handle business out in the alley behind after school, after 03:00 we can handle our business on social media at the click of a finger or something. Somebody can put a post on about somebody, share a picture or distort an image that I don't have control over.
[00:41:14] Speaker B: Wow.
Mmhmm.
[00:41:21] Speaker A: So, nephew, all I can say, look.
[00:41:24] Speaker B: You got me over here speechless, because it's one of those things where it's just crazy. How.
[00:41:33] Speaker A: Much more can we bring to the cookout?
[00:41:36] Speaker B: Yeah. How much more can you. Until we decide that we want to recover through the struggles and through all of that. All of this is just a struggle alone. The mind is a struggle of itself, especially for those who are very analytical about things and who live here, but don't let things out, who don't feel comfortable. And like you said earlier, this was before we even started recording. And you talked about how people just don't share. They don't use this outlet, use their outlet of having someone that they can talk to, to kind of organize yourself. And that's why it is so important that we do seek help from our professionals and preferably black professionals, people that understand the struggle. It's so hard.
I've never had a white therapist. My therapist is black, and she happens to be a woman.
But I recall that in my younger years, when I was in elementary school and I was one of those kids, they said I was bad. They said I had anger management problems.
They said I was off the hook. They said I used to argue with the teachers and different things. But my mom may get me for this, but I think it was also one of those things that I was probably emulating my mom because I saw my mom always fight the good fight with people, whether she. Her favorite lie is, do you have a problem?
You know what I mean?
So I used to say that a lot as a kid because I think it was my mom that kind of gave me the courage to be confrontational with people, but I had to learn how to be confrontational in the most respectful way and not disrespectful. You know what I mean? That I think that my mom being.
[00:43:57] Speaker A: A.
[00:43:59] Speaker B: I was with my mom the majority of my life. So being that my mom was a single parent, the single mom has to stand up and has to have conversations and deal with, again, injustices concerning their children, concerning her, concerning what she needs to do and whatever issue she was dealing with in the workplace as a black woman. Okay.
[00:44:27] Speaker A: Right.
[00:44:27] Speaker B: You know what? I mean, and so she was on the defense a lot.
But my mom is a great mother, but I find myself emulating her those times when I was a kid.
[00:44:41] Speaker A: But look at it.
Black mothers, black fathers. We have to have conversations with our children that other people do not.
For example, driving. I have a son and a daughter having a conversations. If you should get stopped by the police, this is what you should do. Maybe at a certain time, you shouldn't take this way home. Consider taking this route home. We have to have those conversations that other people do not have to have. Let's just keep it real.
[00:45:14] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:45:18] Speaker A: So we have to equip each other, and that's just not for our children. I have friends. I say, hey, we're grown adults. Send me a text or give me a call to let me know you made it home.
Not that I need to know your whereabouts, but we got to check in on each other. It's a different day and time, and this might be another episode, but human trafficking is real, and people, I think, oftentimes they associate it with children.
But when I tell you that, especially in major metropolitan areas as well as in rural towns, adults are being kidnapped and taken not to return.
Adults.
So these are conversations that we have to have to equip and prepare our mindset for a world that is not too kind to us.
[00:46:31] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:46:34] Speaker A: I'm just going to keep it real.
When you talked about the struggle, I'm like, yeah, the struggle, it's still going on.
However, the struggle has evolved. It's taken on a different look, but the struggle is still there. It's just evolved. I didn't have to deal with AI, artificial intelligence a few years ago the way I have to now with hacking, with having conversations about these things before. So the struggle is evolving. So now we have to choose, how do we manage it?
I see you over there.
[00:47:21] Speaker B: You know, I'm over here writing because. Let me see. My notepad is full.
But again, like you said, these are the conversations that we have to have.
I don't understand. Or we don't want to talk about it because it was just so forebode. Foreboding, forbidden.
But these are the conversations that we have to.
[00:47:49] Speaker A: We have to have them.
[00:47:51] Speaker B: We have to have it.
[00:47:53] Speaker A: We have to normalize things because we fall into grief. Yes, we have to counseling. We have to normalize it. Therapy. We have to normalize it. Traditionally, many of us grew up in the church and so forth, and it's great to have our faith. But I often heard just pray about it.
[00:48:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:48:18] Speaker A: As if God is not a magician.
With that comes action. So it's okay for the pastor or the leaders in the church to say, let me connect you with a professional therapist or professional counselor. In addition to the prayer, let's make sure you get the assistance, the help that you need. Now, that's what I call real ministry.
[00:48:43] Speaker B: That's it.
That's it.
[00:48:47] Speaker A: That's ministry. That's ministry. Inside and beyond the wall.
[00:48:56] Speaker B: That's ministry. Because, again, like what I was talking about, even having a black therapist as a kid, dealing with the issues that I was dealing with, that these white people were saying, these white instructors were saying, DiCarlo is this deCarlo is that, DeCarlo is that. To only be where I am now? But it took one person, and I'm going to be honest, she was caucasian. But it took one person to say, no, he needs an outlet.
He needs something to do. So what we're doing now is we're classifying. Even as an educator and being in the field as an educator, I've never seen so many kids labeled autistic on the spectrum. Then they don't change the name of the spectrum, and they more Asperger's.
And then these kids have OCD. And how did kids get OCD and ADHD? And it's just all of these different things based off of a score here or a score there. And this is what black people talk about when they say, we think that we're doing fine, but then they always move the finishing line. You know what I mean? And so now you're classifying these children, so many black and brown kids that have these disabilities or these anxiety attacks or this and this and that. And granted, there are some children that actually are dealing with some neurodivergent issues. Okay. But also, what are you creating for the child to have outside of sitting in a classroom all day? If this is an age where we are on the cell phones and we're this and we're that, that's all that they're doing at home, there's nothing that's feeding their mind and their senses and stimulating them. Now we're talking about how kids are overly stimulated. Why are they overly stimulated? There has to be a reason why. You know what I mean? So what are you doing for the child that takes them out of that era? That I need to be tied to an iPad with headphones, that I need to be tied to some type of technology, and like you said, with AI and all of these things, that's now being introduced.
But now these kids who are on these tablets all have issues.
Can't be there. Has to be. Where are the educators? Okay, now this is a whole other episode. Yes, but where are the educators that understand children but also understand this child needs a different way of know their mind.
[00:51:57] Speaker A: Right?
[00:51:58] Speaker B: They need a different teacher. My music teacher, Miss Greenman, said, don't take him to the office. If there's an incident, bring him to me. He needs an outlet. He is a creative child.
He needs some type of creativity. He needs to do something. He sat for a long time now. He needs to do something with his hands. He needs to do something with his mind. He needs to be active. So now this goes to the educators. Yes, educators are the lowest paid in the country. Our teachers need to be paid more.
You are shaping and molding the minds of great leaders and entertainers and people that pull people in and other leaders, but for the majority, for everyone, how are you now sowing into these children's lives?
How are you giving them more?
It's a lot because the children spend more time with the educator than they do with their parents.
[00:53:07] Speaker A: And there was a time too, remember that there was a partnership from the parent, the grandparent.
It was an educational partnership. The sole responsibility is not on the teacher. What resources, what support network do the educators have, the guidance counselors have. If you had to spend 90% of your instruction time with disciplining and getting the class together, and now 80% of the classroom time is gone because you just spent time. And then when you try to report that to the parent who is in denial, there's no way. There's no way, there's no way my child could have. Now who are you talking? So then they become combative, rather than saying, inviting that parent, come on, come on. We're not going to tell Pam that you're sitting in the back of the classroom. Just come on any given day a couple of times and observe for yourself.
[00:54:11] Speaker B: Right. Because that's what I grew up with, you know, I grew. Right. And that was the thing. And so now when people say, well, why are the teachers not doing this? They don't have support. It was a partnership, like you said. It's so many factors, and we don't.
[00:54:31] Speaker A: Want to throw in the diet and what we're eating.
We don't even want to talk about that.
[00:54:40] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:54:40] Speaker A: Okay. The food additives and all of that in our food and how our diet impacts our thinking, our energy level, our attention span.
You throw all that in the pot and this is what we're dealing with.
Shit.
What is our mindset like?
It's easy for us because it's so much going on. It's very easy to get overwhelmed. What I'm going to encourage your listeners to do is one, be true to yourself.
[00:55:30] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:55:32] Speaker A: Be true to yourself.
Be willing to accept the good, the bad and the ugly of self.
And I keep saying of self, because that's who you can control.
I can look at the good and the bad and the ugly of other things and other situations, but I may not be able to control that. But what I do have control and ownership of is my life.
[00:55:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:56:01] Speaker A: So that's why that's so powerful. When you talk about your mindset and self reflection and what type of things am I going to put in support of my own mindset?
That is critical, because that's what's going to help you to manage the struggle.
[00:56:21] Speaker B: Family, do you advocate for yourself?
Have you taken ownership of your own happiness? Are you able to identify support systems?
I challenge you to end the stigma of mental illness for yourself.
Come back strong, come back resilient. You can recover it all.
You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.
