Affirmations with Joshua Lenox

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Memories passion alone mourn guilt loneliness regret. [00:00:05] Speaker B: Peace relationships unfamiliar if you put God. [00:00:09] Speaker A: First, you'll never be last this is. [00:00:12] Speaker B: Grief at the cookout, hosted by DiCarlo Raspberry. Hello family and welcome to grief at the cookout. Today I am joined by a very special friend, Joshua Lennox. Joshua is a certified professional coach, licensed clinical mental health counselor and national certified counselor. He received his coaching certification from the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching. While attending there, he also became a core performance dynamic specialist and energy Leadership index master specialist. He has a master's of science degree in sociology and anthropology from the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and a Master of Arts in pastoral counseling and Master of Arts in professional counseling from Liberty University. In addition, he is also the owner of JLL Productions, Inc. And an author with his first book entitled Josh Ology 10 the Study of Josh through devotion, encouragement and affirmation. While he possesses other gifts and talents such as dancing, singing and acting, he simply loves to serve others by bringing encouragement, inspiration, motivation, change, unity and healing in whatever capacity he is able. This is why he is often quoted saying, you've always been great. You're just getting better. He desires to take many on an amazing journey that will be life changing, transforming and unforgettable. Tune in as Josh and I discuss affirmations, our culture, community and so much more. [00:02:03] Speaker A: Oh, we have Joshua Linux on the podcast today and I'm so excited. Joshua, welcome to the you. [00:02:11] Speaker C: Thank you, thank you. I'm excited to be here and just glad to just be here. [00:02:14] Speaker A: In another it's a Sunday. It's a Sunday afternoon, so we fresh out of church. [00:02:22] Speaker C: Amen. [00:02:23] Speaker A: I did bedside Baptist and that's okay. And that's Tabitha Brown says it's my business, right? [00:02:31] Speaker C: That's what she said. [00:02:33] Speaker A: That's what she said. Let me tell y'all something. This man is on his stuff. I reached out to him, he got back so fast. My head spent around three times and got back to me with everything and I was like, well, this is what I want to see. Okay. It's so good to have you. So look, every guest that I have, I always ask them this important question, okay? And that is, what is your favorite cookout food? Now, you can have multiple or you can base your cookout food on how you are feeling today. [00:03:18] Speaker C: That's not fair. [00:03:21] Speaker A: That's why I said today the way. [00:03:24] Speaker C: That my stomach just grumbled. Anyway, got to have the ribs. Got to have the ribs. You said we can have more than one, right? [00:03:35] Speaker A: Yeah. Actually, since you hungry, you can tell me what's on your cookout plate. [00:03:41] Speaker C: Okay. So on my picture it, okay. It's not the section kind. It's the big kind, the Dixie kind. [00:03:47] Speaker A: It's the wide, the one where everything bleeds together, comes together. [00:03:51] Speaker C: Everybody has a conversation. So we're going to have the ribs. You got your country ribs, country style ribs. Okay. Got to be country style. Got you some good old baked beans. Oh, the way my stomach is bubbling. So you're going to have to have the potato salad, auntie's potato salad, somebody, auntie, grandmama, somebody potato salad. Not the kind from the store. Okay. Homemade. Yeah. That's not it. You can throw it away, throw it in trash. I got to have me at least one good chicken leg that looked like it's been burned a little bit. Just a little bit. [00:04:26] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:26] Speaker C: Yeah. Then I got to have at least one hot dog that looks like it's just been like it's just been burnt to a crisp. That's what's on my plate. That's what's on my plate for the first. [00:04:42] Speaker A: That's the first place. Well, you don't made me a little hungry. [00:04:46] Speaker C: Well, you done it and did it. [00:04:49] Speaker A: I'm going to just go ahead and sip my tea here. [00:04:52] Speaker C: Okay. [00:04:53] Speaker A: Well, that's what's on his cookout plate on today. We're so glad we bring it all to the table here on grief at the cookout, whatever it is that. I know you had asked me about the concept of grief at the cookout, and sometimes some of my listeners know this. I think I've stated this, like, probably the first season, but this podcast is for us to discuss grief, to normalize grief, to normalize pain, and to talk about how we do to get out of it, how do we do to manage it, what do we do to manage the struggles? And it's just so interesting that in the black family and when we have the cookouts or when we have dinner, we talk about everything over food. And it makes things just a little bit easier when we're talking about things over some water or wine or beer or a Pepsi or RC, I'm taking it back. You don't even know what that is. A gin jail, a punch, the church punch and sweet tea. Hello, half a palmer, whatever. And food. And one thing about it is I don't think that we as a people realize that as us being characters in our own lives and dealing with our own different things, that food has a character in our life. Food does something for us. And so now, not just food, that is to nourish the body, but also food that nourishes the soul and that nourishes the mind. So now I'm going to ask you another question. [00:06:42] Speaker C: That's good. [00:06:44] Speaker A: What? You like that? I felt my mind and Judy back then. [00:06:50] Speaker C: Here we go. [00:06:54] Speaker A: For this particular episode, talking about affirmations, if you could pick your favorite food for the soul or if you wanted to give an affirmation or whatever, it doesn't have to be an affirmation. But if you could pick something that's good for the soul, your favorite something, favorite food for the soul, what would that be? [00:07:23] Speaker C: This is really making my stomach go. But anyway, this doesn't have to be the food portion. Not that anymore. But if I had to think about something for food for the soul, probably for me personally, that would have to be on my plate. It would probably actually be, I would have to say, exercise. Exercising. Why I say that is because I think it pulls together the mental, the emotional and the physical as well. So it's not just I'm working out my body, but I'm working out my mind. I'm going through some things, I'm working out some things, even spiritually. I often say it, too, when I'm working out. And it's not just about, I mean, you want to look good. Yes. You want to have your body in a certain way and manner and all of those things. But I think it always parallels my life. I think about the challenges that it takes for me to, if I want to lift heavier weights, it's going to require more strength. So it's going to take more time. And I might not want to rush myself so quickly to hurry up. And I'm not going to start going to the gym and pick up a 50 pound weight if I haven't even started with ten or twelve. So I think about come on in life. [00:08:37] Speaker A: That's a word. [00:08:38] Speaker C: Stay with me. I'm going to bless you. But if you go through your life and you realize when you're on this journey, there are certain things that you're trying to get to, you can't get there so fast. Give yourself some time, give yourself some space for grace. I say all the time, when you get to working out, if you have been out of working out for so long, you can't just jump in thinking, I'm going to go back, I'm about to kill it for two straight hours. And you, first five minutes, you're ready to fall out. And it's like, give yourself those small steps in order to get to those bigger things. So I would say that has to be on my plate because everything parallels with working out to me with fitness. If I talk about my relationship spiritually into my own being, it's like this push up that's so hard and struggling if I keep doing multiple push ups. But also, what about the challenges in my life that are so hard? Am I going to just fall out in the floor when things get tough? Or am I going to keep pushing? Or am I going to give myself that? Maybe the next day when I do some push ups, I might be able to do many more or the next week? So can I do the same thing in my life to give myself a look? And I keep saying space for grace to kind of grow to that next level that I'm trying to get to and not rush to get there. So, yeah, I think that that would be fitness would definitely be something that I would say would be on my good old plate to be food for the soul. [00:10:05] Speaker A: Now, listen, he doesn't dropped a bunch of gems there, so do your due diligence. Rewind, press play, write it down, because he already started. Okay, now, this particular season, this second season, I'm dealing with things that we talk about but we really don't talk about in our community and that we really don't deal with. And affirmations is something, I don't think that it's taboo to our culture, but it's something that I think that people can learn more about. I think people don't really know how to use it. I think some people don't even know what it is. And when you really say, when we think about the scripture that says death and life is in the power of the tongue, I think it's really important that this speaking of affirmations specifically, is where we can really use our tongue and let our words create our world. So when you think of affirmations, we going to delve in. But when you think of affirmations and you think of our culture, our black culture, our african american culture, what are some of the things that come to mind? Because I know there's some things for me, but when you think of the affirmations, what are some of the things that come to mind for you? [00:11:38] Speaker C: When I think of affirmations for the lovely and wonderful and fearfully black culture that we are part of, I actually think about the things we're told that we're not. So sometimes, going back to what you said about power, life and death being your tongue, I think also of the I'm a piggyback. Come on. We're going to piggyback. Preach. [00:11:59] Speaker A: Come on. Piggyback. Come on. [00:12:02] Speaker C: I think about the other scripture that says that we speak those things that are not as though they were. [00:12:07] Speaker A: Oh, by. [00:12:08] Speaker C: So watch out. But more times, when we think about affirming one another, and again, affirmation can mean that I'm validating something that is true within myself or within other people. When I'm affirming you to tell you that you are an amazing person, you can do all things through Christ, that you can do anything you put your mind to, that you're a beautiful person, that you're handsome, that you're intelligent. These are things I'm affirming that are true and validating who you are to your core. However, there's a lot of time spent on what we're not. You're not good enough for this, or you're responsible for how other people feel. You are overlooked. You're unwanted. You're undesired. So when we hear even also knowing that a love language is words of affirmation, what does that mean? It's like, well, validation is a health kind of. I always put those two together, affirmation and validation. Because if I'm validating somebody or myself, oftentimes this looks like I don't need anybody to validate me. I don't need anybody to tell me that I'm amazing, I'm a great person or whatever, but it's hard, probably, for that person to receive that if they were told when they were growing up, you ain't going to never be anything, oh, that's too big. You think it too high. Don't get too high about yourself. Don't get too cocky. And the person might have been trying to exhibit a level of confidence, and somebody tells them, you're being cocky. So now they learn how to play small. Or that person who is. I'm going to kind of insert just a little personal part right here I remember from myself growing up, I think when the fourth grade, I talk about this actually, in my book, which, again, I forget that I actually am an author, but. [00:13:55] Speaker A: Josh ology. [00:13:57] Speaker C: Yeah, that part I remember being in the fourth grade, and I remember some kids kept saying, they were chanting in the lunchroom for days. They would say, ugly, josh, ain't easy on the eyes. You ugly. And I was like, are they talking about me? And, I mean, the laughter that would rip through the cafeteria. And, I mean, some people who were my friends, they would just kind of be sitting there, like, looking to see how I was going to take it. They continued and continued and continued. And I remember one day I cried at home. I wasn't going to let nobody see me cry in school. I would cry at home. And I remember one day coming back finally, and they did it again. And this time, I said it with them. And then I took a bow when they were done, that stopped them. It's almost like there was a part of them saying, like, oh, no, he's not supposed to join in. Surely he's supposed to be. We're trying to break him down. But what that did to me is it planted something in me. It told me I was ugly, and I believed it because those were my peers. Even though with family and people close to me always telling me how handsome I was, how smart I was, intelligent, it didn't matter at that point, because these are my peers, and they're telling me this about me. So I took it on. So, again, affirming could also mean that you're telling me something again. Now I take hold to it, and so now I believe it. So now I'm affirming myself, and I look in the mirror, subconsciously saying, you're ugly. And now I carried that and carried that. So then when I got older and people were telling me, you so fine, you so handsome, dang you, this, that, and the other, I was like, what do you want? What do you want from me? Because, again, what do you want? Because obviously you're seeing something that's not true. You're telling me how attractive I am. You're telling me something that's not true because I still am stuck in the place of ugly. Josh ain't easy on the eyes. So going back to why I stated what I said, is that affirming? Sometimes, especially, I think, in any culture or community, but specifically to the black culture, is we latch on to what we are not, and then we carry ourselves in a manner that validates that. So then when you want to come and tell me something great about myself, you're great. Oh, my God, you're so talented, you're gifted. And it's like, well, how do I believe that? When my family member or my friends were always telling me that I wasn't good enough, that I should just give up my dreams, or that I was too small for that? So you learn how to play small based on what was poured into you, opposed to being able to take that power back and then being able to say, like, for myself, it took me to actually look at all of my pictures growing up, and I'm like, josh, you've never been ugly. Like, what is the problem? But I couldn't get past that. But it was also linked to abandonment and rejection, being teased, being bullied. So why would I believe that to be true? So this is why I go back to saying in our culture, I believe it's not always the whole point into you, these positive affirmations, these things to uplift you and edify you sometimes, is to tear you down or bring some level of destruction to yourself, probably because those people, and I see it in our culture, and I'm speaking specifically to the black culture, it's easier for us to tear each other down when we see one rising up or when we see somebody doing something we know that we should be doing, or when we become intimidated by our own. So it's like, let me tear you down, probably because, not because I don't see the greatness in you, but I'm projecting my own insecurities onto you. [00:17:46] Speaker A: Well, that's the end of the podcast. You all have a great day. Listen, first of all, you have no business coming up my row, okay? You stay down your pew. Don't come up my row. No. It's interesting that when we think about it, and now even thinking again, like talking about this subject, is not taboo, but it's one of those things that we really just don't actually stop and think about. Exactly. Affirmation and affirming each other. And it's so difficult, like you said, to affirm the great things about yourself when you've been told all manner of ugly, of something that you have taken on. Like for me, for myself, it is so hard for me, I cannot receive a compliment. I don't like receiving compliments. It is so difficult to receive a compliment. My fuel is when someone tells me that I can't do it. My fuel is when someone says, well, I don't think you're going to make it, or you're not going to do this, or you're not going to do that. And then I go into the mode of I need to prove you wrong. And I think I just got over that probably a couple of years ago, over that syndrome of having to prove people wrong. Because then I'm deterring myself from my destiny and my purpose, because I'm so wrapped up on making sure that I make someone a fool out of themselves, make sure that I go against what you said, because I know what you said is wrong. You know what I mean? And so even with you saying that, just kind of just brought back to me outside of the black culture. I'm in this world now where I'm learning that I don't need Caucasians in the business of acting and what I do, I don't need Caucasians to validate me. And there was a time that I was looking for some type of validation, but the truth of the matter is, I was never actually looking for it from people outside of my culture. I was looking for validation within my culture. I was looking for the foundation and the family members. And, yes, I have family members that are very supportive. My mother is very supportive, have aunts to show up to every show and all those different things. But when you have a community of people, like you said, that are so worried about tearing other people down that you can't even validate each other and pour into each other, that's why my friend circle is so small, because you got to have people that are able to pour back into you. So do you think that because of our history as black people in America that it has been so difficult for us to speak life into our own selves? [00:20:56] Speaker C: I do, and it's amazing that this is black history month, but I do believe that since we have, when we look back in those times of slavery and being separated because of the color of our. If you're light skinned, that means you're better. You master let you come in the house, but if you're dark, if you're dark, you're deemed ugly immediately. I think that's continued. That has perpetuated for years and years. I've seen it so many times where if you're more fair skinned, you get treated. You're less of a threat. If you're dark skinned, it's like, immediately you're seen as some monster to people. And, I mean, for me, I remember this is something I've never even said, but I remember sometimes people will refer to me as being, you're light skinned. You're light skinned. You're light skinned. You're light skinned. And I remember sometimes when I was younger or younger, probably, like, early 20s, when you could get the filter on your face, like, stuff like that. If it looked too dark, I found myself lightning my picture. And, I mean, sometimes it will look ridiculous because I'm like, josh, take it. Scale it back a little bit. But it would be maybe I had been in the sun in the summertime or whatever, so I'm a little darker, so I would want to light my skin. And I've never said that until this moment and never really realized it. But I think in that moment that said to me, like, you won't be too dark. Because I did also notice when I would be among any other ethnicity, any other race, I noticed how I would be treated among people because of how I carried myself and of course, if I spoke so well and things of that nature, and I'm sure you notice where as much as the people you have worked with in your field, maybe your fields with theater and singing and just all of that stuff where it's like, why do I have to code switch? Why do I have to make sure that I speak a certain way and I carry myself a certain way so that I'm accepted? Because I noticed that if I speak this way. Hello, my name is Joshua Lennox. Oh, it is amazing. I'm so glad to see you. And I'm so glad to meet your acquaintance. I look forward to doing this with you again. I noticed that I was accepted, but I couldn't say, oh, yeah. What are you talking about? For real? I think the same thing. For real, though. That's not acceptable. That's not acceptable. So I also noticed when I think the greatest prejudice I've actually experienced has not been with any other race but my own. I grew up dressing in khaki pants and polo shirts and what's the alligator? You remember that? What's the alligator shirts? I can't think. [00:23:48] Speaker A: La Coste. [00:23:49] Speaker C: There we go. I had the nice shoes. I had whatever. So why are you trying to be white? Yeah, you trying to be a white boy. You think you better than us, and it's like, what do we get that from? That if I dress a certain way, if I speak a certain way, me speaking proper English is not me speaking that I'm being white or trying to be something I'm not. It's just me speaking proper English. [00:24:17] Speaker A: Right? [00:24:17] Speaker C: And maybe also this is what's required because of a certain space I'm in. If I'm in school, I can't talk slang to my teacher because they're not going to have it. Especially when you and I were coming up, you can't do that. Maybe when I get home with my family or be among my friends, that's when slang comes in. That's when I could just kind of let that go because it's a different level of performance required for you depending upon the space you're in. But I think that that was something I used to try to try to prove my hood. Not hood, Craig, because I did, but that I'm black enough sometimes. And needing to make sure don't get to whatever because they don't think you're trying to sell out or they don't think that you're trying to. It's almost like, when can you really just be who you are without having to look over your shoulder and your fellow black brother or black sister is not looking at you with a side eye because they think that you're trying to act to whatever. And I think that deals with, again, if we want to go back to this affirmation thing, I'm not black enough. [00:25:30] Speaker A: Well, I've always felt that way. I've always felt that way because I used to say I'm cultured. When people say, oh, you try and act like a little white boy, or you think you're white. No, I'm actually cultured. And I would tell them, go get you some. Because it's important to be cultured. It's important to know. But it's like this whole rabbit hole of our race and our culture. We don't accept each other for who we are. The problem is, do we want to call it a problem? But I think that the issue is that with how we were all raised. We were raised, how our grandparents were raised, our great aunts, and all of them coming out of slavery, each family focused on different things. You got to walk this way. You got to talk this way. I want this for you. I want better for you. Then you had other people that were saying, listen, you just got to learn how to survive. You just got to learn how to get through. You know what I mean? So it's one of those things that now that has been ingrained in so many different ways of life and how we move and how we move socially. And for me, like, my parents, they taught me how to be a go getter. I seen them do it, and then that pushed me to do it even more. It pushed me to push the envelope and reach for my dreams, because I know that they are obtainable. But you have parents that don't do that. You have family members that don't push their other family members, and then you have siblings sometimes or cousins that don't have that drive. Some of us have that drive because we know what is obtainable. But then there's people that don't have the drive. And I think that that's where that comes in. And like you said, it goes all the way back to the first thing that you said. When you see someone climbing the ladder, you see something that someone is doing for themselves. Then we start to tear them down, because we want that for ourselves. But we were not given the tools to properly obtain it. And you can't take somebody to a place that you've never been. So now we're dealing with our parents, we're dealing with our aunties, our uncles, all of these different people that did not have the chance. They were not given the chance. They were not given the tools. So they don't know how to support. I remember even my father, there were times where my father apologized to me because he was like, I wasn't in your life. And I made promises to you, and I did do this and I didn't do that. And I simply said to him, I said, I love you. And I said, and I forgive you. But as an adult, I said, I realized you could not give me something that you did not have. And not that that is an excuse, come on now. For the fact of where we are. But I think that it's really important to have that piece of information, because now when we realize, I realize that you could not give me that, that debunks my hate, that debunks how I'm feeling about certain things and kind of get me on the jump start to healing, you know what I mean? But then that also lets me know now I can tear down all those different things that were said about me that are not true and start to build myself up from the bottom up. You know what I mean? [00:29:10] Speaker C: Yes. And jump in. Just. I almost felt like we were doing double Dutch. I was going to say, well, I'm going to jump in on that, pet. Something you said, too. I think that's linked. I always say is linked to that is people attack what they. Oh, come on. [00:29:24] Speaker A: Get your help. I feel my help. Give me. [00:29:29] Speaker C: Let's get sister Elsie over there to him. [00:29:31] Speaker A: Okay. Loretta. [00:29:35] Speaker C: She has to hold a finger up. But yes, people attack what they lack. If I don't have certain things, and I see it in you, I'm coming after you. I think that. Okay, I'm going. Here, you ready? Hold on. [00:29:48] Speaker A: Let's go ahead. [00:29:50] Speaker C: A person who dealt with so much bullying and teasing, I never understood. I was like, I love everybody. My mama raised me to just get along. I was growing up in the church. I just loved everybody. And I would see people for who they were. I saw the people who looked like they meant bad news, but I would speak to them. I would just treat everybody the same. And I mean, the names, the picking, the pushing, the trying to fight me, it was exhausting. And I think I didn't realize until I became a counselor that was trauma. It was trauma that I was dealing with to where it didn't affect me as far as my schoolwork or anything like that. But it was like I was always anticipating when I got into certain classrooms or when I got into certain during lunchtime or whatever. I just never knew what was going to happen. And the older, now that I've gotten older and I look and see who some of those people were or when I got a chance to get to know them when we got older, I'm like, goodness gracious. Maybe it was because I had so much joy all the time. Maybe it was because I was smiling, I was laughing all the time. Maybe it was because I was so nice and stuff, and it probably was doing something to them because they were being robbed of that, probably at home. Probably the same thing that they were doing to me was being done to them. They probably lacked a great level of self esteem, confidence, and they just had no idea. I didn't have a lot of esteem sometimes, or confidence. I know how to play it like I did, but I believe I was being attacked sometime because there was some level of what they saw in me that they desired when it came to. I remember people used to always tell me, you so loud, be quiet, shut up. Why are you always so happy? Ain't nobody always that happy. And I'd be like, what have I done to you? But sometimes, again, I'm attacking you because I'm lacking that joy, I'm lacking that peace, even for it's crazy. It makes me want to go find the younger me and just punch me in the ankle, like one time because I would be bullied by people and come back the next day and still be nice to them. And it's like they were looking at me like, dude, are you crazy? I'm not letting up on you. I'm going to continue to do this. And why are you talking to me? Why are you passing me paper? Why are you asking me if I need stuff? And sometimes it was because I was a little nervous because some of them looked like they was probably, I probably was in probably elementary school, and they looked like they should have been in high school. But anyway, people will attack what they lack. If you have a great gift, if you have a great talent, if you have a great ability or skill set, people may come at you and do whatever they can to get you to dim that light and get you to be smaller and get smaller and smaller, and you find yourself if you're not in a place of really knowing truly who you are or your worth or your value, you end up portraying something that's beneath who you really are to make other people around you comfortable. So I believe that goes with anything. The way you live your life, somebody might be jealous or envious of that, so they may try to come and attack you. I mean, come on. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. It's because he knows that you have something in you that he could never possess. You have someone who's caring and covering you and who's sustaining your life that he could never, ever come close to because he wanted so much glory. But see, again, I think, again, he wanted to have what God had. He wanted to share glory, and he couldn't do this. So it's like, well, okay, well, got to drop you enough out of here, because. [00:33:31] Speaker A: That's right. [00:33:32] Speaker C: You're trying to come at me as if we're adversaries. And it's not that I'm your God. I love you. What was his name? He was Lucifer. [00:33:42] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:33:44] Speaker C: Skilled musician. [00:33:45] Speaker A: Very skilled. [00:33:46] Speaker C: They said when he walked, you heard music. So it's like you already have your thing, but it's not big enough. It's not enough for you. So now you're taking God's character and you're trying to say, hey, hold on. You ain't the only one who should be worshiped. I should get worship? But what else does that sound like in your life? That if you're in your office and you work so hard and you do so well at what you do, and somebody over here is like, why they keep getting all the praise? Why they keep getting whatever? And it's like, well, what can I do to bring that person down and let them know that I don't like them or that I can't stand them? And it's like, well, you're just projecting your things onto me and it has nothing to do with me. [00:34:27] Speaker A: Right. [00:34:27] Speaker C: People attack what they lack. And again, that will. Then all this is going to tie back to affirmation. Because if you attack what I lack, if you're attacking me because of what you lack, I might begin to take on what you feel about yourself. And then, therefore, that's what I say about me. Yeah. [00:34:49] Speaker A: My God, today. That's a word. People attack what they lack. [00:34:55] Speaker C: They do. [00:34:57] Speaker A: I got to take a pause because. No, I mean that. Listen, this is good to me. No, this is good. This is really good. It's also interesting. We talked about how black people. How we have to do code switching and different things. And it's just interesting that we naturally, as a people, we affirm each other. And what I mean by that is when we see someone with some banging shoes, we say, come on shoes or come on hat. Yes. All of the colloquialisms that we have in our own culture. And so the crazy thing is that we as a people, throughout all of the mess that our ancestors, that our people have dealt with in this country, coming to this country, that transit everything, that we still are a supportive group of people when we want to be. And I think that subconsciously that we are supportive because if we see something that we like, where it's automatically come on here. Oh, you got a haircut. You think you're doing something because you got a fresh cut, right? Where you going? Where are you going? Dress like that. I like them shoes. Come here. Yeah, those are all compliments. But with knowing that we do that subconsciously, I want to challenge our people and even challenge myself to move in a place of intentionally affirming each other, if you know what I mean. We do it subconsciously and great. And it's a part of our culture. It's how we laugh, it's how we groove. It's how we move. But what are your thoughts? And I'm also talking to an expert here, how can we, the author, how can we help me move forward and intentionally affirm each other outside of what we do subconsciously? [00:37:11] Speaker C: Yes. I'm glad you said it just the way you did because it took me back to being a child immediately of hearing, growing up. Thank you. Ain't got nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all listen. And it was so basic. But I think we can get away from it because we find. I've noticed sometimes I cringe when I'm around people sometimes. Or when I've been in certain spaces where people will look to criticize before they look to validate or affirm. It's like we're looking at why she got that on. Who? Her mama? Why he looked like that. Why can't he pull them pants up? Whatever it is you look for, what's going quote unquote wrong or what's improper about the person. And I think if we start to look, it's always something good to say about somebody. I don't care whatever your background is or whatever that person's context is, there's always something nice to say about somebody. And I mean, I laugh, but I think about people say, if you even see. I remember growing up in church. And they say, you see, don't you call nobody baby ugly. You better find something that's a nice ball in that baby's head. Yes, it is. Look at that outfit. Look at them shoes. [00:38:26] Speaker A: She got some nice shoes, right? [00:38:30] Speaker C: To find something nice. Because what I'll say, too, is oftentimes when we hear people who are critiquing and criticizing other people, it's because those are things that they are afraid to be seen about themselves. So it's easy for me to look and look at somebody's clothing or look at somebody's car. We can go to any length of being able to cut somebody down. And it's like, there's something nice you could say about that person. And I think if you look in the mirror sometimes, that person may not have a lot of nice things to say about themselves. So it's easy for them to do the same thing when it comes to other people. So I think intentionality has to first start with, I mean, I was going to say Minister Michael Jackson. He said, I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. And no message has been any clearer. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. So literally, you can't see the good in other people until you really start to recognize the good in you. If you want to continue to see this nitpicking. And I always have this thing about where I feel like a prayer of mine is as crazy as the world looks, as divided as the world looks. I'm always praying for unity. And I'm like, God, I don't know why I keep praying for this, but I desire. It's always been a part of who I was. I used to bring people together. I was that person who somebody get to fight in school. And I'm going to both of them like, okay, so are you all going to talk it out? Let's talk it out. Come on. Mediator, right? Trying to be the bridge. But I think if we could learn to really, I think it starts also with unconditionally loving ourselves. If you love yourself with conditions, it's almost like you're putting or accepting yourself without conditions. You're almost doing if and then statements. If I am blank, then I am good enough. So you're putting these conditions on yourself. You're going to then put conditions on other people. So it's like looking in the mirror. If you see somebody who is, if you feel like you're behind or that you're not doing enough or that you're not good enough. Well, then guess what? As soon as I hear about somebody's story or their life or whatever, I'm going to tell them that, you know, you behind schedule, you should have been ahead, done this and done that or whatever. Now you're not good enough to do something like that. I'm easily able to identify that in everybody else, but I won't take the time to look in the mirror and say, let's take a look at your flaws. Let's take a look at your insecurities before you go out here pointing out other people's stuff. So when you can capitalize on looking in the mirror and saying, you know what? I love you. We're not where we want to be yet, but I love you, no matter what state we're in. [00:41:25] Speaker B: That's right. [00:41:26] Speaker C: How about affirming myself by saying, I love you unconditionally? And I know that there's still changes to be made. So when we are able to do that for ourselves, that's when we can look for something. We all have things that can be pointed out. Yeah, all the time. Look, things that are hidden and things that are unhidden. It's always something somebody can tear you down about or if they choose to. But what would it look like if you had a mindset to be able to look at? I don't care if it's the smallest thing. They have a beautiful smile. They might have the worst attitude you ever seen, but you'd be like, them teeth are real pretty. Teeth are real pretty. [00:42:06] Speaker A: And the sad part about it, it's hard. And I think that this is a culture thing for us. It is so hard to compliment someone or like someone when their attitude is just so nasty? Oh, I go lie. That's something that I struggle with every day because my thing is, and I. [00:42:28] Speaker C: Always say, touch, lord. [00:42:30] Speaker A: Touch me, Lord. Because I'm a work in progress. I love myself, but I'm a work in progress. I promise I am. It's just one of those things where I'm like, you can't have a nasty attitude and then don't do your work correctly. If your work is incorrect and your attitude, you need to pick one, because you just can't be. Come on, now, pick a struggle. But I will say that it is very hard to affirm people and sometimes to have people's backs when they're so nasty. And it's like, God, man, somebody. How can I penetrate that exterior to get them to a place where they can be much kinder. But then I also realized, and this is a topic that I have not even talked about, but you went up the row. So now I'm going to have to have a separate episode for this. But I realized that the reason why people are like that is because of trauma and it's because of what they have been through. It's what they have experienced that they have not dealt with yet, which is why they can be so cold hearted and so hard on the exterior. You know what I mean? But don't worry. We're going to get to that episode. That's when I got to pray for, because trauma is real and it is something that we just have to talk about when you think, now I want to shift a little bit and talk about strategic affirmations for us, for us as a people and understanding that for ourselves, loving ourselves unconditionally and not putting limitations on our love for ourselves. I think that's number one because that's going to help you with everything else. But as we are learning how to affirm ourself, because I think that's what we need to learn how to do, firstly, is to affirm ourselves. I just had to say that, see, don't start with me, but to affirm ourselves. And this could be something that you probably do on the daily. But what are some affirmations that come to mind or that's even in. That's a part of Josh Ology that you do or things that you think or believe that could help the masses of people, if you know what I mean. [00:45:23] Speaker C: Yes, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. Glory hallelujah. Anyway, I'm not doing this with you, but what I will say. Let me answer. What I will say is that I know for me, I'll give a little backdrop on this. When I first started to look at affirmations, it was when I became a counselor, okay? Because I was having a lot of clients who were coming to me who were dealing with very low self esteem, low self confidence, definitely having those negative core beliefs of I'm not good enough, I'm responsible for how other people see me, I'm unlovable. I mean, the list can go on. And I would start to kind of put those things into practice for myself of trying to make a list. And it started with just five things I remember. I can't remember specifically what they were. I think one of them was like, I am successful. I am lovable. I am some three mo. It was three mo. I can't think of three more of them. But what I like to say about affirmations, first of all, is that it doesn't have to be things you believe yet, but who I'm. [00:46:43] Speaker A: Come on. [00:46:44] Speaker C: Word. [00:46:44] Speaker A: That's a word. That's a word. Say it one more time for the people in the back of the car. [00:46:51] Speaker C: It doesn't, it doesn't have to be what you believe yet, but it can be what I'm trying to ascribe to, what I'm trying to grow to, what I'm trying to raise myself to. I would read them sometimes, and again, like the ones I was just mentioning, and I didn't believe it. I was like, but this is crazy. I keep saying I'm lovable, I'm successful, I am good enough, I am amazing, I'm excellent at what I do, I'm compassionate, I'm deserving of love, unconditional love. I'm deserving of consistency from people, I'm deserving of great relationships in my life, healthy relationships. All of these things I'm thinking, like, why was so hard is because I'd never seen it consistently. So for me to have to say it out loud was almost like a check. A checkup. And I'm like, so first of all, this is something I want, but this is something. It hurts because now it's making me wonder, why has this been an issue for me also, again, going back to speak those things that are not as though they were, it's like I've got to speak it first before I really believe it. And maybe that's going to take time when it's hard times to affirm oneself, too. It's like, well, if I can talk down about myself, surely I can flip that and talk well of my. Speak well of myself. People like, it's hard for me to affirm myself. I can't talk well of myself and I don't believe all of this. But you believe all the negative stuff that you speak about yourself. So why is it so hard for you to try to flip that coin and speak? Because you didn't always think the negative things immediately. It grew, it was planted in you, so it grew over time. So just as much as it is to affirm oneself, it might take some time and you've got to be consistent with it. I started with five, then I ended up probably about a year later with 30. But it was curtailed to things that I needed to see in my life. And I think the thing was to say I am this versus I want to be or I hope to be or I'm supposed to be. I had to say I am this, and that was hard because it's like, how do I say that I am this and I haven't attained it yet? How do I say I am something which means present? I haven't seen it yet, but I've got to keep speaking it. I've got to keep speaking it over and over and again. Affirmations need to be curtailed to what you need to see come into your life, right? Not what you see for other people. And again, not thinking about somebody may say, I am a millionaire. It's like, okay, well, if I keep saying I'm a millionaire, I mean, anybody, I'm sure pleading people would like to be a millionaire, praise God. But if you were saying, I'm a millionaire, if I keep saying that, over time, I'm probably going to put some things into action to get me there. If I'm saying that I'm lovable, well, then I'm probably going to start recognizing that I need boundaries in my life and to keep out people who are toxic, who bring toxicity in my life. So I won't let certain people penetrate my heart, or I won't let certain people have access to me because I believe I am lovable. I'm no longer this unlovable person you feel like you about to boil over. You got a word? Come on. [00:50:20] Speaker A: Listen. You don't got the people together twice. Okay? That's all I had to say. [00:50:26] Speaker C: I thought you was bubling. I didn't know. [00:50:28] Speaker A: Let me tell you something. Not you. Let the people have it. Listen. Flow. Flow, please. [00:50:39] Speaker C: Flow. Just out in the highways and the byways, doing what I can. In all seriousness, I think this is why you have to look at your life again. This is affirmation about your life sometime is maybe that there is wisdom in my life or there is purpose in my pain. There is whatever it is. Because when you go through certain things, this is how we get wisdom and then pour out onto other people. You go through some tough, difficult, challenging times in your life that you probably never even thought that you would get through. So then, if I got through some things, is that not a way for me to say I am a conqueror or I am more than a conqueror. I am a fighter. I have courage. Yeah, maybe it ain't even I have courage. Maybe I am courage. Whatever it is. Things that are going to. You realize you go through things not for just a coincidence or for no reason. I can't speak about something that I don't know, unless it's more received, if I'm able to talk about where it has been placed in my life or how it's been breathed through my life, I can't tell you if I'm telling you about affirmations, I can tell you about how I did not affirm myself or how I affirmed myself negatively, or how I saw myself so down and low and dark and again, ugly. So I can tell you what it's like to go from there to being able to say, I am worthy, I am valuable, I am enough, I am strong, I am a fighter. I am necessary. [00:52:11] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:52:12] Speaker C: Especially if you're a person who's had to go through things and you felt like you were literally unimportant, you were overlooked. I'm unwanted, whatever that is. It's like, well, check this out. Even if I feel unwanted and overlooked because of the things that I've gone through in my life, am I able to make a rational statement? Because, see, sometimes when we say things, I'm not enough, I'm not good enough. Might not actually be rational, but it could be your reality. It's somebody's reality, but it's not rational. Because I bet you if you feel like you're not enough, you're unlovable, or whatever you feel is negative about yourself, there is a way to prove you wrong. Because there's probably evidence to say that's probably not true, but it has been my reality. How do you tell somebody who's been abandoned, abused, neglected, how do you tell them that they're wanted when all they've had is resistance and pushback and push away or been overlooked? How do you tell that person that they're important, they're needed, and it's like, well, but my life is totally different. Maybe it's a part of that that might actually be true, that you're actually wanting to need it because you're still alive. Yeah, that's a deep thing to me because we see a lot of people walking around because of what they've ascribed to and what's taken root in them and what's grown. And it's almost like they're living so beneath who they are, but they don't know any different. It's like you shake somebody and tell them. I remember people always tell me, like, you are so talented to you. And I'm like, oh, you just saying that to be nice. Thank you. But see, then I thought about what if I said that to somebody and how if they received it the same way, that would make me feel some type of way. I'm like, wow, I just gave you a compliment, and you just basically stumped all over it. That made me feel kind of disrespected. I should have just kept my mouth closed. But then getting to know people and getting to know their stories, which I do all the time as a therapist and a coach, you have no idea how somebody has been made to feel and how they believed it and they stuck with it, and that's all that they know. And anything else outside of that, it's like, okay, so you're trying to be nice to me. So what do you want? Are you trying to take advantage of me? Do you need something? Because obviously you're seeing something that's not there because I don't see it. So back to the whole thing about affirmations. Back to the things about affirmations. How do we get to a place to where we can believe that there is something possible on the other side of the hurt, the pain, and also looking through a broken mirror all the time, seeing yourself in pieces, and it's like, well, what pieces are really true? What pieces are really false? What false narrative has been put on me? What have I always been told? That's like somebody saying, you ain't never. I remember in the movie five heartbeats where Eddie Kane came back. [00:55:38] Speaker A: Raindrops with. [00:55:49] Speaker C: Yes, sir. Thank you, Eddie Kane, when he came back from the talent show that they won for the first time, and his father told him, you ain't basically nothing, because I ain't nothing. And it's like, how do you tell your son he's nothing? Because you're nothing. And then after he leaves, the mother says, why you do that? Why you talk to the boy like that? And he said, you talk like you don't even love the boy. And he said, I love the boy. I just want him to be a better man than me. But do you see how he's wanting his? He feels like if I talk to you, talk down to you, that's going to go back to what you said earlier. You're going to do something to prove me wrong. And we saw how Eddie's life turned out. It didn't always go the way you think you're doing something. Sometimes we think negative and negative. It counsels out and becomes a positive. Not all the time. Not all the time. What if he would have just told his son, congratulations on what you did, man. Just want you to be better than me. Do better than me. Rise up. What could that have done? Maybe he wouldn't have turned the drugs because he may have become somebody he didn't really want to be because he heard their voice in the back of his head that kept saying he wasn't nothing. It is power. Back to you said power of life and death is in the tongue. People out here murdering people with their words and you start with your kids, you tell somebody something, I'm called ugly. I believed it and that just shut me down. I just felt like, okay, I guess I'll be single for the rest of my life. Little ugly self. I believed it. I believed it. So we're out here murdering people with our tongues and then also that then causes that person to do self harm to themselves in a way because of the words they speak over themselves. [00:57:54] Speaker A: We got to do better. We got to do better. [00:57:57] Speaker C: Got work to do still. And it starts with us first. The individual starts with you first. Whatever you need to see, whatever you're trying to see, why don't you be that first? And then you start to do a little bit by little bit. You don't get a plant and water it every hour because they think you're going to kill that plant. Even though the watering it is something that's healthy, it's something good for it, but you're oversaturating it so it doesn't get a chance to grow. Now you sucking a life out of it. So we can't go around jumping down people's throats and trying to let's do better and affirm. Let's do one seed at a time, but let that seed start with you doing that for you first and then going around planning in other people. But try not to overdo it because sometimes people, they want to take a person's life. They rather focus on your issues and what you need to work on and don't want to sit with their own things or do the work themselves. [00:59:00] Speaker B: Family, how are you using your words? Do they tear down or do they uplift? I affirmations is a powerful tool to validate and uplift. So consider life, not death. You might join in grieving, but you're going to come out healed. I love you and thank you.