Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories passion alone.
[00:00:02] Speaker B: Mourn. Guilt. Loneliness. Regret peace relationships unfamiliar if you put.
[00:00:09] Speaker A: God first, you'll never be last this.
[00:00:12] Speaker B: Is grief at the cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry.
Hello, family, and welcome to grief at the cookout. Today I am joined my high school best friend and homegirl, India black. India is a mom, natural hair enthusiast, conversationalist, and all around entrepreneur who knows exactly what it means to experience a journeyman's journey. She's a native of the greater Washington, DC area and cultivated in the arts world at a very young age. She sees the world through a colorful lens, navigating the world. Currently based out of Chicago and taking all of her lessons as life experiences, India plans to continue to grow and evolve as a divine being and hopes to continue to impact, inspire, intellectualize within herself and onto others throughout her life's journey. Tune in as we discuss childhood, adulthood, trajectory, decisions, and time that forms our right. All right. Welcome to the cookout. Welcome to the cookout. India, my good sis, my best friend from high school. Welcome to the cookout. It's so good to have you.
[00:01:38] Speaker A: It's so good to be here with my plate of potato salad.
[00:01:42] Speaker B: Come on. See, I was just about to ask you, what is your favorite cookout food?
[00:01:48] Speaker A: Baked beans with either macaroni salad or potato salad. And you know you got to do the mixture.
[00:01:55] Speaker B: Okay. Baked beans with potato salad. All right. And folks, if you hear anybody in the background, that's my lovely niece, Brooklyn.
[00:02:03] Speaker A: I tried you all.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: That's okay. But that's what makes it real. We at the cookout. You don't have no cookout if you ain't got kids running around in the background.
[00:02:13] Speaker A: She gonna be at the cookout.
[00:02:18] Speaker B: Laughing and smiling. I love it.
So we have India here, a good friend of mine, and today we're discussing the path. The path, the path. The path. The path. What does that mean? That's the trajectory. Your decisions, your timing, your seasons, all of that, and the grief that surrounds the path. Because everyone's path is different. Some people go left, I go right, I go north, you go south.
But it's all about recognizing that this is your path and that it's okay to go through that path. Sometimes you have to go through it alone.
[00:03:01] Speaker A: Right.
[00:03:02] Speaker B: And so just kind of give the people a little background on your path. Whatever you want to share, however you want to share it.
[00:03:12] Speaker A: I guess I could start post high school.
[00:03:15] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:03:15] Speaker A: Because my path was right when I turned 18, graduated high school, and decided to go to school in Chicago. Okay, so the path of that was interesting because a lot of my friends and besties, including you, were headed to Boston, we're headed to Virginia, Shannon Dover, I think so Boston Conservatory, Berkeley and all those places. And I said, well, I'm going to Chicago and I just wanted to go somewhere different and meet some different type of people and try a different experience. Although it still was centered around the arts, performing arts and everything. So it was definitely a culture shock for me to just kind of pack up everything and come to Chicago and 13 years later I'm still here. And that was an interesting transition for me because I didn't expect that 13 years later I would still be in Chicago. I thought my path was going to be, I do my four or five years and get out of there and either end up somewhere else or end up back home. But throughout college, I started doing hair, which I always did, even throughout high school, if you remember.
[00:04:31] Speaker B: Yeah, did hair was my side hustle.
[00:04:34] Speaker A: And it became my career for the past 13 years. So throughout that time, I've been here and I've evolved a lot. I've been through a lot, I've learned a lot, experienced a lot. And to see myself, from being 18 to now almost 33, it feels like it sometimes feels unreal that, okay, wow. I'm a grown woman. I'm grown, grown. We owe, we owe. But still, at the core of myself, India, I'm still that person. You know what I'm saying? I'm still know homegrown DMv bread. But through the experiences, through the trials and tribulations, through friendships and losses of friendships, failed relationships, and some relationships that stood the test of times, and also relationships that have maintained through the years hence. Again, the person I'm talking to, that is amazing to me, that never would I have thought that even I could actually maintain some of my core relationships even when moving to Chicago and remaining out here and still maintaining friendships from back home that still actually feel the most authentic to me than any friendship that I have in Chicago.
[00:05:53] Speaker B: The interesting thing is people always say when you get to college, you go really meet your friends there, your adulthood, you're really going to develop the friends and your friend base. And I have a best friend that I met in college and we've been, oh, lord, how long is that? 2000 hours? How many years ago was that?
[00:06:15] Speaker A: Like 1213.
[00:06:17] Speaker B: 1213 years. And so that was one of the things that I had, was my best friend. So that's like 1213 years. And then I have you. Let me tell you something.
We did some stuff.
We've been through a whole lot, but high school was so.
It's like high school, you just don't forget it, because that's when you're growing up. You're making decisions, you're doing this, you're doing that, you're doing that, you're doing this. But we was always together. If they knew, they called us Black raspberry.
Her last name, BlackBerry. That's right. My last name, raspberry. And they used to say, all right.
They knew if they couldn't find me, they will ask, have you seen the car? I don't know where he is. Or they say, where you see India? I don't know where she is now. I probably did know where you was.
[00:07:14] Speaker A: I was just going to say I.
[00:07:16] Speaker B: Knew, but I did know.
But we did a whole lot of things together, and still to this day, we got a chance to link up and get together in that. I wish we would have had microphones then, because that was hilarious. But we got a chance to link up and we haven't seen each other since.
When I had my locks, was that.
[00:07:38] Speaker A: 2015, 2015 or 2020? It definitely was before I had a daughter who's turning seven. So that was the measured time. It was like seven years measured time.
[00:07:50] Speaker B: And every time I was back home, or if she was home, I would always miss her because I was always doing shows and listen. But we thank God that I have some freedom now. Amen.
But it's one of those things where it's very true that certain high school friends that you make, those are lifelong friends. It's like family, and India is like family to really like family, like lifetime.
I could be on one side of the earth, she could be on the other. And then when we come back together, it's like, we ain't miss a beat.
[00:08:27] Speaker A: What I truly love about a lot of my.
I always call these, like, the homegrown friendships. These are friendships that were kind of organically built. I feel like that's what makes us so organic, is that time can pass us by, years can pass by, months, days. It's not. Why haven't you called me? Why haven't seen you? You know what I mean?
Those certain friendships that I have. It's like when I see you, I see you, and we about to have a ball and you know what I mean? It's like, not these rules and regulations.
We don't have that. Yeah. We don't have these rules and regulations or timestamps if you didn't check in, you know what I mean?
I guess, granted, we grew up in that era. You know what, actually, too d. I think that this is what really helped a lot of friendships, especially when people move to different places. Yeah, we grew up in the era when social media first, like, compared to our parents or what have you, they didn't have the tool to be able to kind of. Oh, I see. Okay, the Carl is in Boston. Okay. Oh, he's doing shows. Okay. He's good. Okay. Congratulations, friend. I can still touch and agree with, you know, so if we're not always constantly in tune with each other through phone or text or even in the physical realm, we're able to see that we're doing good.
[00:09:57] Speaker B: Right.
[00:09:59] Speaker A: I do appreciate that part of technology.
[00:10:02] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, that's the beauty. So that's, like, our background of where we came from and what we were doing. But then it was one of those things where, when it was time to graduate from high school that we all realized that we were all going different ways. I was going to a school that nobody else was at, except for one person who was an instrumentalist who graduated a couple of years before, and. But everyone else was going to different places. Some people were in know, as India said, but India went to Chicago. And I was like, okay, you going to Chicago? Then it's like, oh, yeah, I would try to visit, couldn't visit.
We were all in different places. But that was your then. And what was your major originally?
[00:10:56] Speaker A: My major was music management. And then I said, but you know what? What I appreciate about college is even though you have your majors, I did all my prereq first, so I had, like, one class, and I was like, I'm not really feeling this. So I transitioned into communications, and I still was able to kind of, like, sub major and do music throughout school. So I was able to do both. So it was great. It's just that I was doing my hustle and bustle on the side of school. So I feel like my experience would have been different had I not been working throughout college. But because I was, I was like, I don't regret it. It was a good experience, and it definitely built the work ethic that I have today. But I always do picture, like, had, you know, focused on trying to make sure I had money throughout school while being away. What would my college experience have been like? And would I have still been here?
[00:11:56] Speaker B: Right.
[00:11:56] Speaker A: You know what mean? Like, I think that would have been totally different, but here we are.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: But the thing, know, you were always a hustler. India was always different from everybody else. It was almost as like, I don't want to say, like, she was a realist, but India was that person that you just knew at the end of the day that she was going to make stuff know, even if she had to do it on her own. And that was one thing that I always admired because being a friend, she gave me the courage to say, okay, it's okay, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to go to the school. I'm going to go on.
And I want to say, I think I remember us having the conversation when I was like, I'm going to be all alone. Ain't nobody going to be there. I'm not going to see anybody. And you were like, it's going to be okay. You're going to go there. You're going to do what's best for you. You're going to make a name for yourself. So she was also that person that pushes, that was a pusher for everyone else. And so I say all that to say that moving into different directions of our lives, we have so much and so many different things that are going on.
And I know the grief for me was that moving into a space and place where there were not many black people, where there was like 20 black people out of 600, 800 people, grad and undergrad, that I had to deal with the helms of that. And I always had to make sure that people knew that black people were here and here. So talk about a little bit about your experience that as you moved and navigating through college and working, what was the challenges or lessons learned? Life lessons, as our parents like to say, things that you learned that you can look back on and be like, you know what? I'm glad I went through this because this is what I learned.
[00:13:56] Speaker A: I feel like some of my challenges was just staying focused because I'm one to easily get lost in the thought. So sometimes I can travel off course a little bit. And it's funny because now I have a daughter and I also have clientele that are. I started doing a lot of their hair when they were younger girls, so now they're in their tween and teens. So one thing I try to push for them is to always literally put yourself first. And when I say that, I mean that. I feel like when you do put yourself first, your goals first, and really hone in on preserving yourself throughout all the experiences that everything else will naturally attract to you. Because I feel like when I first came here, I was so consumed with this independence that it was almost like, oh, I can do whatever I want. But I think that's a part of the college experience. Like, when you go away from home, when you leave the nest, you're like, oh, I'm free.
[00:14:54] Speaker B: I could do whatever. Yes. We was ready to go.
[00:14:57] Speaker A: Yeah. So I'm definitely one that has always been distracted by the gentleman, the gentleman, the men. That's been my thing.
And I'm pretty good at skating by. I'm not one to completely fall apart. I'm going to get and by with the things that I have to do and things that I need to do. But now, at 33, knowing so much about myself and knowing my capabilities and the brightness that I possess and how resourceful I am and how I feel like I can kind of flourish through any path, it feels like I had to learn and I struggled with putting myself first and seeing that throughout life. If I just follow my path and live my life and put myself first and not try to appease or appeal to the temptation of having men or having boyfriends or having this and having that, that I would have been probably a little bit more further and things would have attracted to me throughout the way I feel like it doesn't mean that you lack because you're putting yourself first or that you're going to put your focus on yourself. I feel like when you're thriving within yourself that naturally everything will happen, naturally things will attract to you. But when you chase things, then you kind of get off the course and you kind of lose yourself throughout the experience and you have to constantly redefine and find yourself over and over again because you're chasing. And I feel like that's not natural to chase, especially when you're a defined being.
[00:16:38] Speaker B: Come on, here. Defined being with the glass.
[00:16:45] Speaker A: Come on. When you're a divine being.
But it took a lot for me to believe that I was.
[00:16:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:54] Speaker A: So I always looked for that outside approval or that outside affirmation instead of affirming myself. So when you're constantly looking and chasing for that outside approval, yeah. You're going to have to go through some experiences and bump your head a few times and learn your lesson a few times. But I just feel like I'm glad that I did finally start to understand it and get it. And I do understand that even throughout life, the lessons don't stop. I feel like that the experiences just teach you how to go through it better and to make better choices.
Yeah. I just had to really find happiness in myself. And I do remember a time that my dad, I was dating somebody and my dad was like, oh, you must be lonely. And it could have came from being away from. Yeah, you know, girl, he gonna keep it above looked at that man and said, you must be looked at man, up and down.
[00:17:58] Speaker B: With your father.
[00:18:00] Speaker A: Yeah. But I think by me choosing to stay in Chicago, and I feel like outside of working, I really didn't find much fulfillment outside of that. Yeah, college experiences was great, but then everything else that consumed me was just going to work, you know what I'm saying? And then, oh, I would have a little boyfriend here or a little guy there, but I wasn't like doing and living, you know what I mean? Just like grasping experiences. So I do think along the way and along the years, I just got into this mundane routine of working and going to school that, what am I trying to say? Going through those mundane experiences of everyday working, I felt like I was missing so much more. So I think in my dad saying that you must be lonely, I started saying, I think I miss home. I think I miss my people. Like, everything else that attributed to my life, I don't have that anymore. Or I didn't find space, or it just didn't feel like anything was organically built here, you know what I mean? When it came to friendships and relationships and of course, having your family, and because I come from a really big, traditional family, I feel like that's my grounding. So because I wasn't in that space anymore, I was here alone, doing what I was supposed to do, taking care of myself, but not being fulfilled, I think that was the problem for me. It was like, okay, I'm independent. I have my own place, I'm paying my bills, I go to work, I go to school. But it's like, okay, that's not life. That's not the completion of living.
And I didn't feel like I was forging, really.
And I did have a few friendships, I will say, that were really like, I still have a friend that I went to school with. But then even once she left, it just felt like, oh, even when I'm here now, everyone's, it's kind of like when we went to college. So once college was done here, then everyone started moving on, and it just was like, okay, so I feel like that's where I am in life right now, just trying to balance the things that I have successfully created but still have a piece of life outside of work and being a mom. And I feel like even the last time I saw you and I came home, those are the parts that I know I want now. I need that type of fulfillment because I feel like when it comes to dating, dating is a big thing for me. So when it does come to grief, that's been where a lot of my grief has come from, like relationships and trying to find myself in relationships or the most traumatic one that I did experience was with my child's other contribution.
Not a contribution, it was giving contribution.
[00:21:14] Speaker B: You contributed. That's all you did.
[00:21:16] Speaker A: Thank you for your contribution.
We appreciate your business. Now, please excuse a very. I think that's when I really started kind of sitting myself down like, okay, India, who are you, and where do you define your worth? Because this right here ain't it. And if you keep chasing this, whatever it is, then you're going to keep self destructing. And that's when I started really being more intentional about myself and about who I allow in my space.
Motherhood definitely was another thing that humbled me, but motherhood, for me was like a lifesaver to me.
[00:22:02] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:22:03] Speaker A: It definitely was. It definitely just kind of brought into perspective.
Okay, girl, you was raised better than this, you know? Better than this. And I knew that even becoming a mom, I would have to kind of like, you want to be the best mom you can be. And I understand that even me being a mom isn't defined as me being perfect. But I did know that I would have to step up to the plate and level up, because I would have somebody watching me 100%. So even the choices that I make, I had to be mindful of how these teachable moments would teach her how to value men and value herself. I think that's the biggest thing. Like her watching me, I'm showing her how to have self worth and self value so that when she does potentially date, that she's in tune with herself. You know what I mean? And that doesn't waiver because this person doesn't like you or that person doesn't like you. You're not chasing the approval or the opinions of others. As long as you're firm than yourself, you'll be fine. So a lot of my grief definitely came from the dating world.
[00:23:20] Speaker B: It's interesting because sometimes we think, I know we ask these questions of, why am I going through this, to do this, to do that. But it's one of those things that when you look at your trajectory and you look at where you were and what you learned, it's one of those things where this saved my life, but this now also helps me to contribute to the world so that this individual can contribute to the world. And I think that it's really important that people who are on their paths and paths of life and the ups and the downs and the ebbs and the flow, sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture, and it's really hard to look at the bigger picture because you don't want to look at the bigger picture because you're living in the now and you're not looking at the furthest thing. But to consider that what my legacy is and what I'm leaving in the world, what is it and how am I leaving it in the world? That's really interesting. And to think that family, a lot of people think that family is like, for me, I don't really have a whole huge traditional family. We were all like, spread out and all of this stuff. So me being away is kind of like a vacation.
I love my family, but it's also one of those things where everyone, we're like workaholics, we're like worker bees. But it's so interesting to even hear that.
I know that my base and my foundation, I didn't have that. And it's really important that we're even able to understand that sometimes the foundation that I need is in a certain place, and sometimes you may have to go back to that place to kind of re up before you go to your next. Yeah. And ground yourself before you go to your next assignment, your next mission, or the next thing that you're about to do. So I think that shows a great sign of maturity that you can even say, you know what? I need my family. I need this. But I'm going to be honest with you. Even meeting India's family was something, because let me tell you something.
I knew it was a good time. It was one of those things, like, even with friends, and I don't know if many people can relate, but sometimes when your family isn't as close knit, sometimes. And not that they're not close, but how we view our families is from our own perspective. It's subjective. But sometimes you see families where their family is tight knit and it's close. Like, my best friend Kalia, her family is tight. Honey, let me tell you something. One person is graduating from college. Autumn jokers show up. I mean, everybody show up. And my family was just never, ever like that because everyone was just on their own path. Everyone was working their own thing and doing their own thing and getting with it, and everyone was just all spread out. And not that that is a bad thing. We know how to come together. I'm going to be honest. Normally it's doing funerals or weddings like that. Yeah, or like something like that. But it wasn't, like, really tight knit. So to observe other, others families and how close they were and how tight knit they were is really something. And for you to even say, oh, I need to just go back a little bit just for a recharging.
[00:27:09] Speaker A: And I think that even to Carla, the last time I saw my family, like you say how your family's like worker bees. My family is exactly like that. So I think that even in me preparing to transition back home around my family or in the area, I'll say I had to even sit with myself and be realistic. Like, yeah, you come home and it's for eventful things, but this isn't everyday life. You know what I mean? Because I left at 18 and I didn't come back, I felt like I missed so much because it was like I learned to navigate adulthood here in Chicago.
[00:27:47] Speaker B: Right?
[00:27:48] Speaker A: So DC or DMV was my break away from Chicago in adulting, but I had to learn, like, okay, when I come back, I'm going to be adulting. Yeah, right? It's not like everyone's just sitting around, we're cooking together. I had to even put myself into realistic expectations, because in the beginning, I had this fairytale expectation of, oh, when I come home, we're all going to do family stuff all the time. And it's like, no, you come home and it's Christmas, it's thanksgiving, it's for an actual birthday party or event. But when you do come home, you're going to have to navigate your adulthood somewhere else. And it happens to be in our home based area. But the advantage would be is that my family is an arm's length at this point. So if I am working all week and I want to go grab food with my mom on the weekend, I can do that. Or with my siblings or our kids get together. That's another thing. Me and my daughter are like, we're partners, we're roommates, we're mommy and daughter, and we do everything together. So we don't have family here at all. There's no other person responsible for my child but me. And then she has a little nanny. But outside of that, just the support that one would have, I don't have that. And I never once complained about it or griped about it. But when I do go home, and throughout the years of my daughter traveling with me back home, I just noticed that she thrives a lot better in a space of safety, of family, so it's not all this dependency on one person.
It's a little spread out, like, oh, you got your grandparents here, your aunties and uncles, and she still has a great grandson and her cousins.
Outside of her friendships that she'll build, she still has cousins.
And what it sounds like to me.
[00:29:51] Speaker B: Is just having that support system.
Yeah, the village. Because it's really important, especially in the time and the day and age that we live in, especially when you have children. What children are exposed to now is so different than what we were exposed to. And what do they call us? Are we Generation X now?
We're millennials. Okay, thank you.
We're millennials. Yeah. But being the millennial, we went through a whole lot of everything. And I think what was so thick for us was now stepping into places and spaces where we had a voice. And I don't know who I was talking to. I might have been talking to Cameron, who was on, who I recorded with last week, and I said, it's one of those things where our parents equipped us with so much, our parents taught us how to stand up for ourselves, how to stick up for ourselves. And I feel like we're that last generation of the people that truly remember what it looked like for segregation and remembering Malcolm X and the Martin Luther king of it all and everything, and how we were moving in an era where now it is okay for us to stand up for ourselves. Because the generation after us, right, the generation after us, not that they're standing up for themselves, but I don't want to say that they're reckless. I don't want to say that term, but I want to say that it's one of those things where it's like, if I have to risk it all at this point.
Exactly. It's like, if I have to risk it all, if I got to take me out with it, then I'm going to take me out with it, because everything else didn't work. And I feel like we were that last year and that group of people that grew up with where we're kind of stuck in the middle. But Gen Z, they own something else.
They own something else. And I think that it's one of those things that with everything that's happening in our government and all of those different things that people need to know that these people don't care. But what's happening is.
[00:32:07] Speaker A: Yeah, it's the awareness.
[00:32:09] Speaker B: The awareness. But what they have to realize now is those individuals now can vote.
So it's a little bit different.
As we were growing up. We grew up with the conservatism, but with the democracy, being a democrat, but I'm still conservative. But, yeah, you still know how to uphold certain things. Now it's like, if we don't have it all, then we ain't got nothing.
And so it's a different trajectory for them. But for us, it was a lot of firsts. For us, it was a lot. Even going into high school wearing uniforms, they weren't doing that before then. Why you got to do it? When we go in, we had to pass tests to graduate out of high school. How many times I take that dag on math test? I think I took it like three or four times, always missing, like five points. The past, everything else, except for that.
[00:33:04] Speaker A: Right.
[00:33:04] Speaker B: So for us, it was a lot of first, and then it was like they were starting to build some things, and we were like the tryout class for it. We were the guinea pigs for how they were going to do things. So that for us, putting us into a place where we have to be adults and we have to adult the way that we need to, it was a lot of first for us. So a lot of us fail and got back up and tried it again and got back up and went back into it. But I think that it's really important that as we move forward, we realize, even through the trial and the tribulation, what brought us great lessons, because I'm kind of grateful for the stuff that I've been through, because had I not gone through it, I think about now, if I didn't do it, where would I be now?
Okay, come on, Brooklyn. She said what?
Come on.
[00:34:07] Speaker A: Yeah, but, no, I do feel like there's nothing I regret. All the things that, when I speak about dating and balancing that with work and balancing that with learning and spending time with myself, I definitely know that it worked out in my favor and it built the person I am today, because I know earlier you say, oh, we're older now, but we're still hella young. So what I'm happy about is that because I do hair for a living, which means what I do appreciate about. Excuse me. Is that in me doing hair, I do a lot of women. Like, my main clientele is female, so my demographic of women is probably ages, like, I'll say 30 to 50. That's the core. And then I have my few young, but just like, hearing, I feel like being a hairstylist or being a barber or what have you, that's the chair of grief.
You hear everyone's stories and everything. People go through, through their sickness, through their grief of losing people, marriages and divorce, everything. So perspective wise, I feel like a lot of my clients have gone through when it comes to relationships or work life balance or relationship life balance. I look like, okay, I'm kind of glad I went through a lot more in my twenty s. Yeah, because some of them are still going through some of these hard lessons with men or their counterparts in their late thirty s and forty s.
And I'm not judging in any way, but I'm glad that one of my biggest griefs happened throughout when I had my relationship with my contributor daughter's other parent contributor.
I'm glad that happened in my mid to late twenty s and then towards my late 20s till now, it's become a rediscovering of self while still discovering how to be a mom, but still trying to define who I am outside of being a mom because that part was difficult even after having a kid like, okay, well, where do I stand as India outside of being a mom? Because I just kind of dedicated myself to motherhood, which I'm really happy about. But what's healthy is to balance also having a sense of self outside of being a mom. Because I'm not just a mom, I'm India and I enjoy things outside of. And like, even I guess when I see friendships like you and I, or other friendships or spending time or learning things about myself, it kind of helps remind me that I deserve to still be an individual without the titles of motherhood or this job or anything. Like, just things that make me happy. Without anything that feels like someone's depending on me. It doesn't feel like with you, friendships don't feel like a responsibility.
[00:37:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:37:10] Speaker A: And I think that's what I meant when I said when it comes to most of my friendships, I don't ever feel like I'm responsible for you all. It doesn't feel like you guys hold me to this, oh, you didn't do this. And you didn't show up for me in this way because you all appreciate how we just kind of meet in the middle and we vibe from there. And those parts of my life feel the easiest because it feels so carefree. It's not a deadline. It's not, I gotta tuck someone in or feed someone dinner or I got to be to this client by this time. It's just like our friendship is just literally, it could almost make me feel like I'm back at Suitland. It's just very nostalgic.
What's beautiful about those formative years of friendships. Those are the friendships where we didn't have to pay bills, we didn't have responsibilities. So we were just literally being, we.
[00:38:07] Speaker B: Had a good time living, and we.
[00:38:08] Speaker A: Were in the moments like nothing. We had to do our homework and learn music, but we don't have to uphold these responsibilities on one another. So I feel like even transitioning into adulthood, that's what feels so good about being around my friends, that it just feels easy. And I feel like everyone deserves to have a piece of easy in their life.
[00:38:30] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:38:31] Speaker A: Where it doesn't feel heavy.
[00:38:32] Speaker B: Right. Having the friendships that we had, I think we were also that type of people, and I think this also had to deal with how we were raised, with our parents mistakes, because a lot of times we were held to the standards where our parents kind of vicariously lived through us a little bit. And it was one of those things where I think they kind of learned early on that you raise these strong, independent children and they think for themselves and they're vocal. You can't be upset and you can't kind of live through us and what our past is. But because they raised us to be so sure that it was very easy to leave the childhood behaviors and it was very easy to leave those high school moments of he said, she said and they said and they did. And all of that type of drama behind because I'm at the point, I mean, I'm 32, but I ain't got time for drama. You better go on somewhere. We're not doing that. I'm like, what's right is right is right, and what's wrong is wrong. And it's like I have this nonsense, no bs type of attitude when it comes to things, especially with friendships. We got too much going on and we got too many bills to pay for us to be worried about.
Well, you didn't call me this and you didn't call me that and you didn't do this and you didn't ask me out. Look, if you want to hang out with me, you let me know that you want to hang out. If we going to meet, we going to meet. But understand that everybody got their old things that they have to do, and you don't know what people are going through, and you got to learn how to give people some grace. If anything. That was one of my biggest lessons that I learned is giving people grace. And so sometimes when people look at me and say, well, why are you just going to let them treat you that way? It's not about them treating me that way. It's the fact that I don't know what's actually happening now. If something shady is happening, right. If something shady is happening, then it's going to show itself. Boom.
[00:40:37] Speaker A: Exactly like you said, sometimes people are like, whatever they're doing is really a projection of themselves. Right.
It probably has literally nothing to do with you. So whatever you are going through, I hope you get through it.
[00:40:50] Speaker B: Look, you can come on back. Right? Good God speed.
We just never know.
The friend group that we had when we were high school is not there like it was before. And that was one of the things that we even talked about was, like, the friends that we had and how different people were. And during the college years, we all were, like, keeping up because we had Uvu back then. And so that was our Zoom and Skype.
Yeah.
Was having Uvu where we would sit and kind of catch up, especially in our freshman year. But even looking back on the people that kind of didn't make it to our adulthood, it's okay. It's just one of those things where you realize that was that and now.
Right.
It.
I look at it and I'm just like, where I am now. You wouldn't have survived being my friend if you were so dependent.
[00:42:01] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:42:02] Speaker B: On what the friendship looks like. I told a friend today, I said, whatever relationship that we have, you decide with that person what that looks like for you. Don't let other people decide what a relationship is supposed to look like for you. You all decide it because you're in the relationship. But so oftentimes, absolutely. People look at people on social media or people that live their relationships out loud and in the public eye and what people think or who they confide in, and they let that really define what their relationship be, where it's romantic, sexual, or friendships. And the thing is, you can't let other people define that. You have to go your own way. And whoever this friend is, what I do with you is what I do with you. And yes, we can all be in a group and have fun and all that together, but this is what our friendship looks like. It doesn't look like my friendship with someone else.
[00:43:05] Speaker A: Yeah. And the social media thing, that's why I've kind of slowly kind of tuned out because it's like, pop in here and there.
[00:43:14] Speaker B: Right.
[00:43:14] Speaker A: But especially, like, if I see someone saying, I can't handle a friend, if I see a video that starts like that, I immediately scroll because I'm like, that's your personal experience.
[00:43:25] Speaker B: Right.
[00:43:26] Speaker A: And while it is okay for you to have your standard. I cannot use your standard as my rubric for friendship. And if I feel like, oh, she's requiring this, and I allow this, then I'm sitting here questioning myself, like, no, certain things. Like, some people are super high maintenance, and that's not the friend that I am. And even when it comes to just even romantic relationships, I've learned that a lot of it has been defined by the outside societal pressures or the standards that everyone projects. So it's almost like me kind of unlearning those conditionings has helped a little bit because it's now, like me kind of settling into. Okay, but what do you like, aside from what everyone else is saying is right and wrong, even when it came to that relationship that I was in, that really was a life changer. It was really built on, oh, he's really cute. He's really this, he's really that. But you don't know.
Yeah. What looks good isn't.
What may look good may not taste good.
[00:44:33] Speaker B: Come on. What? Glitter ain't gold, okay?
[00:44:37] Speaker A: You can see a glazed donut sitting on the table, and you bite into it and it's stale.
[00:44:41] Speaker B: Watch out.
[00:44:42] Speaker A: Okay, what looks good?
Been sitting there for three days.
A fly and the roach didn't. Rolled up on.
[00:44:50] Speaker B: Oh, no, not.
[00:44:52] Speaker A: You never know.
You never know. But you so willing to take it because it's shiny. It's like a new toy. You just want to. Oh. And I've even learned to just appreciate people more.
The spirit of a person. Like the soul of a person, how they make me feel, their vibration. Like, how are we ebbing and flowing versus, oh, this looks good with me. And it's like, no, it's just so pretentious. So I feel like that was a big lesson for me. Like a life lesson. Like, okay, those things taught me, because I remember even my dad used to say, indy, sometimes you can be shallow. Like, you're just going off of looks.
And I've even had to say that I can still date or get to know people or engage with people that are physically attractive, because I've learned even. Also because even after that, I tried to date a frog.
Well, wait a minute.
[00:45:55] Speaker B: Okay, Princess Tiana.
[00:45:57] Speaker A: It didn't work. He wasn't, uh. Oh. It wasn't on the v. It was a wasn't. You know what I'm saying? So it's not even about really.
It is about the appearance, but there's just so much more surrounding it. So I think even that mindset of, oh, I'll date someone that's not conventionally attractive because they'll treat me better. No, it just doesn't work like that. I think people should just go for what makes them feel good and not in the moment, just throughout the, and I feel like I even try to treat my romantic relationships or interactions as if they were friendships with my friends.
If they don't feel like how my friends make me feel, then I just feel like it ain't that real, it ain't that popping.
I'm just happy that you learn as you go, and I'm happy that I take the opportunity to use everything as a lesson and their life experiences, and I try not to make the same mistakes. And if I do, I understand that, yeah, God will keep allowing you to make the same mistakes till you get it. Yeah.
So I feel like it's led me this far, and I still have a lifetime to go, dee. So I'm actually excited, like, oh, if I'm this awakened woman now, because I was wounded at a point. I was a very wounded female. I had a wounded feminine energy. That's where the chasing comes from versus attractive. When you're awakened, you allow things to attract to you, and you stand firm in who you are. You know what I mean? And I'm still learning those parts of me while being a mom and outside of being a mom. So I would like to see what 35 would be or what 40 would be like, because, like, I told you, I interact with women all day.
I'm telling you the stuff that I've heard. And I thought that, oh, because I'm younger, I'm going through this. But then once I've seen that they're telling some of the same stories I'm telling, or you got women in their 60s, it's like, oh, so this is like, life is about really choosing.
[00:48:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:48:12] Speaker A: Like, really choosing. And that's where the will comes in. Like, your willingness to, you know, I don't beat myself up anymore because I feel like, especially we, as human beings, carlo, life is not as unique as we think or our experiences.
[00:48:30] Speaker B: Right.
[00:48:30] Speaker A: They're not as unique. We're, like, woven, like a woven quilt of know, I'm gonna keep on going.
[00:48:39] Speaker B: No, come on. With your held head high. No. I truly believe that it's one of those things where understanding where you've been, understanding what your aspirations is and where you want to go, but also leaving room for.
Also leaving room to be kind to yourself, but also leaving room to make mistakes, but also leaving room to know that this may not be what I thought it could be and that there's a bigger and larger picture and that maybe actually what my trajectory and what's a part of my path and my walk is something totally different. And the biggest thing, and I always say this to people, is be kind to yourself. Oh, yeah. Be gentle. Because every moment and every step, every hiccup and all of that, it stacks up for a reason. It's all to play out for something bigger than just who we are and how we feel or how we may view ourselves.
And it is really important that we have, like you said, a great support system. No matter what that looks like, whether that's your child, whether that's your family, whether that's your friends, it's just really important that you are able to identify, know.
[00:50:07] Speaker A: Yeah. And have that balance. So I think that I'm in the space of just kind of like learning the comfort of myself, my own company. But the good thing, I guess, too, is that I've been in Chicago so long alone that that's one thing I will say I thrive in. I have literally learned to enjoy my own company. But it's the balance of enjoying your company, enjoying other people, and retrieving back to yourself. I was reading something the other day about being comfortable with uncertainty.
So that just means being present.
[00:50:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:50:39] Speaker A: Because you're so uncertain about every moment that's going to lead you into the next moment, into the next moment. And if you get comfortable and just knowing that life is uncertain, then you'll kind of learn to live in the present. And you're not always anticipating, oh, what's next? What's next? What's next?
[00:50:56] Speaker B: Just be family.
Do you feel that the path you're on is blocked? Or do you feel that you've made a slight detour?
Consider that there is no wrong turn. Consider that every turn, roundabout, left or right turn is a part of your path and growth.
While events change our lives, intention changes the trajectory.
You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.
